Tag Archives: 2/6/2019

Prisoners Start National Movement to Protest Gentrification of Prisons

After a substantial number of President Trump’s campaign and White House staff move into prisons nationwide, the landscape of the prison system in changing to accommodate them and members of prison populations are taking action.  The significant influx of high profile men entering various prisons have led to changes that alter the way of life for the prisoners inside. Because of the power the men yielded in the political world, prison officials have drastically changed the daily items offered to their prisoners.  Prison food isn’t great by any standard, but foie gras replacing funky smelling bologna sandwiches isn’t receiving much praise from consumers. To make matters worse, the orange jumpsuits and scrubs are now printed with black ink and designed to look like suits to look more formal. The commissary is now stocked with The Wall Street Journal and The Economist instead of the usual magazines like Sports Illustrated and The Inquirer.  The entrance of many affluent, college-educated White men into prisons has essentially gentrified prisons, one of the last places where social division occurs naturally and not through superficial economic forces.

One leader of the movement, Jim Reevus, says this about the radical changes to the prison system, “You know, no one likes prison how it is, but that doesn’t mean we want the whole system to be upended to fit the standard of some boujee old white guys.  We came here for hard time, not to read long-winded articles about tax rates and business mergers.” Prisoners are now taking to the yard with homemade picket signs made from piecing together pages of The Wall Street Journal with phrases like “Keep prisons prisons” and “There’s no first class here.”

Meet the Area Entrepreneur who Set Out to Create a “Reverse 23 & Me” Service

By Yuri Thrall


With over 5 million clients’ personal genetic data and counting, 23andMe is the world’s premier genome testing company for customers to learn more about their ancestry. But while their genotype technology is meant for descendants to look back into the past, one local man’s business strives to look toward a future: 250 million of them.

With 526 specimen strong over 2019’s first fiscal quarter, 74 year old Bartholomew Ulysses Saggory’s garage is catering to a market largely untapped by capitalism’s invisible hand: the unborn. According to a BBC infographic, there are currently 6.75 trillion people lying unperturbed in the immaterial stillness of nonexistent oblivion, and with the aid of his prototype biochemical extraction technology, Saggory wants to hear the brave stories comprising every single one.

“I, as many do, feel this life is a truly beautiful gift. No matter our differences, we are all nonconsensually borne into an ornate slurry of defecation and placenta, forced to gorge upon the flesh of other organisms, forced to secrete fluids, forcibly indebted to a higher authority, forced to seek orifices and orgiastic imagery to contrive some vague sense of hedonic meaning, and forcibly thrust forth into the boundless yonder of being slowly ground into charnel dust. Alone. Fetid. Rotting. Nothing. Anywho, if corporations such as 23&Me can illuminate the commonality we all share and encapsulate this beauty in our ancestor’s lives, why can’t we illuminate that beautiful common totality for the lives of progeny?”

Saggory explained that his genotype analysis was a three week process: for the price of a sample and a $250 down payment, his computational algorithm would deduce an individual narrative outline for each one of a client’s 250 million preserved sperm cells in their ejaculate. His startup, Jizm 250, has garnered viral attention, including hundreds of blog posts where clients share inspiring anecdotes about the children they’ll never have.

“Thank you SO MUCH sir!” wrote Clint Taurus (24), “I am SO proud to know that my nonexistent fraternal twins would’ve become famous Silicon Valley influencers with their CBD suppository startup #HempPlug.”

“It was such a poignant reminder of female empowerment to learn that 724 of my beautiful baby girls would’ve all went on to prosecute 96 single moms for truancy, AND install 48 different proxy paramilitary regimes in Latin America #YaasKween #Slaaay.” wrote David Benton (37).

“I was never a big believer in God’s plan and miracles before, but KNOWING that all of my hypothetical quintuplets lives would end the same way is pretty life-affirming. Two youngest sisters? Immolate in a 14-car pile up on the interstate freeway. Two eldest brothers? Both in hospice for dementia, BOTH rectums prolapsed into colostomy bags. Middle kids? Always drafted, always lose right leg, always resort to alcoholism to cope with the crippling exorbitant self-loathing agony of being alive, always have their ex-wives and daughters perish in the Great Holocene Extinction, always follow the family footsteps of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, always lose those fucking left legs to Type 2 Diabetes, and always have their carotid arteries bleed out over the blacktop cement of a Denny’s parking lot. How do you explain these ‘coincidences’, atheists? #EverythingHappensForAReason” -Wrote Richard Pound (52).

Saggory was a little cagey about explaining how, though he did divulge a little about Jizm 250’s methodology and it’s local success: “These lonely university youth are hormonally compelled to secrete upon holes and tubes, so where to secrete? Roommate will observe tissue paper, other suitemates and air-conditioning surveillance cameras may catch them in the lavatory, so where else for that sticky secretion to coagulate than the discreet, bioavailable cotton luminescence of a sock? Truly, a Calvin Klein Soft Touch is the foremost theatre to promulgate conflict, love, bigotry, life, death, opulent wealth, cheap labor, athletic transcendence, disease, consumption, fascism, liberation, serial murder, lowly feudal serfs and conquering Macedonian warlords! Truly, Jizm 250 is interconnected with boundless meaning, thick, Byzantine ropes of meaning, one might say.”

By the end of this fiscal year Q2, Saggory hopes Jizm 250 will be able to be generate enough revenue to open a second facility in New Brunswick, pay off his counts of criminal fraudulent grand larceny, and have his name expunged from the Sex Offender Registry.

Divorced Dad Gives Relationship Advice, Like he’s one to Fucking Talk

By Swat Joplin
Elite police marksman

Tim Murdock, twice-divorced father of two, made waves this week when he totally exasperated his daughter even though he was just trying to be supportive. The local dad reportedly made an attempt to give some fatherly advice late Monday when his oldest child, Rebecca, 19, passingly mentioned she was in a new relationship.


“I just wanted to mention it,” Rebecca said in an interview, “because me and Kathryn have been dating for like a month and a half and this relationship is kind of an important part of my life. But I really should have known better. Every time I bring up my dating life with my dad, he sees it as an opportunity to like, tell me how to seduce women.” Mr. Murdock separated from Rebecca’s mother in 2002 and they divorced eight months later. He was briefly remarried from 2008 to 2012, to a kind but stern real estate agent he met at the grocery store. Tim is currently “playing the field” and spends his moderate amounts of free time and money taking his OkCupid boos to hibachi.


A self-described ladies’ man, Tim admits he jumped at the chance to pass on some Murdock wisdom when his daughter approached him last week. Rebecca reports that her dad spent the better part of twenty minutes explaining that his marriage to his first wife would still be going strong today if she had just been better at communicating.


“I love my daughter very much, no matter what, and I want her to feel comfortable dating whoever she wants,” Mr. Murdock told The Medium, “but she’s always had trouble maintaining relationships. I feel like she doesn’t understand women. They can be really confusing! Subversive, even. Rebecca’s mother was like that. No kid of mine should have to navigate that alone, and I think I could help her out.”


Rebecca cites her own status as a woman as evidence that she knows what women are like. However, she avoided confronting her father about the issue, stating that sometimes it’s easier to just let him feel helpful.

PC Culture is Offensive to Xbox Gamers

By Wayne Kerr

Listen up, cocksuckers, my name’s Wayne and I’m 14 years old, and I’ve been kicking ass in Call of Duty since you were playing Pokemon in your diapers. I’m here to tell you one thing, this sissy PC shit is fucking garbo. I’m not talking about the “PC masterrace” idiots, although I’m sure those fucks are on it too, I’m talking about those libcucks trying to take away our freedom of speech by telling us what we can and can’t say online. Well let me tell you all something, you snowflakes have to get out of your safe spaces and stop being little bitches. Man the fuck up and stop whining about being called a f*g when you’re being a shit teammate, all that happens is you sound like a girly bitch cocksucker.

And it’s not just over Xbox either! I called out some bitch over twitter for being a tranny and people got mad at me for being offensive! I’m just saying it like it is, but nooooooo, these millennials have to get all triggered at it. I have to say, it really makes me feel bad when people yell at me when they think I do something wrong, even though it’s their fault for being such sensitive fannies!

Oh my god, speaking of sensitive fannies, I was playing Fallout 76 and this twink started flirting with me, told me he “liked my character model”. Well my friend and I started attacking this gay shit, just some good old fun, you know? Didn’t mean anything by it, we just found this gay fuck and decided to beat him around a bit. The fucker reported us for harassment! This is why I can’t stand the gays, they just can’t take a joke. It’s not just Fallout 76 either, whenever I tell a teammate that they’re sucking, they call me toxic and report me, like I’M the problem. If you can’t take shit like that, you shouldn’t be playing video games. I grew up talking shit over Call of Duty, and I took just as much as I gave out, and look at me! I’m fine, and you whiny babies should be too if you can just grow the fuck up and stop being such cuck pussy bitches.


Aries – You didn’t think you could disappoint your mother anymore. Too bad a butt plug, four cups of jungle juice, and an ER visit is about to change all of that.


Taurus – That chicken you ate was pink. The soup was yellow. Guess which color is going to come up first. Can’t? Don’t worry, soon you’ll have your answer.


Gemini – Congratulations! Because of you, at least three professors are going to request an add/drop period for their students. That’s a record!


Cancer – When your friends tell you cuffing season still isn’t over, don’t take it literally. You’re too old to have your record expunged at this point.


Leo – When you go home for the weekend, leave the second suitcase of clothes behind. You don’t have as many friends as you think.


Virgo – Anxiety about confronting your roommate? Just convince yourself that smoky smell is just burnt popcorn. You really don’t want to know more.


Libra – If you’re going to break up with them, at least do it in Brower where the ice cream can act as self medication before their roommate’s prescription gets refilled.


Scorpio – Your roommate claims those skulls are for their new drama class. But you’re pretty sure that you’ve heard them talking to it when they think you’re asleep. Is it too late for a room change?


Sagittarius- You’re not going to want to open the next text you get. Trust me.


Capricorn- The next Nigerian Prince that emails you actually needs your money. Please help him, this is his last chance.


Aquarius- Your face will be the picture in the next big meme. This could be good or bad. Or very bad. Possibly career ending. Maybe even… life ending.


Pisces- Tomorrow you will wake up next to Adam Sandler, hearing him mutter, “dammit, time for the 29th first date”.