Tag Archives: advice

A Cookie for the Kooky: Cookie Monster’s Self-Help Corner

By The Cookie Monster

 

How do I talk to the girl I like in class?

 

Have you tried giving her a cookie? That is how my parents met. Poppa Cookie Monster and Momma Cookie Monster were walking down a hallway carrying their own cookies. Both of them ran into each other and ALL their cookies flew into the air. They helped each other devour all the cookies, and then I was born nine months later. It is foolproof!!

 

How do I reveal the gender of my baby at the Gender Reveal Party?

 

Simple, you give everyone cookies covered in pink glaze for a girl or a cookie with blue glaze for a boy. If you do not believe in the gender binary, you can give everyone chocolate chip cookie. It is the best cookie, perfect for the birth of the best baby 🙂

 

How do I tell my parents I am gay?

 

I recently had to help a friend with this- his name rhymes with Dig Dird- and it went over swimmingly with his parents. You give one of you parents a fortune cookie and the other one a biscotti. You tell them to open the fortune cookie with the biscotti. When the fortune cookie is cracked open with the biscotti, the fortune reads, “I want to do what you just did with another man’s genitals in my butt.” My friends family found this very humorous and then we partake in eating the cookies. For extra effort, you can add, “I also want to be eaten like this cookie.” Funny stuff.

 

How do I count to four?

 

Do you have cookies that have numbers written on them? If you don’t, I can’t help much. Cookie Monster is very sorry. If you do have those kinds of cookies, you look at the fourth wall and count while eating all the cookies.

 

My Vagina smells weird, what do I do?

 

Does it smell like a cookie? A vagina smelling like a cookie is a beautiful thing, one should not be ashamed of it. If you find your lover to be a cookie enthusiast, like yours truly, you will find that there is a lot of fun to be had with a vagina smelling like a cookie. For further help, please look me up when you are in town, I can be found at 1 Sesame Street.

 

How do I curtail my cookie addiction?

 

CURTAIL!? COOKIE!? ADDICTION!? I am at a complete loss of words. How can one possibly have an addiction to cookie. Cookie’s are meant to be devoured. You see cookie, you eat cookie. That is how it works. Please, this section is for serious questions only. Now if you can excuse me, I must eat my cookies: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

ASK A LONELY TRAVEL CUP

Dear Lonely Travel Cup,

I know I should still be motivated. I should still have that deep desire, that exponential drive in the morning to wake up, start my day and be productive. But, I just can’t seem to wake up in the morning anymore. I have lost that pep in my step, the swag in my stride, the ambition of waking up right before my alarm goes off to go and plunge into the deep ravine of an unpredicting world. The aspiration of goal setting, of deciding that today is the day I will finally work on the eternal objective of happiness and fulfillment. Please Lonely Travel Cup, how can I find the motivation to once again escape the warm embrace, the utopia of tranquillity and coziness my blankets, pillows, candles and room create for me?

Sincerely,
Comfort Under My Comforter


Dear Comfort,

lonely travel mug picture.jpgThere was once a time when I as well had a purpose in life, the conviction to accomplish my one true meaning, keeping drinks warm. But alas, lately there too is a lack of passion in the expectations for my one true self. My personal milieu of keeping your Guatemala Casi Cielo snug inside my chamber, your Cameroon Mt. Oku blend toasty to true perfection for hours on end has all be abandoned. No, nothing. There is nothingness in this life of sorrow and destain, of unquantifiable wonder of what life is truly and authentically about.

Remembering when I was purchased, a present for the one who fills the holes in your life. My sleek and slender frame wrapped with powerful silver insulation. It was almost perfection imagining where I would soon be off too. Morning train rides into the office before relaxing on the way home with some deeply steeped black tea. Or perhaps a vacation to the Baltic islands of Sweden, where warmth could, but rather, would be needed at a moment’s notice. And then, then it started, and it was ravishing to the fullest extent. For two weeks I was constantly filled, not just with delectable beverages but with the lust for what we like to think of as the “why” of life. It was an all time Shangri-La, an escape to an unsuspecting paradise. But now, now I go unused, alone, cold and forgotten. My advice: stay in bed, remember the good times and next time you have a beautiful memory, make it last as long as possible.

Sincerely Yours,
L.T. Cup