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Soggy Loaf of Bread Announced as 2017 Commencement Speaker

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Bitter Senior

NEW BRUNSWICK—Just last week Rutgers announced the commencement speaker for the class of 2017. Expectations were high especially after 2016’s event in which President Obama took the stage to celebrate the schools 250th anniversary. Living up to true Rutgers fashion, the school announced their next commencement speaker to be a soggy piece of bread.

“This decision comes after much debate between the student body and the Board of Governors,” says President Barchi. “But after weeks of arguing we agreed that the best way to sum up and, unfortunately for those graduating, to say farewell to Rutgers is to have a soggy loaf of bread be our speaker.”

loaf
MR. SOGGY LOAF Soggy Loaf tweeted this image after the annoucement of his speech

According to other news outlets, an actor from the Sopranos was also in the running to be the speaker but lost when he was considered “too irrelevant” for most of the student body.

“We really wanted someone who everyone could relate to,” said student body President Karen Jackson. “While we may be missing some kids who are gluten-free we are really hitting the nail on the head with everyone else!”

Sources close to the board say that the soggy loaf of bread currently resides in Brower dining hall, making it a true insider into how the Rutgers world works. The moist loaf can often be seen keeping a watchful eye on all who pass the sandwich station in the back corner of Brower.

“I’m just so shocked,” said the bread in an exclusive interview. “I’ve been around here for a long time and I’ve seen everything from Rutgers-Fest to the DDoS blackout, but I never thought I would be chosen to officiate the ceremony that gives these kids away to the real world.”

Since the announcement, Rutgers students have had mixed reactions. While some more competent students who had already completely given up on Rutgers, simply blamed the classic RU screw, others were more reluctant to do so. Talks of protests are currently circulating around campus. Whether or not the protests will be as large as the ones produced when Condoleezza Rice was announced is unclear.

Soggy Loaf will reportedly make focus its speech heavily on the demise of America as it is consumed by the ever-persistent greed that capitalism fosters, a topic that will truly touch the hearts of all who hear it and inspire every graduating student to succeed beyond Rutgers.

Pansexuals Up In Arms Over Incompetent Labels.

BY Who the Fuck Cares, this is an A7 Original

breadAmongst the increasingly granular sexual continuum, outcry has emerged from the self proclaimed “pan-sexuals,” who, unlike “traditional” pansexuals, are in fact people who are sexually attracted to wheat and wheat byproducts, such as breads, pastas, and those stupid little pretzels they serve at shitty parties. They claim that the term pansexual is not defining the in a desirable way and that “omnisexuals” have no claim on the term. In the wake of these claims many other new groups have emerged also laying claim to previously defined sexual orientations and have created public support for their redefinitions. Some of these redefinitions include homosexuals, who are attracted to individuals with homologous genes and/or are homogenous mixtures, polysexuals, who are sexually attracted to parrots and cockatoos, but not necessarily macaws, and trigendered individuals, who feel that they must identify themselves as sexual triangles, though there is still dispute on if they are isoceles or equilateral. A third faction is even emerging of exclusively right angled trisexuals.

As the movement gained traction, tension has increased between the tradition and emergent users of these once stable definitions of sexuality, and as more and more disputes emerge, the situation becomes increasingly unstable. The only thing that can bring this strife to an end is the fact that Frank Underwood has wicked sick gay sex with the Russian President in season three while Claire listens from another room.