NEW RESEARCH DIVULGES SCIENCE “BEHIND” GHOSTS

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY BOO BEE: NEWS EDITOR

"TIME FOR SOME ECTOPLASM IN YOUR RECTO-PLASM" I have some serious reservations about the afterlife now.
“TIME FOR SOME ECTOPLASM IN YOUR RECTO-PLASM”
I have some serious reservations about the afterlife now.

PRINCETON—New research presented by Princeton Univer­sity suggests that ethereal spirits may, in fact, live among us.

“Unlike the psychologists over at Rutgers, us real scientists have reaped years of data which proves that ghosts actually ex­ist.” Dr. Rajnesh Kurian of the Physics Department reports.

Their location, Dr. Kurian went on to say, may come as a surprise to many. “Once we iso­lated the waves of the lingering souls, we found that basically…How can I phrase this delicate­ly? They live in your ass.”

Dr. Kurian’s research team even isolated the likelihood of one’s colon being possessed by the dead. “There’s a .879 prob­ability that there’s a ghost up your ass right now,” stated re­search assistant Lee Hung. “And that’s even higher if the asshole

has been widened somehow. In fact, if you’re gay or a porn star, you’ve probably got more than one spirit hanging out in there.”

But then, why isn’t every­one walking around like a pal­sied penguin what with an en­tire soul rammed up the behind? As Dr. Kurian goes on to explain, “Ghosts don’t always exist on this plane of reality. They are like Heisenberg’s cat in that they may or may not manifest them­ selves when you inspect your anal region. Of course, you’d know for sure if you had a live/dead cat in your ass! Anyway, it is only on rare occasion that they will flicker into full physical ex­istence.

“On such an occasion, loud moaning or wailing will emit from between the cheeks. At that time, you should visit your medium – or better yet, a proc­tologist.”

There is currently no cure to ass-ghost, although several Catholic priests have already stepped forward to offer their services to as exorcists to any prepubescent boys who may host. If undiagnosed and un­treated, a butt can transform into a full-blown limbo for the entire phantom population.

DYKE VAN STILL PARKED IN FRONT OF VAN DYCK

Volume XLVIII Issue VI

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR

"WHEN VAN'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME A-COCKIN'!" Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch?
“WHEN VAN’S A-ROCKIN’, DON’T COME A-COCKIN’!”
Ellen with Justin! Did she drop Portia for that new skank bitch?

NEW BRUNSWICK—Tuesday morning students and faculty quickly discovered that there was a random van parked in front of Van Dyck. RUPD quick­ly arrived on scene to properly ticket the van, but when they did they soon heard noises com­ing from the inside.

“We heard voices com­ing from inside. There was a little bit of giggling. So we knew there were a couple people in­side,” described Officer John Hamilton. Numerous attempts to communicate with the people inside failed miserably however, by looking into the windows, of­ficers were able to identify that there were three women inside. Officers quickly took preven­tive measures and blockaded the area of Voorhees Mall. Soon after, numerous students and faculty arrived to watch the de­velopments.

“What could they pos­sibly be doing in there? I hope they are staying safe,” cried one women from the crowd. “This is just terrible. They need to get those girls out of there,” and “Please excuse me…I’m just try­ing to get to my class,” were also heard from the crowd. Then in a shocking development, numer­ous feminist groups arrived on scene in support of the women inside the van.

“We are here to support these women in this obvious protest against male oppres­sion,” stated a member in the crowd which was followed by a “Yeah, fuck men!” response. As the crowd grew, many noticed that the van began to shake and rock. “Get them out of there! Somethings wrong! Oh my fuck­ing god!” many yelled before a quick moment of silence fell over which, “I bet they’re just fucking each other,” was heard from the crowd. Members of the feminist groups quickly rushed towards sophomore Ben Edwards, who had not made the comment but was the closest man to them, and started beating the fucking shit out of him. Police tried to rush to his defense but decided it was a lost cause.

As the beating was almost over, another silence came over the crowd to hear “Oh, Bridget, keep eating my pussy,” erupt from the van. As the feminist groups and the rest of the crowd heard this, many quickly dis­persed with their heads down.

At present time, the van is still parked outside Van Dyck, with RUPD taking shifts guard­ing it in male only shifts at night, while the fraternities which usu­ally situate themselves outside Brower Commons have vowed to watch over the van during the day.

Administration must be accessible to my sexy body

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY ALEXIS BRADY: TARGUM WRITER

Throughout my time on the banks, all I can remember is being on those motherfucking busses. It’s not that I’m a senior who still isn’t used to the busses or anything. Not that I couldn’t suck it up or transfer.

So, yeah. Busses suck massive cock. I mean massive. Like the cock I took last night. Oh my god did it gape my pussy holy shit. Did that feel nice or what? Anyway, busses are horrible, dining halls taste like shit, we ignore out faculty who apparently do not make enough money even though tuition keeps rising. And who should we blame for all this bullshit? The administration!

President Barchi has announced that he will no longer meet with students this semester and all my fellow students and I have to ask is, “Are we not enough to pleasure you anymore, Barchi?”

Barchi, you are the President. You are responsible of taking care of all of the student body, and you usually do such a good job of it. I mean, first you would do me Barchi. I was your favorite. Remember the way you would bite on my soft and tender breasts? Then work your way down and I would scream. Then, Joey from SEBS would come in and give you a little spanking for being such a bad boy. Yeah, you bad little boy. You take it like the bitch you are.

This school is so big, Barchi. Like, I understand if you didn’t want to meet with me as much, but none of us!? What about the issues? What about looking out for the faculty? What about my clit which hasn’t been rubbed in weeks?

Because of this, Rutgers is going to be defined as a school of separation of administration and the student body. It’s up to the administration to close this gap. And if that means we have to fuck the whole Board of Governors, then so be it.

Where in the World is BARCHI ?

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY THE BUS KID: T–SHIRT GUY

medium barchi map1

Kobane Hill, Syria – In this week’s adventure we are taken to the Turkish border where our hero, Robert Barchi, has joined in battling the evil clutches of ISIS. Armed with his bravery, Barchi charges into the heat of combat. With a puff of smoke from his cigarette, an explosion suddenly lets off. As smoke fills the air, it seems the Rutgers President has been thrown to the ground. However, Barchi is not deterred, for he knows that if he quits now, all hope is lost.

Just as the tobacco smoke escapes his lips, a devilish scream ripples through the air as a crazed terrorist comes from an alleyway, charging with a large dagger. For most, it would seem they had met their end with this madman. Unfortunately for this pawn however, Barchi is no normal man. Our hero’s swift reflexes get the best of his enemy as he quickly swivels out of the dagger’s reach. In return, Barchi flashes out his machete and slices at the throat of the mad­man. In an ironic twist, Robert Barchi beheads the ISIS combatant.

As the body slumps into the ground and the head rolls around with a bloody splatter, it seems Barchi’s courage has won the battle. Sun rays weave their way through the smoke of the battle, shin­ing upon our victorious champion. Placing his machete at his side once more, the triumphant Barchi lifts his rifle and wanders off into the circling dust, not one to stay in the spotlight longer than needed. Join us next time in “Where In The World Is Barchi?”

MOVIE REVIEW: BENJAMIN BUTTON

Volume XLVIII Issue IV

BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS: ARTS EDITOR

medium twilight

Hey guys! Today I’m review­ing the new Super Smash Bros for the – wait this isn’t a video game. Okay, fine. Jeez, you people got seriously pissed at me for doing one video game review. Have it your way.

So this time I decided to re­view The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I just have to say, Benja­min Button is one of the most bor­ing, emotionless characters I have ever seen. Well, they gave him the nickname Bella in this movie, which I thought was weird at first, but shit, I’ll roll with. So, it looks like this movie was about how Ben or Bella or whatever had a serious boner for this an­drogynous-looking chick who was named Edward for some reason. You know what, points go to this movie for breaking gender stereotypes for giving the female lead a guy’s name.

Anyway, Edwardina is a vampire or something and Ben wants her to blow him—I mean…suck him off—I mean…suck his blood so he can be in­teresting and a vampire, too.

You know what, I can’t do it anymore. This movie is boring! I don’t care if some dude got his head ripped off! BEN IS SO FUCKING BORING! If you see this movie, I rec­ommend getting a lobotomy to forget what you just saw.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly