Tag Archives: 2/13/2019

Local Dipshit Thinks He Can Get a Table Without Reservation On Valentine’s Day

By Single by Choice

“I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS GOING TO BE THIS MANY PEOPLE”

The war-cry echoed throughout the lobby of Steakhouse 85 as Local Dipshit lost his proverbial shit. The Host in charge was not ready to face the ire of the idiotic Dipshit. What followed was a rampage of epic proportions- punches flew, curses spit out, blood splattered, girlfriend’s eyes rolled. The altercation drew the attention of the patrons of the establishment, all finding the crimson blood really adding to the Valentine’s Day vibe.

By the time RUPD arrived, Dipshit lost his edge and fainted from the dying blood rush. Dipshit’s girlfriend was there to explain the situation to Medium correspondent, Liu ‘Kang’ phur-louvre.

“Ugh, I had been asking Dipshit for ages what he has planned for Valentines Day. Each time he assured me he had it figured out, all the while having his eyes glued to the latest Joe Rogan podcast. It was only from Rogan’s latest Veal-Meal insta post- one that featured a heart shaped bicep- that he realized he forgot to get a reservation. Then he rushes me here and… well you can see what happened,” explained Madam Dipshit.

Steakhouse 85 quickly cleaned up the mess and kicked the dipshit to the curb. Valentines Day commenced as usual, until another Dipshit tried to get in without a reservation.

Top 10 Places to Juul on Campus

Whether you’re trying to be secretive, or just going for style points, it’s your lucky day. I’ve been aggregating data to determine the best locations to juul on campus. I’ve proudly developed this list for a diverse array of people including cool people who juul and uncool people who juul. Just go to these places, take a drag that no one will notice anyway, and feel that you’re doing it right. Here you go:

  1. Alexander Library. Any room will do, though the larger rooms like the undergraduate and graduate reading rooms are the best. Nothing like getting some work done with friends and taking that quick rip of nicotine to the face. Or, if you’re a loser and do work by yourself, you can juul in one of the cubicles.
  2. A dining hall. It’s against the rules. Enough said.
  3. Livingston Student Center room 117 D. Bonus points if it’s on a Monday at 8 pm. We at The Medium are big juul supporters, and totally won’t make fun of you if you come to a meeting and take a big hit.
  4. The exhaust pipe in Tillet Hall. I also heard this is a great make out spot.
  5. Scott Hall Bathroom. They’re kinda gross, so maybe that rush of nicotine may make you forget about the nastiness.
  6. In the stairway of the business school. Although other kids are probably already doing it there, but at least you’ll fit in for once.
  7. In Starbucks. It smells nice and you’ll feel even better mixing nicotine and caffeine unless you have a heart attack.
  8. Back seats of the bus, but only if you’re high key and very obnoxious about it.
  9. In the Uber you take to class. Hopefully the driver won’t kick you out or call you a pussy.
  10. During a multiple choice test, and hitting it once for A, twice for B, three times for C, four times for D.

Dog the Bounty Hunter Announces Bid for 2020

By: Richard Hertz

As the reality of Donald Trump possibly being in jail for the 2020 election sets in, the GOP have been scrounging to find an appropriate replacement candidate that can match the needs of the diverse base that the Donald has carved. Republican lawmakers’ prayers were answered early this morning as reality show legend and American icon, Dog the Bounty Hunter announces his presidential run for 2020.

“We’re all kicking ourselves for not thinking of it sooner” says senate majority leader and shriveled up turtle Mitch McConnell. Though you might not consider the two to be all that similar, the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Both are reality show stars that enjoyed many years of success, they both have a many children to various different wives, and above all they both rock that crisp orange skin aesthetic.

However similar they may be, Dog seems to be the candidate that can unify the GOP in even moreso than the Donald. For starters, Dog is a self made man. Where Donald Trump relied on small loans of a million dollars, Dog clawed his way to the top through the for-profit criminal justice system and good marketing. When Donald Trump is being a criminal in the posh 1% sort of way, Dog was backing up his friend in a drug deal gone bad glacking a pimp in the 70s. He loves the troops, and routinely made visits to bases to sign autographs even before becoming a presidential hopeful.

He’s like the chad Trump, and after the president gets strong armed into pardoning his felony charge he will be the next president of the United States. He is already trying to merge party lines by choosing a running mate from the democratic party. Shortly after announcing his run he made public his choice of running mate, his choice is none other than Snoop Doggy Dog. The two are set to run on a platform of total Marijuana legalisation, Gun reform that involves giving every healthy adult an AR-15 when they turn 18, and giving all dogs the right to vote.

Top 5 Things Retail Taught me that I Never Wanted to Know

By Heywood Jablomi
Quick Chek Survivor

  1. All the lyrics to ABBA’s Dancing Queen. Retail stores only have about fifteen or twenty songs on their playlist, and holy shit, some of the songs were a lot worse, but none of them played as much as Dancing Queen. If you held me at gunpoint and made me sing it, I could probably do it perfectly, but I’d also probably rather you shoot me.
  2. Your fucking job. There’s nothing I like better than someone standing at the counter after their transaction telling me about their $30/hour desk job where they can slack off all day when I’ve been here for three and a half hours and have probably five more ahead of me. When I say “have a good one,” that’s your hint to go home so I can clean off the counter so my boss doesn’t have to tell me to.
  3. Different types of cigarettes. Red is usually standard, yellow is light, silver is ultra light, green is menthol, unless you’re fucking pall mall or american spirit and taking up the entire goddamn rainbow. I’m sure my knowledge of cancer sticks will serve me well out in the world. Aren’t entry-level jobs supposed to teach you something useful?
  4. How not to make soup. We had a soup counter, and every morning the shift leader would heat up the soup in the microwave so it would be ready for the rest of the day. Whenever I was assisting her, she’d always say “this isn’t the right way to do it, if you’re ever a shift leader you shouldn’t do it this way”. So what is the right way? Fuck if I know. I only ever saw her do it exactly how she told me not to, and when I quit I’d still never once seen her or anyone else heat it up the “right” way.
  5. What a 2% raise feels like. It’s especially bad when your boss tries to play it off as a good raise instead of just saying “hey you suck, work harder and maybe next time we’ll pay you more”. When the only incentive they can muster up to keep you around is an extra 26 cents an hour, you don’t really feel much like hanging around. I wouldn’t have been more tempted to hang in my nametag if he’d ordered me to.

Father Nature still hasn’t moved out of weird post-divorce exoplanet

With planetary divorce rates hovering around 40% as of the last census report in 2002, no one was really surprised when Earth’s parents got divorced six years and 276 days ago today. Disappointed and confused maybe, but not surprised.

 

The split certainly took its toll on both parties. A lengthy, emotionally-charged legal separation finally culminated in divorce, leaving Mother Nature with the proverbial lion’s share of the couple’s assets. In addition to keeping the planet the pair bought together after tying the knot and obtaining full custody of all its living creatures, Ms. Nature has been collecting alimony checks monthly per the settlement agreement. Ms. Nature reported she’s doing very well on her own these days and bears no ill will towards her ex-husband. She did, however, voice concern about his current living situation:

 

“He’s been in that same place since the divorce. It seems clean enough, but it’s really only suited to one person and I get a really weird vibe off that roommate of his. I don’t feel comfortable sending the kids to visit.”

 

Father Nature, like many new divorcees, was forced to downgrade slightly after his ex-wife claimed Earth. Looking for an affordable place close enough that he could drop by to take the kids for dinner some nights, Mr. Nature settled on Kepler-69c, an earth analog orbiting a G-type main-sequence star in the constellation Cygnus.

 

“It’s actually a lot like home,” Mr. Nature told The Medium, “but it’s definitely hotter, probably too hot to sustain life. It’s a little bigger than Earth too, but a lot of that space is occupied by the thick water vapor-laden atmosphere that accumulated due to a runaway greenhouse effect.”

 

Mr. Nature doesn’t see what’s so “kid-unfriendly” about his place, though he acknowledges his roommate can be a little intimidating at first. An entrepreneur slightly beyond middle age, Mr. Nature’s roommate has paid off his mortgage and spends his days self-publishing his additions to the Archie Comics universe. In his idealized version of Riverdale, things are pretty much the same except it takes place on a planet orbiting a double-star system, and all the kids are half human, half dark spirit.

 

“Like I said, I just wish he would have taken initiative and gotten a place of his own after six years,” Mother Nature continued, “I’m not letting the kids anywhere near that place as long as I can help it. The older guy who owns the place has all this weird stuff up on the walls. It’s not like, pornographic or anything but it’s pretty close. It’s kind of out of my hands once they turn eighteen though, I guess they’ll be able to go stay with their father if it means that much to them.”

College Recipe Guide: Valentines Day Feast for One

By Throbin Williams

 

Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.

Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.

Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.

Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.

Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.

Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.

Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.

Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.

Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.