Joe Pesci Accuses Macaulay Culkin of Sexual Assault on Set of Home Alone

By Zeke Faux
Member of Fox and Friends

HOLLYWOOD— Macaulay Culkin is known for his mishaps with drugs, totally falling apart to a crack-cocaine addiction along with making weird pizza eating videos, but luckily in recent years he has gotten his life back on track, getting his health back in order and starting a band. With all this great news along came some pretty dark shit. Joe Pesci has recently come out about the making of “Home Alone,” stating, “They were some of the worst years of my life, I would wake up everyday hoping my reality was untrue and once I realized this was the life I lived in I would cry…I haven’t been the same since.” He said throughout the sets of “Home Alone” and Home Alone 2” Macaulay abused him both physically, sexually, and mentally, Pesci claims the treatment was worse on set than what happened to his
character in the film.

“It all started when he asked me if I wanted to hang out in his dressing room and I thought, yeah sure Macaulay seems like a cool guy, but when I got there he told me to touch his penis. I truly admired him as an actor and I did not want to disappoint him and I knew that if I didn’t he would overpower me anyway or ruin my career because he was a much more popular actor than I was. He forced me to call him Kevin and recite lines from the film as he touched me, it was degrading and made me feel stupid. He would slap my butt in front of everyone on set and they all just laughed saying how adorable he was, I wanted to cry, but I was to embarrassed so I had to hold in the tears.”

We decided to contact Marv (real name not important) and when asked about he just started crying and moaning words that were inaudible. When asked if he was going to sue, Pesci said, “No amount of money could give me my life back, this is who I am now. This is who I’ve been for nearly 30 years.”

White People Need to Die

By Bill O’Leary

Yeah. That’s right, you read that right, white people need to die. I don’t mean every single one of them. But I do believe we—yeah that’s right, I’m a whitey too—need to shed some blood. Every time I see the headline, “Man shot by police,” I hope that the victim is a white male. It’s only fair. We deserve it. Each time, I open up my laptop and click on the news links to see if I’m going to see the face of a white bastard, deserving of a bullet, and instead it’s always some poor, black kid, who was wearing a hoodie, or walking down the street with skittles. It’s just so unjust that only minorities are shot by police and I believe that maybe the best way to get over the racial divide in this country is to allow for the score to be evened. I firmly believe whitey has to spill some blood to make that happen, only then will our country be united. I offer to be first.

How to Foster a Sense of Community on the Bus

By The Nifty Knitter

1. Make individual eye contact with each and every person sitting in a seat or standing.
2. Always offer your seat or the seat of someone who looks physically capable of standing to someone who looks physically incapable of standing.
3. Always engage in conversation with the bus driver.
4. Always welcome people as they enter the bus.
5. Always wish people well as they exit the bus.
6. If someone starts eating something with nuts, make sure to
make an announcement to see if anyone has allergies.
7. Offer to hold someone’s backpack if they look worn out.
8. Offer your lap to children when there are no seats left, they have poor balance.
9. If someone is listening to music, be sure to ask who the artist is.
10. Offer the person next to you one of your headphones if you’re listening to music.

Trump Places Dead Last in Government Fantasy Football League

Donald Trump has led his football team to the bottom of league standings this season while simultaneously doing the same to the USA.

By Throb Lowe
Suffers From Dry Scalp

WASHINGTON—As this year’s NFL season winds down to an end, fantasy winners and losers are beginning to secure their finishing spots. The most notable loser, is the one and only Donald J. Trump, coming in dead last in the government’s  league this year.

Finishing with only one win, Trump’s team placed dead last in a league filled with other political figures. Trump’s only victory this season was over Hillary Clinton’s team in the early weeks. His first mistake was using his first round pick to secure handsome, white millionaire Tom Brady.

“Brady is the best player on the field. Only haters and losers would pass on him in 1st rnd. Dems picked shady characters and Pittsburgh players. Sad!” Trump tweeted out at 3 a.m. the night of his draft.

The one place Trump shined this season was on the league message boards, where he managed to send more messages than his team scored points all season. According to statistics pulled from ESPN’s fantasy app, Trump’s team didn’t score more than 75 points during any given matchup.

“He spends so much time on his phone, you’d think he could do some research,” said Paul Ryan “In the draft he took Brady and the Browns D early because Cleveland hosted the RNC.”

When prompted to give a statement on his poor standing in the league, Trump told reporters that they were the ones in last and he was undefeated.

Trump is set to face Bernie Sanders in the toilet bowl this year. However, Sanders remains confident after a suspicious loss to Clinton last year.

Christmas to be Canceled as Santa put on Sex Offenders Watchlist

By Ivan Yakinoff
I’ve been Yanking off

NORTH POLE- After a year long investigation into the rumors that Santa isn’t actually real, a recent raid by Interpol revealed that Santa does indeed exist, but isn’t exactly the jolly old man that we expected him to be. A search of his mega factory turned up thousands of kid elves, many who were kidnapped and forced into child labor, and an entire storage room of counterfeit toy parts smuggled from China. But the most shocking find was the secret room in the basement and all the shocking revelations that followed afterwards.

An in depth search of the secret room showed that Santa was quite the party animal. He threw huge raves every week and did massive
amounts of blow and acid. Documents found in the room also showed that Santa was a pimp and ran the North Pole’s biggest elf prostitution ring. After being arrested and asked to explain himself to the authorities about this, Santa simply said, “My catchphrase is Ho Ho Ho, seriously guys, where in the world did you think that came from?”.

After his arrest was made public, more disastrous news about Santa came to light. Taking advantage of the timing with all the sex abuse scandals going on in Hollywood right now, many  of his former elf workers and prostitutes came forward about their history with Santa. “Every day Master Claus would just wake me up from bed and make me sit on his lap just to fondle his beard for hours on end. He would then set me up in a room in with a video camera and force me to make cookie baking videos. His weird fetish tormented me for years” said Brunelfa, one of Santa’s long time prostitutes. Santa’s sex workers weren’t the only ones to go through this kind of abuse. Many of his factory line workers have also shared similar stories about their abuse with Santa.

These serious revelations were enough to put Santa in the sex offenders list. The terms of being on this list gave all of his workers and prostitutes a lifetime restraining order against him as well as banning him from being in any building or house where there are children present. This means that he will no longer be able to operate his factory with his child elves nor be able to sneak into kids’ houses to drop presents. With no one to help make toys anymore, Santa, speaking from a video feed while in prison, has decided to officially cancel Christmas. “To all the great people of Earth, there will be no Christmas this year as I will not be able to employ my child elves or go into your houses anymore. While I can employ actual adults and another mall Santa to take my place and to work in my factory, all of them keep talking about nonsense like minimum wage, unions, vacations, and benefits. Since I don’t understand this urban slang, I’ve decided it’s not worth dealing with adults. So Christmas is a no go.”

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly