Tag Archives: black

White People Everywhere Frantically Get Rid of Their Tiki Torches

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

CHARLOTTESVILLE—The summer in Charlottesville quickly turned tense as Nazi’s, the KKK, and white nationalists stormed the town in demonstration against the removal of a confederate statue of Robert E. Lee. The skin cancer-prone group of people took to the streets with lit up Tiki torches to resemble old school angry mobs. “Tiki Brand is not associated in any way with the events that took place in Charlottesville and are deeply saddened and disappointed,” the company said in a statement. “We do not support their message or the use of our products in this way.”

It is because of all this negative attention that white people everywhere feel to cleanse their backyards of their Tiki torches as to not give other people the wrong idea. We asked Billy Bob, a local as to why he was getting rid of his torches.

“I don’t wanna be lumped in with all them racists and KKK and them white national-whatchamacallits. If people see me with Tiki torches, the blacks would get the wrong idea of me.”

Billy was very confident in his decision and we watched him throw away all 10 of his torches as he proudly hung the confederate flag in his backyard.

On the other side of the spectrum there are people who seem to not be giving into the hysteria. They believe that Tiki torches are very versatile pieces of equipment and are hesitant to get rid of them no matter what kind of negative image it might give them. We asked Sara Coleman why she is holding onto her Tiki torch even after the recent events that have unfolded.

“My Tiki torch is special to me. It represents who I am as an american you know? If I want to carry around an outdated object that can be easily misconstrued as a symbol of hate it’s my god given right.”

It’s very apparent that there are people on both sides of this issue that feel very strongly about their side.

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

Racial Bias Penetrates Pornos

BY Richard Longshadow
Abuse Editor

TAMPA, FL— With the Oscar’s this weekend, one notices racial bias permeates more aspects of entertainment than popular movies, as pornography has been having a problem with the frightening might of Big Black Dick.

Born Richard LaCoque, Dick has fought adversity throughout his life based on his skin color. “I was always perceived as some sort of threat to all the white girls’ brothers and fathers, as if I was some sort of violent criminal! I’m not, and it’s shameful that I’m still treated differently than the other performers.

“Porn starlets are paid more for working with black men. That’s wrong because it reflects the perception of some sort of risk inherent in getting fucked by me. This practice wouldn’t be tolerated in any other job. Your boss chooses your coworkers.”

pornAletta Ocean, 40DD-27-42, has starred in numerous black double-teams and gangbangs. “I don’t mind the extra money. When it helps keep my lips and titties full, I don’t think they should mind either. I’ve worked with B. B. Dick before and he’s a gentle lover. The only time I really needed that extra pay was when I agreed to get brutalized by Bigger Blacker Dick and Biggest Blackest Dick. That paid for me to reconstruct my ears, nose, throat, snatch, and ass. Those guys really commit to a role!”

On the other end of the spectrum, pay inequality has marginalized the Southeast Asian actors. “I have to pay production companies to hire me,” claimed Sum Wang. “It’s only temporary until they realize that the largest populations in the world want to see a relatable-sized penis.”