By A Selfish Fuck
This is Rutgers, we rarely get breaks. This is the one and only chance for me to get some of that R&R. This whole semester has been one binge-drinking bender that has taken a lot out of me. A man can only drink so much spiked lemonade at OB’s happy hour. The deforestation of the Amazon has not gone through as much greenery as I have with the amount of bowls I’ve smoked. Also, there is classes and studying, but honestly I think I’m good on that regard. I’m more worried about being awake for four days straight on pure, industrial grade cocaine. I’m starting to see Mother Mary come to me- and it isn’t in a lovey dovey, Paul McCartney way. My brain cells have evaporated within my skull this whole time and it’s time for them to trickle back down. I absolutely needed this detox week- filled with the necessary uppers and downers, of course- so that I can become a person again. Unfortunately, my family will not provide me the respite I deserve.
As soon as I come home, Uncle Zach just starts moaning and groaning about his his brain tumor. Like, we get it, you are feeling pain on a daily basis, so can you please be quiet as I binge this Flat Earth documentary. Now is the only time I can watch my shows and not have the deep seated dread in my unconscious due to all the assignments I am putting off. Yeah, I know I would of watched it before break anyways, it is the principle alright.
But no, I have to hear the rantings and ravings of my Mother and Father going at their fifteenth consecutive argument for the night. Who cares about who let the dog get a heatstroke in the car when they went shopping, I sure don’t! You marriage is failing and you might as well get a divorce and argue over the phone, far away from me.
Ah dear sister, who also on break, you pretend to be an ally but you are just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Stop fucking asking me how all these questions about your boyfriend, unexpected pregnancies, and how much abortions costs. These random questions that have nothing in common are just irritating you goddamn asshole.
Unfortunately, all the drama never ends and break is over. Please get your shit together fam, I’m off to have another drug fueled bender which may put me in a state penitentiary.