Tag Archives: 10/23/2019

Abortion Should Be Legal and I am Why

If any of you guys knew me, you would totally agree, too.  I’m pretty sure no one likes me. It’s gotten so bad, even my professors ask me to not even bother coming to classes anymore, they know the rest of the class is gonna just make fun of me for eighty minutes.  I try telling my parents about it, but my dad just calls me a pussy before going to cry about his failure of a son, and my mom always says I’m “a walking abortion advertisement.” This last time I went home, while sleeping outside in the dog house, I had an amazing idea: I could get aborted!

I was so excited and told my parents and they were just as excited, saying, “Oh thank God!”  However, as a cis white male, I was totally unaware of any political movements, and apparently there are people who want abortion to be illegal?  I don’t know, something about “pro-life” and “we own women,” but none of these people know me. If they did, I’m pretty certain they would all agree that abortion should not only be legal but even required in some cases.  On top of this, I feel people should be able to be aborted at any age, so people like me don’t have to inconvenience everyone else anymore. Please, if you’re reading this, make sure to vote pro-choice in the coming elections, so I can get put down like the filthy animal I am.

Trojan Releases New Condom Strength: Diplomatic Immunity

Following the horrible news that “President” Donald Trump tried to force parents to meet their son’s murderer, who has so far gotten away with it under diplomatic immunity, Trojan has decided to capitalize on the events.  For those unfamiliar with the incident, Anne Sacoolas, a diplomat’s wife, was driving on the right side of the road in the wrong country, killed motorcyclist Harry Dunn, then came back to the U.S. and has been in hiding since.  Dunn’s parents, who have been advocating in the U.S. for the last two months, trying to amend restrictions to diplomatic immunity, were asked to meet with Trump last Tuesday at the White House. Once there, Trump pulled a jump scare right out of Ellen’s playbook and tried to force the parents to meet with the lady that killed their son.

Even with this atrocious new development, nothing has changed about Sacoolas’ case.  An executive at Trojan was following this news and, surprised at just how strong diplomatic immunity is, has decided to develop a new strength condom.  The Diplomatic Immunity Strength (available in all sizes, even XXS for me) will be “the strongest condom on the market” according to Trojan advertising agents, and it will contain features like spermicide, extra lubricant, enhanced flexibility, thermal strength, and needle resistance (for when your psycho girlfriend wants you to settle down).  

They performed numerous trials to test the condom’s abilities: dropping a ten-pound bowling ball down the condom; crazy women with baby pins; watching two gay guys go at it without extra lube; they even had a guy fuck a hot apple pie; the condoms didn’t break once!  I don’t know about the rest of you, but if I ever find a human being or apple pie willing to go anywhere near my penis, I’m gonna be buying Trojan Diplomatic Immunity Strength (in XXS of course).

Local College Student Memorizes Every Geico Ad While Waiting for NBA Season

By: Flick Booger 

 

With the 2019-2020 NBA season barely a day old, there has been nothing but hype for the upcoming 8 months. In what has been called the greatest preseason ever, there have been numerous trades injuries that have arguably shaken up the equilibrium of the game – most notably Kawhi Leonard’s and Paul George’s move to LA, and Kevin Durant’s season-ending injury and move to Brooklyn. With balance finally restored to the NBA kingdom, fans are eager to begin rooting for their team, and shitting on everyone else who do not concur with them. With over 1 billion fans across the globe, that’s a lot of shit. Waste Management Inc. has released a statement where they say they plan on “shifting into maximum overdrive”. 

 

In terms of fans, the NBA has the whole gamut – from diehard loyal, to perennial bandwagoners. One particular fan has caught some press recently. Tyler Mcgee of Rutgers University has claimed that he has memorized every, single Geico commercial from the beginning of time. When asked how he achieved this incredible feat, he said that he had spent the last week glued to his TV in preparation for the start of the NBA season. “Yeah, I know the real games don’t start until Tuesday, but I just wanted to prepare myself y’know? I wanted to condition my girlfriend, because trust me, I will be a dick for the next 8 months”. To test out whether or not Mcgee’s claim to fame was a farce, The Medium decided to ask him a couple of questions. A sample question asked was, “When the cavemen are dining at a restaurant with Geico’s CEO, what does the first one order”? The answer, which Mcgee immediately answered, was roast duck with mango salsa. 

 

Because Mcgee’s unusual rise to the top of Reddit was unconventional, there were many haters. Some people said, “Why don’t you get a ducking life you duck”, to which McGee responded, “why don’t you rediscover autocorrect you tit”. Despite the trolls, Mcgee’s life has not hit rock bottom. Geico has reached out to Mcgee and has offered him a 4 year Geico commercial deal worth upwards of $10 million. According to our calculations, he will hit rock bottom after blowing his first paycheck on coke.

Top 5 Phobias Turned Fetishes

By Harry Nuttsaac & P.P. Harding

  1. Defecaloesiophobia: The Fear of Painful Bowel Movements

The whole time I’m fucking this dude up the ass, the only thing he can think about is how painful his next shit is gonna be, makes him jizz on the spot.

  1. Ablutophobia: The Fear of Washing or Bathing

Oh yeah, baby, you smell like a used diaper.  God, if your breath smells this bad, I can’t wait to smell your coochie.

  1. Germanophobia: The Fear of Germany or German culture

As you tie your love down to the bed, you whisper sweet nothings into her ear: “I’m gonna pound you like wiener schnitzel.”

  1. Ostraconophobia: The Fear of Shellfish

Dowse your beloved in butter sauce and then shove crab legs up their ass, call that booty “crab cake.”

  1. Consecotaleophobia: The Fear of Chopsticks

We all know what we’re thinking here.  Every man is uncomfortable with anything going near their pee pee hole, but a guy with this phobia makes this a lot more interesting.

Jesus Walks on Raritan River, Trips on Floating Fish Corpse

By Anna Kreamina

New Brunswick, NJ – Arnold Karner, began his day as he usually would. By 7 a.m., he was perched on the edge of the Raritan River, fishing line in the water, awaiting his next catch from the giant toxic toilet that is Rutgers’s main attraction. Karner eats the fish he catches from these questionable waters every day. He can no longer walk in a straight line and, over the course of the past year, a few of his toes have fallen off, but still, he persists. He stood there on the bank, and, as usual, watched Jesus emerge in a ball of light and descend gracefully upon the river. Only this time, it wasn’t a hallucination brought on by the high sewage content of the fish. 

On the morning of October 20th, security footage from Rutgers campus does in fact show Jesus Christ himself descending from the heavens and appearing, in the flesh, on the banks of the Ol’ Raritan. The footage shows him taking his first steps, across the water. But the power of his eternal love and moral fortitude was no match for New Jersey’s #1 part-trashcan-part-waterway. He almost immediately slipped on an eyeless floating fish carcass, sending him flying head first into a half-submerged clump of Wendy’s* chicken nuggets and doll hair. He thrashed for a minute, regretting that his arrogance from being able to walk on water had prevented him from taking that beginner swim class at the YMCA. 

From there it just got ugly, as inevitable death overcame Jesus and the river demon Grogc absorbed his body into its porous skin. A tragic demise, but still arguably more pleasant than crucifixion. Incremental improvement, I guess. Until next time, you poor son of a God. 

*not sponsored, why would it be

Movie Review: Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi

By Heywood Jablomi

Deadbeat

 

Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi is the latest in an already-exhausted genre of zombie parodies that feels as slow, lifeless, and unappealing as its subject matter. Long gone are the days of Sean of the Dead, back when zombie movies were everywhere and ripe for dissection, nowadays parodies seem to have overwhelmed originals and have made the genre its own reanimated corpse, which is a wonderfully ironic twist that could make a great movie if anyone making zombie movies these days could be bothered to try something new.

I suppose I’m being too harsh here, as Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi does in fact try something new: a tamagotchi comes back to life and desires to kill its owner because of neglect. Sure, Pet Sematary could be said to do the same, except where that movie explores themes of guilt, loss, and the lengths people will go to protect the people around them no matter how unhealthy; Tamagotchi is content to rely on 80 minutes (barely feature length) of saying “it’s a tamagotchi. And a zombie! GET IT?!” and expect the audience to laugh along.

I could go on, there’s plenty of contrivances (why can the tamagotchi invade other pieces of tech and why is the PS4 of all devices safe??), stupid decisions made solely to further the plot (he knows the tamagotchi can burn him, why in the world would he pick it up? It can’t even move!) and downright awful special effects (movies from the 60s had better-looking UFOs than that), but there’s just no point. Night of the Living Death Tamagotchi is cheap, soulless, uncreative, and shallow. The only saving graces are its mercifully short length (an expos lecture is the same length and much more entertaining) and the fanservice provided by the lead actress (that Princess Zelda costume is both respectful and elegant, although bizarrely out of place. I’d recommend watching literally anything else, and I’m giving this movie a two out of seventeen.

Why I’m Pivoting from Politics to Alternative Prop Comedy

By Amy Klobuchar, Minnesota Senator

Salutations, my fellow warm blooded mammalian homo sapiens. As you may already know, I’ve had a relatively successful performance throughout the 2020 Democratic Presidential Debates, as well as an obedient chattel of subservient meat sacks interning out of my Senate office. When I meddled with my daughter over telephone as one homo sapien matriarchal figure does, she likened my charisma to the rousing movements of a fish washed ashore, floundering for it’s last dying gasps of air. 

 

Like all Earthly human denizens, I cherish achievement, conquestual accomplishments, and having my Maslowian hedonic needs satiated. Unfortunately, I am announcing my departure from pursuing one such need, that being the highest seat in the Oval Office. Ultimately, I and my focus group have determined that my “funny” aphorisms would be better suited for the environment of stand-up comedy than stand-up debates. My relatable observational analysis is resonant to commonplace homo sapien occurrences, such as meddling your offspring, enjoying salad with a pinch of dandruff, reading the damn bill, and when your dermal flesh suit enters it’s fourteenth molting cycle. 

 

I like to use a little humor on occasion, and I like to deliver said humor in a dry, robotic, deliberately monotone parlance. According to Wikipedia, anti-humor is a type of indirect humor that involves the joke-teller delivering something which is intentionally not funny, or lacking in meaning, and I embody those anti-humor stylings axiomatically. I’ve also begun to acquire the highbrow comedic tastes of Gallagher, Carrot Top, and the sadistic power-tripping supervisor who routinely exclaimed obscenities in the break room of your first job at Applebees. My worker sacks responded with excited stimuli upon having office supplies weaponized as careening projectiles towards their gelatinous skulls, and spectatorial sacks will respond no differently.

 

So, it is with bittersweet sodium benzoate flavoring that I announce the end of my presidential campaign, and the beginning of my live comedic one. Touring comedy club to comedy club nationwide, including New Brunswick’s native Stress Factory, I shall build a tight hour of one-liners, verbal, and physical abuse before a paying audience. I look forward to your congregation.