“Alleged” NFL Double Murderer Insists he’s a Real Christian

By Ivan Yakinoff

LOS ANGELES— In the latest wild NFL offseason news, former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis hailed his inner Jesusman and came out just hours ago with this statement when asked how he would spend 10 minutes with  Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

“Where there’s no God, there’s chaos. Odell has removed God from his life. This is a kid that grew up under the covenant of who God really is. And everything he’s doing, he’s crying out for help. We have a lot of people reporting about it, but it’s always been the duty of elders to go back to help people. So that’s why I raised my hand.”

As you can see, Mr. Lewis, or shall we say, Pastor Lewis, is a supposedly a real man of God. Along with a long Hall of Fame career in which he won 2 Super Bowls, Ray Lewis is also a part time TV pastor in which he shares his Chrisitan insight and tries to enlighten us all.

Despite the fact that back in 2000, when Lewis himself was involved in a double murder in which he was “allegedly” involved in the cover-up and the fact that he has 6 kids with 4 different baby mommas, Ray Lewis still insists his Christian side is totally not a act to hide and take away attention from his wrong doings.

“Let’s be real here, sure Ray Lewis was a great football player, but his preaching is a just a load of hogwash. For all we know, if he really sat down with Odell, he’d probably be more concerned with him treating him as a kicking net and playing his diva antics than actually having any sort of great religious conversation.” said Reddit r/NFL user XxTerminatedTheBirds.

Just like how we’ll never know for sure just how much Ray Lewis was actual involved in the murders, we’re just as doubtful if we’ll know how much, if any, of a real God fearing Christian he truly is. But we have more proof for the murders.

College Recipe Guide: Roast Beast

Step 1: Travel to the land where the beast lives
Step 2: Track the beast by following foot prints and scents
Step 3: Approach the beast’s lair
Step 4: Coax the beast out with a blend of herbs and spices, saving half your bag for later
Step 5: Slay the beast with the harpoon that has been passed down through your family for ages in anticipation of this quest
Step 6: Carve yourself a large chunk of leg meat from the beast
Step 7: Build medium-small fire log cabin style
Step 8: Place large flat stone atop the burning wood
Step 9: Season chunk of leg meat with reamaining herbs and spices
Step 10: Sear on hot side of the rock
Step 11: Cook until medium rare on cooler side of the rock 3-5 min
Step 12: Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with crushed nuts
Step 13: Pair with a glass of beast blood and serve with parsley

Believe it or not, my Name is not Sam

By Sam I am not

The first twenty years of my life have been a lie. To appease the whites, I have been forced to avoid the cringe-worthy conversations and change my name, which actually is Shyamasundaram Thiruvanallam, to simply, Sam. Like what the hell do you think of my parents? You think that a pure-bred Indian couple would actually name a kid Sam? No. I was born and raised in India for fuck’s sake. Always remember this, if an Indian ever gives you an Anglicized name and that small voice inside your head questions whether or not that really is his/her name, there is a 99.9% chance that your voice is right. Of course he/she is lying.

In a world where coming out as gay has become an everyday phenomenon, I am starting a new movement: #MeTooPart2. If you have been a victim of whitewashing, this movement is for you. I would really appreciate the support and now would like to be called Shyamasundaram.

If my name fazes you in any way, remember how easily triggered people get these days. No matter how hard you try to properly pronounce my name, you will be the victim for mispronouncing it. I have been the victim for twenty years, #enoughisenough. If any of you would like to donate to my cause I will be accepting donations atfuckyouforthinkingmynamewassam@gmail.com.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly