By Yuri Thrall
With over 5 million clients’ personal genetic data and counting, 23andMe is the world’s premier genome testing company for customers to learn more about their ancestry. But while their genotype technology is meant for descendants to look back into the past, one local man’s business strives to look toward a future: 250 million of them.
With 526 specimen strong over 2019’s first fiscal quarter, 74 year old Bartholomew Ulysses Saggory’s garage is catering to a market largely untapped by capitalism’s invisible hand: the unborn. According to a BBC infographic, there are currently 6.75 trillion people lying unperturbed in the immaterial stillness of nonexistent oblivion, and with the aid of his prototype biochemical extraction technology, Saggory wants to hear the brave stories comprising every single one.
“I, as many do, feel this life is a truly beautiful gift. No matter our differences, we are all nonconsensually borne into an ornate slurry of defecation and placenta, forced to gorge upon the flesh of other organisms, forced to secrete fluids, forcibly indebted to a higher authority, forced to seek orifices and orgiastic imagery to contrive some vague sense of hedonic meaning, and forcibly thrust forth into the boundless yonder of being slowly ground into charnel dust. Alone. Fetid. Rotting. Nothing. Anywho, if corporations such as 23&Me can illuminate the commonality we all share and encapsulate this beauty in our ancestor’s lives, why can’t we illuminate that beautiful common totality for the lives of progeny?”
Saggory explained that his genotype analysis was a three week process: for the price of a sample and a $250 down payment, his computational algorithm would deduce an individual narrative outline for each one of a client’s 250 million preserved sperm cells in their ejaculate. His startup, Jizm 250, has garnered viral attention, including hundreds of blog posts where clients share inspiring anecdotes about the children they’ll never have.
“Thank you SO MUCH sir!” wrote Clint Taurus (24), “I am SO proud to know that my nonexistent fraternal twins would’ve become famous Silicon Valley influencers with their CBD suppository startup #HempPlug.”
“It was such a poignant reminder of female empowerment to learn that 724 of my beautiful baby girls would’ve all went on to prosecute 96 single moms for truancy, AND install 48 different proxy paramilitary regimes in Latin America #YaasKween #Slaaay.” wrote David Benton (37).
“I was never a big believer in God’s plan and miracles before, but KNOWING that all of my hypothetical quintuplets lives would end the same way is pretty life-affirming. Two youngest sisters? Immolate in a 14-car pile up on the interstate freeway. Two eldest brothers? Both in hospice for dementia, BOTH rectums prolapsed into colostomy bags. Middle kids? Always drafted, always lose right leg, always resort to alcoholism to cope with the crippling exorbitant self-loathing agony of being alive, always have their ex-wives and daughters perish in the Great Holocene Extinction, always follow the family footsteps of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, always lose those fucking left legs to Type 2 Diabetes, and always have their carotid arteries bleed out over the blacktop cement of a Denny’s parking lot. How do you explain these ‘coincidences’, atheists? #EverythingHappensForAReason” -Wrote Richard Pound (52).
Saggory was a little cagey about explaining how, though he did divulge a little about Jizm 250’s methodology and it’s local success: “These lonely university youth are hormonally compelled to secrete upon holes and tubes, so where to secrete? Roommate will observe tissue paper, other suitemates and air-conditioning surveillance cameras may catch them in the lavatory, so where else for that sticky secretion to coagulate than the discreet, bioavailable cotton luminescence of a sock? Truly, a Calvin Klein Soft Touch is the foremost theatre to promulgate conflict, love, bigotry, life, death, opulent wealth, cheap labor, athletic transcendence, disease, consumption, fascism, liberation, serial murder, lowly feudal serfs and conquering Macedonian warlords! Truly, Jizm 250 is interconnected with boundless meaning, thick, Byzantine ropes of meaning, one might say.”
By the end of this fiscal year Q2, Saggory hopes Jizm 250 will be able to be generate enough revenue to open a second facility in New Brunswick, pay off his counts of criminal fraudulent grand larceny, and have his name expunged from the Sex Offender Registry.