Tag Archives: 9/18/2019

We Should be Happy About Climate Change, Which is Definitely Natural

BY TIMOTHY TURNER

 

We kids sure do have a big challenge ahead of us what this whole climate change thing, but I have complete faith in us to overcome it. In fact, I have so much faith in us that I can’t help but see it as a net positive for humanity as a whole! Sure, we may never see snow again, but soon we will have an infinite summer! No more pencils! No more books! No more Mr. Crocker staring me down every time I bend down to pick up a pencil! I know if I could wish for anything in the world, an infinite summer would be on the top of my list!

Not that I could wish for it or anything, that would be ridiculous! But… I mean… you could see why I would right? Infinite summer! Every kid’s dream! Think of all the happiness it will bring to the world! Sure, millions of people’s houses will be under water, and there’s gonna be a global humanitarian crisis, but how was I supposed to know how many lives would be lost? And hey… no home means no homework right? It’s a win win! If you think about it, refugee camps are just one big outdoor sleepover! And… And… Listen I’m sorry okay! Wanda went to Fairy World for a few days to visit her parents and Cosmo thought it was a good idea! How was I supposed to know any better? I’m like 12 years old! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I should have learned my lesson after I wished for the NYC skyline to be less cluttered.

New Super Mario Minigame lets Mario eat Bowser’s Ass

By Heywood Jablomi

On top of being a plumber, athletic star, kart driver, world adventurer, consort for princesses, and brutal murderer of thousands of intelligent species by stomping them to death, one of Mario “Jumpman” Mario’s staples is his minigames. Ever since late 1998 with the release of Mario Party, Mario and friends have displayed a wide variety of odd talents in an array of minigames. While the first entry in the series will live in infamy for giving players blisters, Mario was undeterred in his board game-based quests, and despite an absolutely lackluster era from entry #8 to entry #10 (capped off with one of the worst “best of” games in recent memory), the low bar set by those games lead to the decent-but-only-decent Super Mario Party being very much appreciated by fans, so Mario’s finally back to minigames!

Lots of Mario Party games have been fairly bizarre. Mario Party DS shrunk the main cast down (which was certainly a lead developer’s fetish), allowing for odd scenarios such as riding bugs or humping mechanical pencils to see how quickly they can extend them, but even “normal” games have some very odd concepts. Players can take to the skies in airplanes to shoot each other down, willingly step into an arena and get hammers thrown at them, jerk off the wii remote as fast as they can, raid ancient temples, make smoothies (which is pretty normal but why is that a game?), try to knock each other into lava, get crushed by pages of a giant book, and let’s not talk about those Donkey Kong games where the characters try to fit as many bananas as they can up their asses.

In order to top all that and make their next game even more memorable, Nintendo had to step their game up, and what we found in a recent leak is shocking. The data mine recovered one and only one minigame, but it’s certainly a big one: Mario (or any other player controlled character) can now eat Bowser’s ass, and the player will have to shake the Joy-Cons or mash a button to give Bowser the most pleasure.

Nintendo fans have already gone wild with the implications of this, with of course camps divided into whether to consider the Party games canon or not. However, Bowser’s sexuality is the Mushroom Kingdom’s worst kept secret, as Mario outed the man repeatedly back in Super Mario 64, taunting him with “so long, Gay Bowser!” whenever he scored a hit during boss battles. Princess Peach has also reported in interviews that he seems to not desire her (or her kingdom) one bit, but rather he uses her as his beard and in an attempt to give his adopted son a mother figure.

All this, however, was leaked without his permission, and as such Bowser’s never had a formal coming-out. This minigame seems to be his big announcement, and despite the less-than-family-friendly nature of his announcement, the gay community is ready to welcome him with open arms.

Hasbro launches New “Brex-It” Toy In Europe

By One of the News Editors, I Guess

On Tuesday morning, Hasbro made a surprise announcement on Facebook that a special edition toy would be released in select stores in Europe for a limited time. In an interview with brand representative Madison Ivy, she stated: “We simply enjoyed the absolute fucking meme Brexit has been so far and agreed to commemorate it with this special edition.” In this special edition of the classic Bop-It toy, you too can bop the UK the fuck off the European Union through a part of the toy that sports the British flag. As Ivy took a fat rip out of a bong, she further commented on how her favorite part of the toy was how it really made you feel like Boris Johnson. “It’s a powerful and almost sensual feeling, to be completely honest; nothing makes me wetter than envisioning myself as a second-rate Donald Trump.”

Eli Manning Swapped for Dumber, Uglier Version of Himself

By: Flick Booger

East Rutherford – In a strange twist of events a look alike of Eli Manning has been picked as the starting quarterback of the New York Giants. The news broke early Tuesday morning, as the clear blue sky opened up above the Giants training facility above East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, what should have happened was for the sky to turn blood red. This can be said because Eli Manning and his career have been publicly axed. Until now, no one knew who he was, or how he got there. He just randomly showed up because he claims he won a Eli Manning look-alike contest back in high school. Giants’ General Manager, Dave Gettleman, says that he can’t see the difference between the two. His father calls him the next best thing. His sister calls him her husband. His mother calls him her lover. The man in question? Daniel Jones from Duke University. 

In what has shaped out to be a situation similar to when the real Buzz Lightyear was packed away in a box by a FAKE Buzz Lightyear at Al’s Toy Barn in Toy Story 2, the news comes as a huge loss for not only New York, but also the sports world in general. Daniel Jones officially took Eli Manning, stuffed him into the Football Hall of Fame, and went to go play with Woody and his other Giants friends. Jones, the 6th overall pick, comes from a football program that is the polar opposite of its basketball program. With last year’s stars Zion Williamson and RJ Barrett actually ready to begin their respective basketball careers, Daniel Jones looks like he just used his white privilege and oddly-similar looks to get his spot on the starting lineup. 

Eli Manning, arguably one of the greater quarterbacks of his generation, is a two-time Super champion, and a two-time Super Bowl MVP. Additionally, he ranks within the top 10 of TDs thrown, and yards received. With such stats backing up the aging quarterback, you can only wonder whether or not Gettleman and crew were smoking long doobies one Sunday evening when they made this decision. Daniel Jones has a long road ahead of him. With already a 0-2 season, there is not too much room for error. At this point, going 0-16 would look a lot better than 1-15. The Giants definitely need to reconsider their draft pick and get their heads straight. Many people are already showing their concern, with one fan saying, “I dread the second coming of Jesus less than this”. At the Medium, we wish Daniel Jones all the bad luck ahead of him.

I Don’t Smoke Weed, and Even if I Did it Wouldn’t be a Big Deal, Mom

BY CHRIS ROBERTSON

Mom… Mom… MOM! Give me like five minutes before you start screaming, okay? Good. Maybe if you learned these communication skills sooner then dad wouldn’t have left you for better mom. Anyway, listen, I’m not high. Like, I don’t even know what weed is. Or… Umm… What it feels like. And, I mean, why would I? You raised me better than that! You were very very careful to make sure that I was discouraged from any and all drug use. And it worked! Like, you should have seen that party mom. Everybody was doing coke and all I did was smoke a little weed! I was being responsible as hell!

I mean, wait- I didn’t smoke any weed at all! I, like, went around handing out water bottles and stuff so that nobody woke up hungover! Just like you taught me! Remember? When dad would come home slashed and you’d tell me to get him water so he could get up for work in the morning? I remembered! It played out the exact same way too! Within 30 minutes of the vodka coming out people were fighting. Like physically! Just like you guys! And honestly I was too high for that, so I just started crying! Just like when you guys did it! I mean… FUCK. Okay mom, I’m high. Do you really care that much? Like, I drove home just fine. I could be dead, but instead I’m home before… What time is it? One? And… Uh… Jeez mom, what did you make for dinner? I got the munchies HARD.

White Student Introduces Asian Friends to a New Level of White Jokes

By Heywood Jablomi
Private Investigative Journalist

With the new semester starting to reach full swing, once-separated friend groups are  starting to reunite after a long summer, and new friendships are starting to forge. We’ve got such a large and diverse student body here at Rutgers, and today we’re going to be taking a look into a large and diverse group: students from all across Asia, and one singular white student. This student is Mr. James Johnson, a sociology major who somehow ended up surrounded by Asian STEM majors. James reported his friends as “a blast”, citing their impressive academic skill and knowledge of quality ethnic restaurants as “much cooler” than his friends back in his suburban high school. Meanwhile, his friends called James “white as fuck” but “pretty chill”, and from my time watching the group from the back corner of the student centers, they seem pretty happy together.

Despite their differences in major, interests, and cultural background, one thing brings them all together: making fun of white people. As any comedian will tell you, WASPS are the perfect target for making fun of large groups of people, for one reason greater than all others: punching up is funny, punching down is not. As a group of mostly non-white college students with roughly 82 cents to their names, most priviliged white people are prime bait to make fun of, and they found no reason to stop when a white kid joined their ranks. In the hour and a half that I sat there spying on them, they made cracks about spoiled white kids wasting their money, the absurd pumpkin spice obsession, and the ever-present butt of all jokes, Trump and his supporters.

One day, while I was riding the bus pretending to listen to music while actually eavesdropping on them, one girl made a crack about “yellow fever”, then turned to James and asked if making jokes at his expense made him uncomfortable. The tension in the group was palpable, I could tell they wanted to keep James around, but they didn’t want to stop making jokes either. Fortunately, James simply smiled and unleashed a rapid-fire storm of cracks about white guilt, older white men who try to hook up with younger women, and approximately five and a half jokes with “roll tide” as the punchline. Unfortunately, I had to get off the bus at this point and couldn’t keep eavesdropping, but through the windows I saw the friends celebrating their new repertoire of jokes, bonding over their mutual distaste of the white man.

Over the weekend, I saw the group at the student center once again, talking about the general lack of culture white people have, James once again using his intimate knowledge of white people to educate his friends on previously-unexplored depths of non-culture. They seemed to be drawing the ire of tables around them, earning dirty looks from the occasional insecure white student, but I personally am proud of these kids. They’ve crossed racial and cultural barriers by finding a common interest, and forged what promises to be a lifelong friendship, and I’m proud of these kids.