Tag Archives: Adult

I Dress Up As Hannah Montana During Sex

BY Miley Cyrusmileycyrus

So here’s the thing, I know most of y’all at this point don’t wanna listen to what I have to say, but this is an important confession I have to make. I dress up as Hannah Montana during sex. I know what y’all are thinking, “Wait Miley, I thought you said you hated Hannah Montana. I thought it was mentally traumatizing for you?!” Well, yeah. It fucking was. But that’s why I dress up as her in bed. It makes me feel powerful, like I’m facing my biggest fear. How do you think I got Liam back? That’s right, I enticed him with my blonde wig and sequin outfits. And I sing “Nobody’s Perfect,” all while fucking Liam with my strap-on. That’s right kids, Hannah Fucking Montana wears a strap-on AND is into sado-masochism.

Why am I telling y’all about this? To start a muthafuckin conversation. I need people to know that it’s totally fine to dress up as a pre-teen girl and have really hedonistic sex. Now, the things I’m saying might seem too jarring and aggressive for you, but this is me, this is how I talk. I’m badass and I don’t care what you think. That’s how grownups act, and I’m definitely a fucking grownup.

So don’t make it like it’s weird. We all know you jacked off to me when your little sister used to watch my show. I’m back, and I’m better than ever. Nobody can stop me. So download my new album. It’s free, by the way.

HOW TO ADULT IN COLLEGE

BY Grind All

Portrait Of Mature Man Daydreaming While Holding Pen

I know kids we are all growing up and it’s fucking scary, but never fear! We at The Medium are here to help you make that transition into adulthood.

1. Your main drink of choice is now beer. You thirsty? You hungover? Grab a fucking beer you pussy. You’re an adult now, other beverages don’t exist.

2. Get ready to start talking about the weather all the fucking time. I don’t care if you actually don’t give a shit about the weather, this is adult 101.

3. Start using more sophisticated words like “mortgage” and “briefcase”. It’s okay if you don’t have either of these items or even know how a mortgage works. It’ll just make you sound smart.

4. You’re now gonna have to squint and hold your phone like a foot from your face every time you get a text. Even if you can see it fine up close, the essential adult look is squinting at a phone a foot away from your face.

5. Actually enjoy watching sports like golf????? And maybe even golfing!!!! I know it’s wicked fucking boring but adults do this shit because their body can’t do much else. This will be you someday. Old and loving golf.

Congrats you’ll now be a successful adult.