With planetary divorce rates hovering around 40% as of the last census report in 2002, no one was really surprised when Earth’s parents got divorced six years and 276 days ago today. Disappointed and confused maybe, but not surprised.
The split certainly took its toll on both parties. A lengthy, emotionally-charged legal separation finally culminated in divorce, leaving Mother Nature with the proverbial lion’s share of the couple’s assets. In addition to keeping the planet the pair bought together after tying the knot and obtaining full custody of all its living creatures, Ms. Nature has been collecting alimony checks monthly per the settlement agreement. Ms. Nature reported she’s doing very well on her own these days and bears no ill will towards her ex-husband. She did, however, voice concern about his current living situation:
“He’s been in that same place since the divorce. It seems clean enough, but it’s really only suited to one person and I get a really weird vibe off that roommate of his. I don’t feel comfortable sending the kids to visit.”
Father Nature, like many new divorcees, was forced to downgrade slightly after his ex-wife claimed Earth. Looking for an affordable place close enough that he could drop by to take the kids for dinner some nights, Mr. Nature settled on Kepler-69c, an earth analog orbiting a G-type main-sequence star in the constellation Cygnus.
“It’s actually a lot like home,” Mr. Nature told The Medium, “but it’s definitely hotter, probably too hot to sustain life. It’s a little bigger than Earth too, but a lot of that space is occupied by the thick water vapor-laden atmosphere that accumulated due to a runaway greenhouse effect.”
Mr. Nature doesn’t see what’s so “kid-unfriendly” about his place, though he acknowledges his roommate can be a little intimidating at first. An entrepreneur slightly beyond middle age, Mr. Nature’s roommate has paid off his mortgage and spends his days self-publishing his additions to the Archie Comics universe. In his idealized version of Riverdale, things are pretty much the same except it takes place on a planet orbiting a double-star system, and all the kids are half human, half dark spirit.
“Like I said, I just wish he would have taken initiative and gotten a place of his own after six years,” Mother Nature continued, “I’m not letting the kids anywhere near that place as long as I can help it. The older guy who owns the place has all this weird stuff up on the walls. It’s not like, pornographic or anything but it’s pretty close. It’s kind of out of my hands once they turn eighteen though, I guess they’ll be able to go stay with their father if it means that much to them.”