Volume XLVIII Issue VII
BY BOO BEE: NEWS EDITOR
PRINCETON—New research presented by Princeton University suggests that ethereal spirits may, in fact, live among us.
“Unlike the psychologists over at Rutgers, us real scientists have reaped years of data which proves that ghosts actually exist.” Dr. Rajnesh Kurian of the Physics Department reports.
Their location, Dr. Kurian went on to say, may come as a surprise to many. “Once we isolated the waves of the lingering souls, we found that basically…How can I phrase this delicately? They live in your ass.”
Dr. Kurian’s research team even isolated the likelihood of one’s colon being possessed by the dead. “There’s a .879 probability that there’s a ghost up your ass right now,” stated research assistant Lee Hung. “And that’s even higher if the asshole
has been widened somehow. In fact, if you’re gay or a porn star, you’ve probably got more than one spirit hanging out in there.”
But then, why isn’t everyone walking around like a palsied penguin what with an entire soul rammed up the behind? As Dr. Kurian goes on to explain, “Ghosts don’t always exist on this plane of reality. They are like Heisenberg’s cat in that they may or may not manifest them selves when you inspect your anal region. Of course, you’d know for sure if you had a live/dead cat in your ass! Anyway, it is only on rare occasion that they will flicker into full physical existence.
“On such an occasion, loud moaning or wailing will emit from between the cheeks. At that time, you should visit your medium – or better yet, a proctologist.”
There is currently no cure to ass-ghost, although several Catholic priests have already stepped forward to offer their services to as exorcists to any prepubescent boys who may host. If undiagnosed and untreated, a butt can transform into a full-blown limbo for the entire phantom population.