Resident New Kid
NEW BRUNSWICK— C.J. Kumar was found emphatically dancing to K-POP music on the Tuesday morning before her Communication Theory exam outside of Alexander Library on College Avenue.
“I wasn’t even high or anything last night, but I almost sent this embarrassing text message to this guy in my media class,” he told us, “It was suppose to be to my best friend, it read, ‘I heard Idris Elba’s in New York right now. If he’s in New York I’m in New York’ with screenshot of train tickets I’d just bought. I really never thought I’d be so grateful for Rutgers spotty WiFi!”
C.J. claims she went back to studying for her midterm but wondered in the back if her mind as to why her friend never texted back. According to an anonymous source, she loudly proclaimed that she was on a social media cleanse for the rest of the night and fell asleep in the Graduate Reading Room approximately 15 minutes later. Much to the relief of our source, C.J. didn’t snore, albeit, she did sporadically blurt out strings of innocuous Korean phrases. Our source finds it important to assert that she knows this because her parents speak Korean and not because she is a fan of K-Pop.
The morning after these events took place is when C.J. ended her cleanse and proceeded to check for a response from her friends when she opened up her phone and saw the “message failed to send notification.’ on a message she tried sending to her classmate who she declined to identify. We later found out from word mouth on the LX bus that dancing routines had become a common coping mechanism for students specializing in Health and Wellness Communication.
And we would suppose that avoided embarrassment demands a certain degree of coping.
“I bet Idris is still in New York,” she said opening up her iMessage app, “I should text my friend asking if she still wants to go.” When we reminded her that she had an exam today she exclaimed what we presume to be a Korean expletive and took off running towards the general direction or the Voorhees Mall.
C. J. also added later in an email to The Medium, “Mom, if you’re reading this by high I meant I was on the top floor of Alex. It has 83 floors you know. I actually got lost last week on my way to my Planet Earth exam, which is why I might have failed. They said it was going to be an easy A!”
BY Don’t Put My Name on This
Before all this damn “political correctness” and “fucking Liberals,” a straight man could go to certain places on campus and get his nut busted no questions asked. When this school was a predominately white man school back in the day, it was the best way to keep cool and not too stressed. It was casual, you were at the urinal, some guy would come next to you, you nut in his fucking faggot face, and then you would go back to class. Now all these spots are all fucking boarded up or blocked off. So here is an Ode to the best places you used to be able to get your dick sucked on campus.
The scum of the earth would be on Livingston back in the day and any bathroom you would walk into you’d get your nut busted by a faggot.
12: New Gibbions:
They have that great Living Learning community for LGBTQIAs, but we just used to call it “Fag Town.” Just had to stand outside and you’d nut 10 minutes later.
11: Student Activities Center, 1st floor bathroom:
This was the place to get a more leisurely blow. if you had 30 min to kill you could go there and spend your time quite wisely.
10: Lucy Stone Hall:
All of the bathrooms. It is almost impossible to get into the building, let alone a bathroom, but once you did find it, damn, you were into some good ejaculation.
9: Right in front of William the Silent:
…He wont tell…
8: Scott Hall Lecture Hall Bathroom
This was the place when you wanted to be utterly disgusting. This was only for absolute pieces of scum. Shit stained toilets, piss all over the floor, the mouth of the faggots with herpes on their lips. It was real grunge.
7: Douglass Campus Center Bathroom next to the utility closet on the bottom floor.
Hard to find initially, but this nut busting spot is a real Easter egg. Stalls that go all the way to the floor in the stalls. Just enough space between the urinals and the sink for a faggot to look at your cock, or privacy if you want it. There was really good balance there way back when.
6: Ruth Adams Building:
This was the home of the notorious Brooklyn Ass Pounder. He sucked dick nightly in the second floor bathroom. He was a loyal man, and a great blow.
5: College Ave Student Center Basement bathroom:
Right behind the Red Lion was (and still is) the best designed bathroom to get yo dick sucked. So, you have two urinal bowls with no barriers so you can pee in the open, let some faggot see everything he has to work with. Then you had a huge glory hole right at the stall next to urinals. So you had options, it was really considerate.
4: Art History Building on Cook Bathroom:
Now this is where all the real faggots were. They were amazing. You walk downstairs into the bathroom and you see these urinals that were so close to each other. To get your dick sucked, all you had to do was splash the guy pissing next to you. Now the urinals are blocked by fucking barriers. No one can watch me pee anymore. 😡
3: Alexander Library floor 3B Bathroom.
This hole in the wall was a real hole in the wall. It was always a pretty occupied bathroom.
2: Loree Hall Bathroom:
This was a perfect one because the two stalls made it possible for you to be in one, while your dick was being sucked in the other. It could be a really busy day, lots of people in the lecture hall, and you’d be able to nut in privacy.
1: Records Hall: It used to be the shit. The barrier between the sinks and the urinal always made it hotter to not know who was coming into the bathroom, and the glory hole in that stall was always occupied.
Thursday: So you have a ten page paper due a week from now? Excellent! Now is the perfect time to get started so you can write it in easy, manageable chunks. Spend time browsing Reddit in Alexander Library as you bask in your confidence of getting at least part of it finished today.
Friday: So, you didn’t actually write so much as an introduction because you were too busy browsing fucking Reddit the whole time. That’s fine. That’s fine! You have the whole weekend ahead of you to do it. Now isn’t the time to worry about it- instead, pop by The Knight Club for a quick round of shots. Just don’t drink too much, because you definitely need to start on that paper tomorrow.
Saturday: Fuck. Aaahhhhhh fuck. Ok. Ok, no, you’re going back to bed. The fuck time is it? 3 PM? Fuck it. Shit. You’re going straight to the grease trucks and back, that’s it.
Sunday: Ok! You still have this entire day to write at least half of that paper! Why not use a change of scenery and fresh air at Voorhees Mall to inspire you? Here we go!
Monday: Alright, so a whole paragraph, huh? Geez. Well, today’s kind of wasted because you have two classes at the ARC, which basically sucks half the life out of you from all the collective Engineering Major anxiety permeating the air. You’ll just have to do it after 9.
Tuesday: What, like you’ve never been tired and went to bed early? Ok. Haha. You only have two days left, but you know what? It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine! Might as well do it all tomorrow all in one burst of energy. Take a break at the Livingston Spa.
Wednesday: It’s all a capitalist scam, I tell you! This whole institution! Making students slave away on impossible assignments, and for what? A useless degree only useful to work at Dunkin Donuts at the Douglass Student Center because old people ruined the economy? FUCK the system! You REFUSE to contribute to the bourgeois! Bernie ‘16! Bernie ‘16! Bernie ‘16!
Thursday: Contemplate your newfound realization of your own mortality after spending all night struggling to bullshit so many sentences together at CAPS, Rutgers’ free psychiatric services. How. How do people find the will to live. What is the point of any of this. I’m failing my classes.
Next Week: Ten Places That Accept Employment Applications from College Dropouts
BY Randy Butternubs
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— The Rock Café experienced major congestion yesterday as one asshole decided to take his sweet time selecting which orange juice he should buy with his egg sandwich. The decision between “some pulp” and “calcium plus” seemed to confuse this simple-minded prick, as he was unaware that a growing line had taken form behind him. Reports indicate that this “idiotic waste of space” allegedly stood in front of the refrigerator staring at the selection of beverages for a full minute before walking away and not selecting one at all.
However, more reports came in only seconds later, as this total cunt nugget turned abruptly and his high school frosh pack hit another student who just wanted to pick up a ready-made sandwich and not deal with this kid’s bullshit. “I mean, it didn’t hurt, but it was really fucking annoying,” said Mallory Schneider, a SAS junior who didn’t need this right now. “Seriously, what’s up with that fuckwad?”
In the latest update, this total sack of shit got his one egg sandwich and entered the line for the register, but he was listening to his music too loud and didn’t hear the cashier call for him three—THREE—motherfucking times. He then proceeded to count out his payment in pocket change and crumpled one-dollar bills enthusiastically as if the prospect of paying with exact change actually gives him some sort of visceral joy to this absolute loser.
While many victims are still recovering from the holdup caused by this dud of a human being, he was later reported at Alexander Library, where he apparently had to print out his entire textbook and jam the only working printer.
Joseph E, 22, recently died in a tragic crossfit accident. Joe will be survived by his life partner J.S. Hallman, his 83-year old best friend Vince and his massive collection of oversized Polo shirts. The former aide to Hilary Clinton was known for being socially oblivious but politically brilliant, suggesting to the candidate that social networking was no longer a viable aspect of campaign strategy. His friendship with Bill Clinton was particularly legendary. Paparazzi often caught the two of them enjoying back alley lizard fights.
He won’t be missed at The Medium since he was always too weird for us anyway.
Joe was known for his love of writing obnoxiously old-fashioned love letters and pooping in bathrooms in Alexander Library, using the novels to wipe.