Administration must be accessible to my sexy body

Volume XLVIII Issue VII


Throughout my time on the banks, all I can remember is being on those motherfucking busses. It’s not that I’m a senior who still isn’t used to the busses or anything. Not that I couldn’t suck it up or transfer.

So, yeah. Busses suck massive cock. I mean massive. Like the cock I took last night. Oh my god did it gape my pussy holy shit. Did that feel nice or what? Anyway, busses are horrible, dining halls taste like shit, we ignore out faculty who apparently do not make enough money even though tuition keeps rising. And who should we blame for all this bullshit? The administration!

President Barchi has announced that he will no longer meet with students this semester and all my fellow students and I have to ask is, “Are we not enough to pleasure you anymore, Barchi?”

Barchi, you are the President. You are responsible of taking care of all of the student body, and you usually do such a good job of it. I mean, first you would do me Barchi. I was your favorite. Remember the way you would bite on my soft and tender breasts? Then work your way down and I would scream. Then, Joey from SEBS would come in and give you a little spanking for being such a bad boy. Yeah, you bad little boy. You take it like the bitch you are.

This school is so big, Barchi. Like, I understand if you didn’t want to meet with me as much, but none of us!? What about the issues? What about looking out for the faculty? What about my clit which hasn’t been rubbed in weeks?

Because of this, Rutgers is going to be defined as a school of separation of administration and the student body. It’s up to the administration to close this gap. And if that means we have to fuck the whole Board of Governors, then so be it.

Where in the World is BARCHI ?

Volume XLVIII Issue VII


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Kobane Hill, Syria – In this week’s adventure we are taken to the Turkish border where our hero, Robert Barchi, has joined in battling the evil clutches of ISIS. Armed with his bravery, Barchi charges into the heat of combat. With a puff of smoke from his cigarette, an explosion suddenly lets off. As smoke fills the air, it seems the Rutgers President has been thrown to the ground. However, Barchi is not deterred, for he knows that if he quits now, all hope is lost.

Just as the tobacco smoke escapes his lips, a devilish scream ripples through the air as a crazed terrorist comes from an alleyway, charging with a large dagger. For most, it would seem they had met their end with this madman. Unfortunately for this pawn however, Barchi is no normal man. Our hero’s swift reflexes get the best of his enemy as he quickly swivels out of the dagger’s reach. In return, Barchi flashes out his machete and slices at the throat of the mad­man. In an ironic twist, Robert Barchi beheads the ISIS combatant.

As the body slumps into the ground and the head rolls around with a bloody splatter, it seems Barchi’s courage has won the battle. Sun rays weave their way through the smoke of the battle, shin­ing upon our victorious champion. Placing his machete at his side once more, the triumphant Barchi lifts his rifle and wanders off into the circling dust, not one to stay in the spotlight longer than needed. Join us next time in “Where In The World Is Barchi?”


Volume XLVIII Issue IV


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Hey guys! Today I’m review­ing the new Super Smash Bros for the – wait this isn’t a video game. Okay, fine. Jeez, you people got seriously pissed at me for doing one video game review. Have it your way.

So this time I decided to re­view The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I just have to say, Benja­min Button is one of the most bor­ing, emotionless characters I have ever seen. Well, they gave him the nickname Bella in this movie, which I thought was weird at first, but shit, I’ll roll with. So, it looks like this movie was about how Ben or Bella or whatever had a serious boner for this an­drogynous-looking chick who was named Edward for some reason. You know what, points go to this movie for breaking gender stereotypes for giving the female lead a guy’s name.

Anyway, Edwardina is a vampire or something and Ben wants her to blow him—I mean…suck him off—I mean…suck his blood so he can be in­teresting and a vampire, too.

You know what, I can’t do it anymore. This movie is boring! I don’t care if some dude got his head ripped off! BEN IS SO FUCKING BORING! If you see this movie, I rec­ommend getting a lobotomy to forget what you just saw.

Girl Hoped to Respond After Fifth Unanswered Message

Volume XLVIII Issue VII


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NEW BRUNSWICK—Ryan Turk, a SAS junior, is very opti­mistic that his fifth unanswered Facebook message to a girl he met two weeks ago will finally net him a response.

“Hey wat u up to,” Turk messaged Jenna Latimer, a SEBS freshman, on Saturday at 11:53 P.M. Turk admitted his previous messages, ranging from “Hey ur in intro to comm right” on Friday, October 3 to his most re­cent one, have not been his best work.

“A lot of girls will respond with and at least say, ‘Yeah, why?’ or ‘Who are you?’ and then I can really get the conver­sation going, but Jenna’s been holding out,” he said. “And it’s a shame cause I’m totally into black girls like her.”

Sources close to Latimer said that she might “respond to get him off her back,” with an­other adding, “Who randomly messages a girl he’s never talked to from a 300-person lecture?” Turk was optimistic when he heard the reports but did not want to get his hopes up as he did last week when he mes­saged her “hey how ru” at 2:54 A.M. on October 10. “I figured she might have gone out and been up at the same time bored and trying to watch Netflix,” he said.

He cited the relatively early timing of his message on Satur­day coupled with his new profile picture from a recent highlighter party as a perfect combination for prompting a response.

“If she doesn’t answer this time, I’ll probably only message her once or twice more,” he said. “Plus, I’m texting this totally hot [J.P. Stephens High School] se­nior from back home anyway.”

RWJ Researchers Discover Dessert Stomach

Volume XLVIII Issue III


NEW BRUNSWICK—Research scientists at Robert Wood John­son have discovered the much theorized organ they call the “dessert stomach”.

Led by Doctors Gastreaux and Testinalé, the group pub­lished findings in the Anatomic Research Journal. “This sec­ond stomach has been hidden for years underneath the main stomach. No one ever noticed it before since all past research was performed on dead bodies. Rather than dissecting this time, we used advanced noninvasive imaging technology to observe the digestive system throughout a meal.”

When they initially set out on this venture, the research group sought an explanation of “how the tummy turns food to poo-poo”, an age long mystery. What they saw was entering via the esophagus and sitting.

This occurred when appe­tizers and entrees were eaten; there, they saw that they were slowly dissolved. But the stom­ach filled up. The subject was then asked what he’d like for dessert: pie or cake.

At this point in the video, a pouch below the full stomach inflated and traveled upward. As dessert was consumed, it was deposited directly into the sac.This pouch is described as the “dessert stomach”, the rea­son people don’t instinctively save room for dessert.

The research offers explana­tion of why I’ll still go for a rich slice of cheesecake even after I’m full. There is far reaching po­tential for this discovery and it shows off Rutgers’s status as a premier research institution.

Gastreaux’s group is ex­pected to continue this line of research and continue to grow its great influence on the field of gastronomy and anatomy. Such instances of great discovery highlight the advantage of Rut­gers’s recent acquisition of RWJ.

The scientists are still sift­ing through the video, but at the moment, they believe that doo­dy is made by magic when food reaches the rectum.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly