Tag Archives: 2/20/2019

NASA Devastated that Opportunity Ignored Their Valentine Text

Valentine’s Day might be a distant memory, but NASA is still hung up on it. They had sent the Mars rover, Opportunity, the message: “Will you be my Valentine?” The message had been meticulously crafted after it went through a grueling experimentation process. After crunching the numbers, they believed they were ready to pop the question. Alas, a response never came.

Struck down in the worst possible way, NASA was ghosted by Opportunity. The Rover refuses to answer any of NASA’s subsequent messages. It was a disaster at NASA, with the whole facility going through emotional turmoil. The staff expressed their opinion on the rejection, many taking it better then others.

One well adjusted NASA engineer said, “Honestly, I don’t blame it. Long distance relationships are tough, especially the 54.6 lightyear ones. I have no ill will toward Oppie, it was a great listener and would always be willing to do any little thing we asked, no the size of the rock to hold. I wish it the best on Mars and hopefully it would look back to our time together affectionately.”

Another NASA employee took it a bit personally: “Honestly, I know we aren’t great, but now I just feel like crap. There are so many other Space organizations to compete with and I can’t help but be jealous. What if Opportunity would say yes to the Russians or the Chinese? I know for damn well the Indians were trying to slide into the DMs of the moon rovers, what if it enticed our Opportunity? Honestly, I just look in the in the mirror and try to hold back the tears. I thought what we had was real.”

A particularly bitter scientist is pretty sure about his stance on the rejection: “Honestly, screw Opportunity, that chubby six wheeled cunt. We don’t need Opportunity at all, it’s a fat slut that is going to die alone for being as frigid as Mars’ South Pole. It’s probably on Olympus Mons mingling it’s extending camera with a bigger, blacker, Elon Musk Rover. Planning some interplanetary orgy. Well good riddance, we don’t need it. We got plenty of other Rovers to choose from, we are practically swimming in them.”

All of the responses by the NASA employees basically fit under these categories – taking it well, very insecure, or extremely bitter. All now NASA has to do now is to take a deep breath and move on. As the bitter scientist put it, “Life on Mars? Fuck no, Opportunity is a cold heartless bitch!”

Rutgers Researchers Discover that Healing Crystals are Real

By: Richard Hertz

 

Much to the dismay of skeptics, doctors, and haters of know-it-all white suburban mothers, scientists, and medical researchers at Rutgers University have discovered the true powers of Healing Crystals and Stones. That’s right, those colorful little rocks hack celebrities and mystics have been claiming divine powers for centuries! A four decade long research project has finally concluded with results that shocked the academic and medical worlds.

It was found that 78% of people who suffer from sleep apnea, night terrors, and bed wetting were found to be completely symptom free a mere week after they started to sleep with a pile of Amethyst under their pillows; that number skyrocketed to 97% within a month of treatment. Sufferers of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses showed a statistically significant improvement after they started to wear a Rose Quartz necklace. The medical jewelry was also found to have an increased effect over time. Most shocking of all, the crystal Garnet was found to have 100% effectiveness at fighting all forms of cancer. That’s right, after the patients began swallowing a golf ball sized rock of Garnet twice a day for about three weeks, they entered complete remission every time.

This body of evidence has been accumulating for years, so why have the researchers decided to wait so long before publishing their findings? We asked the senior investigator, Dr. Edwin Gronkowski, about the delay.

“It just sounded too stupid to be true.” the doctor said, “for years I had been telling patients not to listen to whatever pseudoscience bullshit people like Gwyneth Paltrow tell them to do, so we had to be completely sure before we went public.” The entire fields of medicine and psychology have been flip turned upside down; and pharmaceutical companies have begun to buy out the mineral excavation industry so they can skyrocket prices. The more things change the more they also stay the same I guess. We asked Mrs. Paltrow for a quote on the matter, only for her to respond by throwing a Jasper stone through our window with a piece of paper attached to it that read “Called it. Eat Shit. Love, GP”; thus proving that these crystals really do have a number of different useful properties.

Ten Reasons Why Ted Bundy is Innoncent

By Caron Ann Boone

As you may know I am the ex-wife of the infamous Ted Bundy. I know what you all think I’m crazy, but I am not so please, whoever you are, stop sending psychiatrists to my home. It is very important that I clear my late ex-husband’s name, that is why I am making this top ten list. Here are the top ten reasons why Ted Bundy is innocent.

  1. He is just to damn adorable, how could anyone who can be played by Zac Efron be a killer.
  2. He defended himself in court, only an idiot would defend themselves if they were guilty.
  3. He was so friendly, he could get anyone to like him and trust him.
  4. He told me he didn’t do it.
  5. He never wanted to have sex so how could he possibly have done those things to those girls with no sex drive?
  6. When we did have sex it wasn’t much, so how could he have been so vicious?
  7. The trailer for “Extremely Wicked, Shockingly evil, and vile” makes him look super cool so how could he possibly be a murderous monster?
  8. They forced him to admit it before his death.

 

That’s all I could think of, but he is innocent!!!

Open Letter: If AOC Is A True Democratic Socialist, Then Why Hasn’t She Redistributed Horny DMs Into MY Inbox?

By Ben Shapiro

 

Dearest Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez,

 

I know you, Alexandria. I know that in spite of my best efforts, you shall continually cease to publicly acknowledge my numerous @’s, right swipes, requests for debate, or our mutually exchanged niceties in the hallway. I even went insofar as ordering my editorial board at the Daily Wire to disseminate 210 articles about you over this past year.

 

Anywho, I am at a loss of what to do anymore. I could press you about your ongoing critique against capitalism (despite owning an iPhone and living in a house and Venezuela), your advocacy of environmentalism (despite exhaling carbon dioxide emissions), or your bigoted criticism of “attacking” sewage-dwelling Palestinian children with white phosphorus. Not that you would ascertain the logical science, Alexandria, but phosphorus is essential for life. You could put even put it on your enchiladas!

 

But I’m not going to do that, Miss Ocasio-Cortez. Instead, as a true rationalist would, I shall finally enunciate the quiet part loud. Since the dawn of your 2018 Campaign, I have been persistent in blessing your private Twitter and Instagram inboxes with the warmest regards, cordial invitations to reach across the aisle, and photographic encapsulations of my mastodonic 5’4”, 116 pound frame. Indeed, Alexandria, for all your supposed “socialist” rhetoric about “seizing the means of production” and “redistribution of wealth”, you sure are reluctant to redistribute salacious direct messages in return.

 

Why, Alexandria? I am a traditionalist married man; you may not align with my values and I may not align with your own Latin American values, but please. We may not agree on a lot, Miss Ocasio-Cortez, but like your bold conquistador forefather Hernan, I would not mind to allow you to establish dominion over my sovereign private property. I may not be an elected official, Alexandra, but I commiserate with your hectic, busy work schedule.

 

However, if we both find mutual free time within the inner sanctum of this Valentine’s Month or beyond, I implore you to look into your heart and hold a civil discussion with me nearby. Or, if you prefer, we could schedule a rendezvous around D.C. or the Bronx.

 

Please, Alexandria. The free marketplace of ideas cannot be exchanged if it is simply left on “read”. Thank you.

 

Sincerely,

 

Benjamin Aaron Shapiro

On-Campus Restaurants Ranked by Quality of Chicken Tenders

By Heywood Jablomi

Poultry Pincher

 

Everyone loves chicken tenders, they’re a college dining staple. Relatively cheap, full of protein, friend, and best of all, made of mankind’s greatest foe, the chicken. But where can you get the best chicken tenders? That’s what I’m here to tell you. Here’s my ranking of every venue where you can get chicken tenders on campus, except for Cook-Douglass because I remain unconvinced that C/D actually exists.

 

  1. RU Hungry: I might be cheating a little bit, because this isn’t so much the quality of the tenders so much as the context of the tenders. Part of it is the sandwich they come in: you can get chicken tenders just about anywhere, but here’s the only place where you can get them in a hoagie alongside french fries, mozzarella sticks, and marinara sauce. Also, when do you get RU Hungry? Only when you’re stoned or fucking starving. Everything tastes better when you’re stoned or fucking starving. It’s not just about the meat, my friends. RU Hungry has decent tenders, but they know how to sell them so they’re fantastic
  2. King Pita Palace: You’re probably thinking, Heywood you idiot, this place has Middle Eastern food! Why are you getting chicken from here? Well, one day Wendy’s had a half hour line that spiraled all the way from the front of their kiosk all the way through the tables and out to the bathrooms. There wasn’t even a sale or anything, it was just 12:55 and all the 11:30 classes had just let out. So I went to King Pita because I saw they had chicken tenders and my god, they were even better than Wendy’s. So crisp, so golden, so warm, and almost no waiting.
  3. Wendy’s: Almost as good as King Pita, and you can get a frosty with it, but they just don’t compare. They’ve got some good seasoning, and that goes double for their fries, but it’s rarely worth the wait. If you want something to eat now and something before class, then maybe get a sandwich and take the tendies for the road, but other than that, just go right next door.
  4. Woody’s: I’ll be honest, I’ve only managed to get this deep into Busch twice without succumbing to the geese and having to run away or get rescued, but back when I was on a meal plan, the chicken almost made it worth the trip. If you’re nearby, I’d definitely recommend it, and if you’re not, take something along to take care of the geese. Those tenders will make a sweet victory meal if you make survive, though.
  5. Henry’s: $8.50 for six tenders?? They take meal swipes, sure, but if you’re not on a meal plan this is probably your budget for the next day and a half. If you’re willing to spend that much, just get a fat sandwich instead, at least that will feed you for a weekend. I don’t even care how good they are at this point, it doesn’t matter if they taste the same way riding an empty LX feels, I’ll never in my life be able to afford them.
  6. The Rock Cafe: I have a tray of them right next to me and they gave me clinical depression. If you’re in the area just get some breakfast food or a grilled cheese or a burger, those are all just fine, but this chicken is just limp, lukewarm sadness in old batter with a bad aftertaste and worse mouthfeel. I regret my entire night after eating these, and now wish to go to sleep and hope tomorrow may be a better day.