All Family Drama Needs to Stop When I’m on Break

By A Selfish Fuck

 

This is Rutgers, we rarely get breaks. This is the one and only chance for me to get some of that R&R. This whole semester has been one binge-drinking bender that has taken a lot out of me. A man can only drink so much spiked lemonade at OB’s happy hour. The deforestation of the Amazon has not gone through as much greenery as I have with the amount of bowls I’ve smoked. Also, there is classes and studying, but honestly I think I’m good on that regard. I’m more worried about being awake for four days straight on pure, industrial grade cocaine. I’m starting to see Mother Mary come to me- and it isn’t in a lovey dovey, Paul McCartney way. My brain cells have evaporated within my skull this whole time and it’s time for them to trickle back down. I absolutely needed this detox week- filled with the necessary uppers and downers, of course- so that I can become a person again. Unfortunately, my family will not provide me the respite I deserve.

As soon as I come home, Uncle Zach just starts moaning and groaning about his his brain tumor. Like, we get it, you are feeling pain on a daily basis, so can you please be quiet as I binge this Flat Earth documentary. Now is the only time I can watch my shows and not have the deep seated dread in my unconscious due to all the assignments I am putting off. Yeah, I know I would of watched it before break anyways, it is the principle alright.

But no, I have to hear the rantings and ravings of my Mother and Father going at their fifteenth consecutive argument for the night. Who cares about who let the dog get a heatstroke in the car when they went shopping, I sure don’t! You marriage is failing and you might as well get a divorce and argue over the phone, far away from me.

Ah dear sister, who also on break, you pretend to be an ally but you are just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Stop fucking asking me how all these questions about your boyfriend, unexpected pregnancies, and how much abortions costs. These random questions that have nothing in common are just irritating you goddamn asshole.

Unfortunately, all the drama never ends and break is over. Please get your shit together fam, I’m off to have another drug fueled bender which may put me in a state penitentiary.

Rutgers Researchers Have Officially Stopped Global Warming

Yes, it’s over. Feel free to use two straws in each drink, drive around just for fun, and throw those water bottles in the regular trash guilt-free. Rutgers scientists have figured out the solution to global warming.

“It actually wasn’t that difficult. We developed the process in a matter of months and it’s fairly simple.” said PhD student Ronald McDonald. “We built a machine that can take carbon dioxide out of the air and shove it up people’s asses. All we need to do is mass produce these relatively inexpensive machines and get enough volunteers to hook it up to their butt and let the machine do the rest. It’s painless and quite effective. It also poses no threat to the human body. The only side effect we have found is a significant increase in sex drive” McDonald said.
If they can produce 1000 machines and find enough volunteers, the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere will remain constant. Any more machines than that will slowly lower the level.

“I am so proud of what this lab has accomplished. I’ve already sucked over 1 liter of carbon dioxide up my ass and that’s just the start. After I take my next shit I’m gonna go right back to the machine. Then I’m gonna go home and plow my wife!” exclaimed Professor King Burger.

The scientists predict that the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere should be back to normal within a few years. This is exciting news, and if it works as planned we may save the planet for generations to come. “I cannot express enough gratitude to everyone involved in this project. This is just one part of the life-changing work we do here at Rutgers. I can’t wait to join in and stick some carbon dioxide right up my fun hole” said Rutgers President Robert Barchi.

Horoscopes (Dipping Sauce Edition)

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) – Hot Sauce
A fiery sauce for a fiery sign! Also I only consider putting you in my mouth when I’m drunk and then immediately after I have to wash any trace of you out with several gallons of milk. Also, you don’t make tacos as good as you think you do.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) – Ranch
Taurus is a bull which is toro in spanish and bulls are male cows and cows live on ranches which is basically a farm except their primary focus is cattle and sheep which makes sense because cattle is a group of cows and within that group of cows there are male cows
which are called bulls. So yeah… ranch.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Sweet and Sour
Cuz you’re a two-faced bitch.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Cotton Candy
Flavored Vape Juice You’re sweet and compassionate like cotton candy! Also, you barely have any substance and you’re made of 99% sugar. So basically, you’re great for a couple seconds, but then I remember you make me fat. So, pop that daddy into a vape and smoke that good good until Boom! You got yourself some cancer 😀

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Guacamole
You’re the center of every party! People love to eat you up, but no one wants to double dip. Also, you are a complete pain in the ass and I swear to God that my hands smell like cilantro for like three hours afterwards and I have to go around with fucking cilantro hands all day.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Extra Virgin Olive Oil
You’re a wizard in the deli. Also, think of the greasy, foul-breathed, acne-ridden, mouth-breeding incel screaming slurs over Call of Duty in his mom’s basement. Now make them a eunuch. You’re
still more of a virgin than he is.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Cum
Because you can suck my dick.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Vinegar You don’t mix with anyone, but you go really well on Italian subs. Also people can smell you like a mile away, so take a shower. Unfortunately, you don’t catch many flies (see Sagittarius below).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -Honey Mustard
Because you’re a honey. Also you get given out by the handful at McDonald’s. That’s it, people may ask for you, but most of the time you’re just passed around by people trying to get rid of you because they ran out of bbq sauce.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Baja Blast
Please don’t ask me why, but it may have something to do with your need to get Baja Blasted.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Water
You sick, sick fuck.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) – Tartar Sauce

½ good mayonaise, 2 tablespoons small-diced pickles or cornichons, 1 tablespoon champagne or white wine vinegar, 1 tablespoon capers, 1 teaspoon coarse-grained mustard, pinch kosher salt, pinch freshly ground black pepper. Generally served with fish.

Better a Furry than a Fascist

If you’re an avid internet user that has been around the annals of the webosphere over the past 10-20 years you likely have come into contact with, and not necessarily in a positive way, the term “furry”. A furry is someone that is attracted to anthropomorphic(human-like) animals and may engage in dressing up as such an animal at conventions, during inter-course, and sometimes in everyday life. While there is a sexual component, many individuals view the furry lifestyle as more of an identity than anything else. They by and large find zoophilia abhorrent, donate to animal rights causes, and prop of the economy through expensive fursuit and custom-porn purchases.

On the internet, furries receive a disproportionate amount of hate for how harmless they truly are. If you have a proclivity for the edgier side of cyber-space then you might end up on 4chan or some of the darker sides of Facebook and Reddit, there you will find a vast volume of pictures, memes, and stories all dedicated to talking about how gross and bizarre furries are. These pages often relish in their often right leaning views and their anti-politically correct statements, which might as well be code for being mean because you think it’s funny. There has always been people hating on Furries; people don’t like things they don’t understand, and many don’t understand dressing up in animal costumes and yiffing(whatever that means). But why is furry-hate so popular in alt-right communities?

Many people with right leanings hold very individualistic world-views and do not like the idea of government(or anyone else) telling them what to do. However, when it comes to people expressing their own individual rights and respecting those people’s right to get their yiff on, they lash out in some ugly ways. In 2014 there was a terror attack on a furry convention in the midwest, 19 people were hospitalized. On 4chan in particular, they decided to poke fun and laugh at what they viewed as an acceptable hate crime. This reaction is not uncommon when violence is done against other groups they do not like whether it be leftists or feminists. If these actions looks a little Fascisty to you, you’re not the only one. Suddenly it seems individual rights only apply to right leaning white males, and conformity is now the name of the game. I ask you dear reader which is more gross? Some fascist internet edgelord getting off on violence against people they don’t understand, or someone who gets off to consensual sex in a furry costume? I’ll let you be the judge.

Rutgers Esports Prepares for First Competitive Stardew Valley Match

It’s a big day in esports history as Rutgers kicks off the first game of competitive Stardew Valley, competing against the Rochester Institute of Technology. Stardew Valley, as a farming game, had no intention of ever being an esport, and most players hadn’t even considered it as one. That all changed over spring break as a few members of the Rutgers Esports community gathered together and challenged a few of their rival schools to a formal competition.

How, though, will this tournament work? It’s a simple race to complete the community center, which involves farming, foraging, fishing, mining, and quite a bit of luck to gather the proper items. Both Rutgers and RIT have gathered eight of their best players and gathered them into two teams of four, and starting tomorrow morning the competition will begin. The first team to fully complete the community center will win the competition, and their school will advance to the next stage of the competition.

The Medium was lucky enough to interview one of their players, HarmoniDiscord, on how they’re feeling about the competition: “I’m looking forward to it! I’ve put over 500 hours into Stardew Valley but I never imagined I’d get to play competitively. It’s going to be a big commitment, the community center takes a LONG time, but we have a good team of dedicated, experienced players, and I’m sure we’ll do better than RIT.”

Because this is the first ever Stardew Valley tournament, there’s only four schools in the running, and the prize pool isn’t very big. However, the finals are still going to be played on the main stage of the Scarlet Classic V, which is April 14th at the Livingston Student Center.

RU Football Team Dissolves, Everyone’s Happy

By, Icky Vicky

 

All of Rutgers is high off of merrymaking and mirth at the latest, breaking news. The Rutgers Football team has officially dissolved, effective Fall 2019! Did we mention they literally dissolved as well? Well they have, and nothing but pools of blood and guts remain.

Over spring break, all people connected to Rutgers football, from the coaches to the waterboys, had gruesome date with lady death. All throughout the university and far-flung spring break destinations alike, people were melted down to the bare essentials of human life. Without the glue that held them together, all that remains are puddles of their Big Ten lifestyles. Some of the puddles were found in their homes, others were found in random places around Easton ave, and at least four where in one room on the same bed- we’ll let you figure out the rest of that mystery.

It is currently unknown how all these people literally dissolved. Most where quick to accuse Thanos, The Mad Titan. After all, he did the snappity snap snap thingy in that movie. That will be the last time The Medium goes to an insane asylum to get facts. The more sensible reporters have deduced that this was a hit job by a force that is extremely wealthy and with an agenda against the football team. One obvious conclusion is the Chemistry department, all of whom are great fans of Breaking Bad, which would explain the melting. If they didn’t join the Chemistry department to literally disintegrate people, what sane reason would they have for going through Orgo?

Whoever the culprit, it does not take away from the fact that everyone is quite happy with the news. It doesn’t make much sense though. We live in the United States, which is the birthplace of American Football. Rutgers is a football college that is a part of the NCAA, all parties and tailgates follow the Football schedule. Most of the money comes from football deals and what not. The only reason Rutgers stays relevant in the popular zeitgeist is because of its sports teams. Pretty illogical. It is almost as if we don’t know what we are talking about. But hey, everyone’s happy, it says so in the title!

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly