Tag Archives: baseball

Watching Paint Dry About to Give Baseball a Run for its Money

By Lou Skunt
Porn Director

America’s pastime? More like it’s America’s paint time! As the 2018 MLB season comes to an opening, ratings this year are expected to be
absolutely abysmal and their lowest ever in the history of the game since TV was in- vented. Americans, finally realizing just how boring baseball is, have finally decided to revoke the games apple pie comparison status and watch something more exciting.

The new sport, that’s creeping up and threatening baseball’s classic status is none other than the classic watching paint dry. Usually used as a comparison example of a boring and mundane activity, watching paint dry in recent years has become quite the extreme sport.

The game consists of a person painting something, anything from a professional painter doing his job to a Trump supporter painting
black face to make it show that Trump has black supporters, is fair game in the competition. Then the painter must sit and watch in silence as his work dries up. Despite the initial impressions, this
game is not for the weak and as a fan and spectator, can actually get quite exciting.

Many participants have done stuff like fall asleep for days and even shit their pants just from the intense maddening activity from staring at paint all day. In more extreme cases, many have also gone mentally insane from and had to be institutionalized in a paint factory. Fans don’t have it any easier. Die hard fans of watching paint dry have reported getting “second-hand effects. This is when the fan ends up with the same effects as the players after watching paint non-stop for hours on end.

New TV contracts for this game have already started and Sherwin-Williams stock is expected to peak once the new paint drying season takes full effect. The paint drying season will be directly competing with baseball season and is expected to bring in 10X more excited fans in every game than in baseball.

Move over baseball, there’s a new sport in town that’s actually exciting and won’t totally possibly kill you of boredom. Let’s be real here, no one really watches baseball for the excitement of the game, soccer is more exciting.

Man With Crippling Sunflower Seed Allergy Makes Baseball Team

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Underground Failure

FREEHOLD, NJ — Calling it a dream come true, 15-year-old Jessie Holdermann overcame his crippling sunflower seed allergy to make the Freehold Township Travel Summer League B Team.

Holdermann had not played team baseball since 2004, when his allergy was first discovered.

“We first realized he was allergic when he nearly passed out in left field,” said his mother, Annie. “We thought he fell down after chasing around a butterfly, but it turned out he was eating sunflower seeds while playing. Who knew you were allowed to eat a snack mid-game?”

sunflower
SAFE FOR NOW Jessie thinks he won’t break out in hives in about five minutes.

Since, Holdermann had only practiced with his father in backyards and batting cages, fearing any accidental contact with any combination of salted, unsalted or ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life,” a semi-intelligible Holdermann is assumed to have said in the dugout, as the dusting of sunflower seed shells coating the floor caused his cheeks and tongue to swell. “Making the Travel Summer League B Team is a big accomplishment. We get to showcase our skills in towns like Colts Neck and Wall, and I get to do it with a great group of guys around me, who still enjoy eating sunflower seeds all game.”

The season begins on June 15, but practices have already begun, giving the rest of the team a chance to get comfortable with Holdermann’s allergy.

“In no other sport are you eating something all game,” continued Holdermann. “I don’t really understand why we do it in baseball, but it’s part of the game. Baseball has a rich history, so who am I to interfere with it. If all it takes for me to play the game I love is to suffer in pain and struggle to breathe, than that’s fine with me.”

David Sunflower Seeds has yet to comment on the situation, but as of now the company is still supplying its product.

Cuban Santerians win inaugural inter-cult softball league title

Walter Kronkite Jr.
Part of the Family

WAUKEE, IA— As Juancho Gutierrez rounded the bases after socking a walk-off home run, team Santeria encircled home plate and prayed to the Yoruba dieties in thanks of winning the first inaugural inter-cult softball league title.

The Cuban Santerians, who appease the gods by allowing the bloods of sacrificed animals to flow onto the sacred stones of the santero, defeated the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo, an alt-terrorist doomsday group that wreaks havoc on the Japanese subway system, 7-6 on Sunday.

Cult leaders across the world called for a softball league after complaining they were being blackballed by religious, cult-lite softball leagues.

“It’s time cults had a league of their own,” said team manager and Santero priest Pedro ‘Jobu’ Cerrano through a translator. “To be champions in the first year is humbling, and it is sure to please the orishas we aim to satisfy with ritualistic offerings.”

The Cuban team mowed down the competition to make the final best-of-three series, as it only faced all-white, American cults.

“These white boys just focus on mass suicide, man,” said Gutierrez. “They gotta focus on the game. We had to fight off the Castro regime to make it here and stave off evil spirits to make it here. We’re focused.”

The Santerians won in two, but the last game was tight. After going back-and-forth, the Afro-Cuban lucumis dances finally paid off.

“Our prayers were answered,” said Cerrano. “We were finally able to hit curveballs. Gutierrez came out to some Sublime music, he was dialed in–you should have listened to that crowd. He got a hold of that curveball and destroyed it like our god of war and iron, Ogun.”

After a successful first season, the inter-cult league will be back next season. Scientologists, who were not invited to this year’s tournament, will vie for a spot again next year.

DADS ARE SUPER AMPED ABOUT BASEBALL SEASON

NEW YORK— Baseball has made its return, and dads everywhere are losing their damn minds.

Liquor stores across the country are experiencing light beer shortages across the country and Home Depot has tripled last year’s revenue off grill sales and outdoor projector set ups alone. Local supermarket clerk Barbara Reed, 32, said “The store has been full of middle aged men buying red meat, wings, and beer and arguing with each other over which pitcher is better. I’ve never seen so many in one place before.”

baseballdads
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL-GAME Almost a packed crowd at Citi field with almost three rows of people.

Stadiums have been packed with men who should be at work and boys who should be in school since opening day. Citi Field was entirely full, with over 41,000 people attending the game, with an estimated 21,000 of those participants missing lessons in school that are integral to their academic success. Local teen Brandon Grosmen said “My dad took me to the Yankees game which was cool, but I missed a review for a really big history test and picture day. I guess it was worth it to see the game.”

The Yankees went on to lose the game to the Houston Astros 8-1 in the game where Brett Gardner tore his ACL sliding into second base. He won’t return to play this season.

Highways entering major cities have been backed up for miles before games after stadiums established DUI checkpoints every quarter mile. An unnamed Citi Field “The stadium said they want the check points coming in to prevent drunk driving and disorderly fans, but they’re really just doing it so people have to pay for stadium beers. No one can watch baseball sober with their kids and the stadium know it.”

RU Pitchers and Catchers Report to Work-Study Spring Training

BY Brent Muskyburger
Advocacy Advocate

PISCATAWAY— The Rutgers baseball season is underway, and players are beginning their preparations.

February 19 marked the first day for pitchers and catchers to report to their spring semester work-study programs.

Since baseball players do not receive full scholarships, most participate in work-study programs to supplement their school payments and learn a job-skill for the future.

“I make money for this school by playing a sport I know I won’t have a future in,” said left-handed relief pitcher Mark Marcson, “so I turn to work-study for a boost. Now I sit in a computer lab all day and deal with idiot students. You know, life skills.”

Most players have difficulty handling the workload of playing a D-1 sport and working on campus.

“We go on these road trips, and it’s hard to find people to cover for me,” said starting pitcher Darren O’Toole, who works at the Livingston Writing Center. “They said if I call out again, I’ll be fired.”

Pitchers and catchers use this time to develop their chemistry. It is especially important for freshman, who need to prepare for their first year both on the field and at work.

“I came to this country to play baseball,” said Cuban defector and backup catcher Avisail Martinez via a translator. “I want to play as much as possible and be around my teammates, but I have to learn how to bus tables at the dining hall. Good thing cleaning is in my blood.”sports

There are some players, however, who cannot find work-study jobs. The university is limited in the amount they offer, meaning some players are left in the dark.

Most players who do not earn work-study jobs find alternative, less-savory ways of making money.

“I whore myself out,” said catcher Johnny Chair.

Head coach Joe Litterio acknowledges his players’ fiscal issues and busy schedules, but says their main responsibility is to the team and to the university.

“These players need to realize that life is tough. They’re here to play baseball, and work-study helps them do that,” said Litterio. “I’m here to push them toward success. Oh, and I whore out the players without jobs. It’s a perk of the job.”

The rest of the team reports to their spring semester work-study Monday, February 29.

The Scarlet Knights are already 0-3, having been swept by the Miami Hurricanes on the road. Three pitchers could not make the games because they conflicted with their work schedules.