Undergrads Attend Wrong AA Meeting on Busch

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY JON GALT: NEWS EDITOR

PISCATAWAY—Pooja Patel, cousin of the late Pooja Patel and Apartment Advisor, is on proba­tion for allowing all students under her supervision to engage in underage drinking. She faces dismissal from her post at Sil­vers Apartments on Busch and possible legal consequences.

Residence Life became aware of the situation when a sour, bilious smell enveloped Patel’s building and mounds of dried vomit were discovered. An investigation was performed over the course of the past month and a case was made that could potentially land Patel in jail.

As Res Life representative Nadia Holmes stated, “Miss Pa­tel distributed memorandums upon each door of her building, instructing residents to attend a ‘Meeting with your AA’ and promising pizzas and soda. Pa­tel neglected to specify the meet­ing’s location, but she did say the meeting began at 7:00 that Thursday evening.

“Unfortunately, Patel was late to her meeting since she had to buy and transport five Ger­landa’s pizzas, unassisted.”

Chad Lucas Robbins, a resident junior, provided com­ment. “We all figured to meet in the grassy area outside the front door. No one showed up. We waited until—like—7:03. I was ready to be outtie. My boy Ra­jah searched online for the meet­ing. ‘AA meeting Busch campus’ and came up with an address on Davidson Road. It was close enough to where we were, so we all went. We were surprised at where our phones took us—the basement of a church.”

At the meeting, the group of undergrads was welcomed as “a group of new, disappointingly young faces” and things then got real. Robbins noted, “Everyone was self-critical, but supportive. I’m a lot better equipped to ad­dress my compulsion for cun­nilingus and my unrelated neck issues.”

After eating some pizza and drinking from soda, the students went outside. A disheveled man, who had introduced himself as Toby, said he was distressed and needed a drink. The students of­fered him the leftover soda they retained. Toby declined and asked if anyone would be a pal and join him for a quick one at Kelly’s.

“Kelly is this really hot sophomore. I was really crush­ing on her hard last year and now that summer is over, I’m to­tally ready to bang her.” Robbins explained, “Of course I wanted to go!”

The students reportedly had a “Hella wild Thirsty Thursday” thereafter. Although they all re­turned to Busch safely, the night was evidently not through with them.

As one anonymous under­age sophomore reported, “We pretty much started vomiting on everything. It looked like Ke$ha’s hotel room when it was finally over. Minus the glitter.”

Patel rescheduled the meet­ing (with a location) after a week of eating nothing but cold pizza.

I think I deserve an apology

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY MARK SANCHEZ

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Dear all Jets fans,

How many years did I put up with all of your shit, and saying that you all hated me, wanted me dead, wanted me to get cut and be out of a job. And now look at you. Let me tell you, I was watching the Jets game before my game, you know with the 5-2 Eagles, and goddamn I wouldn’t even wish that shit on my worst enemy. The Bills? You lost to the fucking Bills. Let that sink in for a second.

Now I wasn’t going to say anything, but considering that I fucking hate you all so much I just couldn’t resist. I mean, we went to the playoffs twice when I was the quarterback, and I have a couple bad games, or bad seasons whatever, and an embarrassing fumble and you think some guy named Geno is going to come in and do better! This team sucks! At least you have some wide receivers who are good. I had Braylon Edwards! I know, “who’s that?” I even forgot, I had to look him up just to remember.

And then there’s Vick. Michael Vick. Yeah, him. The man who wanted to go to the Jets. He WANTED to come to the Jets. That just proves that the dude is fucked up. And look at me now, I’m getting paid to sit on the bench and now people are talking about me being signed to be a starter next year! Me! Imagine if I was still with the Jets putting up with all of your bullshit, yeah we would have won more games, but we would be destined for another 8-8 season, I’d be getting death threats, and people constantly making fun of my hair, and not even have a job next year.

Lastly, I would just like to publicly thank Rex for getting me injured last year. He saved my career so I didn’t have to keep playing for this team. Love ya, buddy.

Love, Marky Mark Sanchez

Rutgers in History: The Naming of Winkler Suites

Volume XLVIII Issue VIII

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR

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PISCATAWAY, NJ — The naming of Winker Suite on Busch Campus is a story not many know. It comes from the story of when The Fonz saved Busch Campus from utter destruction and total uncoolness. It was a brisk fall day in 1955 and it was a regular day where students went to class and then studied for Organic Chemistry.

Henry “The Fonz” Winkler stood standing in the Busch Student Center’s bathroom, which is still located by the back entrance near Gerlanda’s, helping everyday people with their everyday problems as he stood looking ever so cool with his amazing hair and slick leather jacket. Just then, the sound of a scream erupted from the Busch Suites. The Fonz quickly jumped on his motorcycle, which yes, was parked in the bathroom because fuck it, he was Fonzie.

He took off through the main part of the campus center before realizing that he was not on the set of the popular sitcom Happy Days, but rather he was in real life, and he was just Henry Winkler, and immediately screamed “Oh Holy Shit!” realizing he did not have a motorcycle license or any real riding ability and quickly jumped off. He crawled over into a corner and began the fetal position that would later be made famous in the hit movie Waterboy. As more calls for help rang from across campus Wikler remained in the fetal position, scared to move; scared to be the cool guy everyone thought he was. After 3 days, the calls for help continued and Winkler wondered, “Why the fuck isn’t anyone helping him?”

Just then he knew what he had to do. Winkler picked up his bike, put on his jacket and stepped on the gas to go do what The Fonz would do. And Winkler did just that, until he turned his bike too quickly and fell off and broke his leg. Winkler Suite was therefore named after Henry Winkler so he would not sue the school for damages. And in his honor every year, Winkler’s residents watch one episode of Happy Days so they can all see who their hero could have been.

Improbably Diverse Group Awaits University Brochure Photographers

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY MR. TOPELRONE: CONTRIBUTING WRITER

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NEW BRUNSWICK—A group of students consisting of some female and male members of each race represented on campus has reportedly been waiting “for a couple of weeks now” to be photographed in order to be put in the brochure for the upcoming semester.

They have been seen sitting in prominent spots on campus smiling at each other in silence for hours on end, perking up excitedly whenever somebody with a camera walks by.

“I don’t know how much longer we can keep this up,” said the group’s resident Latino male, adding, “these guys are fine, but really I just want to get the picture taking so I can show people, and go and make some actual friends.”

The group’s sole black member declared, “If this doesn’t happen soon, I might just give up and find some brothers. I mean, it’s not like a group like this would ever actually happen. We all just wanna see ourselves in there and then I’ll probably never talk to these guys again.”

The group was recently seen in downtown New Brunswick looking to buy a wheelchair for their new Indian male member. “I think this is the final step for us,” said White Guy #2. “Once we get this, I don’t see what else we could possibly do.”

Brower Food Hosts Alien Pathogens

Volume XLVIII Issue II

BY THAT GUY: CONTRIBUTING WRITER

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NEW BRUNSWICK— A recent report released by the NJ Department of Health has shown that the food in the Rutgers Brower Commons Dining Hall is infested with extraterrestrial pathogens. The microorganisms are suspected to have traveled to Earth millions of years ago via asteroid. Upon impacting onto the planet recently, they dispersed to various suitable conditions, such as nuclear waste facilities. The food at Brower, too, has been found toxic enough to be host to a diverse array of extraterrestrial pathogens.

Cryptozoology experts weighed in. “Generally, we’d expect these sorts of beings to survive in areas with low-level life forms”, a professor from SEBS told The Medium.

“Maybe we’d see them in West Virginia, but never here”.

Despite the initial shock reaction by members of the general public, few members of Rutgers Dining Services found this information as a surprise. Bubba Smith, a worker at Brower, told The Medium that he recalls numerous instances of troubles that the workers had with the food. He refused further questioning, and instead elected to teleport through the wall and back to his work post.

Concerns had been raised over the working conditions and safety for the employees at Brower Commons. But upon having the workers go government testing, it was found that the Brower employees could no longer be classified as homo sapiens.

Having mutated to the next stage in evolution, the workers had developed an array of exotic superpowers. Higher-level dining employees are already reaping the benefits. To save money on the electrical bill, for example, some of the Brower employees had elected to cook the food via telepathic mind-powers.

Some changes benefit the employees as well. In the past several months, Brower employees had reported being able to reproduce via spore transfer, thereby “Finally able to get ratio at a frat party”.

At times, the pathogens, already infused within the food would join together and form a colossal Brower-Food Monster. Many described the monster as a humanoid silhouette, roughly the same height as the College Avenue Gym and the girth of an Anime Club member.

The monster has often wreaked havoc and destruction through College Ave Campus and parts of New Brunswick. Then the monster traveled down Hamilton Street, though given the poor quality of the road beforehand, residents did not notice anything different. Thanks to the superpowers of the Brower employees, the monster is usually subdued.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly