BY SHANE CROMICK
Straight lives matter! Ever since the formation of LGBT movement, several extremist gangs have risen from these communities. Hetero-phobic hate crimes have been rampant in the Rutgers area, degrading the freedom of students simply because of their attraction to the opposite sex! As a straight man, I feel as if I am walking around with a giant target on my back, waiting to be attacked by these gay gangsters. I have no choice but to live my life as a closet heterosexual. Whenever I go out with my buddies to locations such as a gay bar or Hollister, I have to be fully conscious of my words and actions. Even Twitter has been trending with a new hastag, entitled
#StraitorsGetOut. This new terminology combines the words “straight” and “traitor” to create a powerful statement against the non-gays. I have been taunted with the new discriminatory lingo, I have been publicly humiliated, and I have even been tripped and pushed to the ground.
Just last week, straight men and women alike have stepped up and protested against this prejudicial hate. About 200 people walked the streets of New Brunswick demanding equal rights and treatment. The gay gangs were seen posting up on street corners and driving around the surrounding area. Halfway into the peaceful protest, a man and a woman were reported to be kissing each other, when an unknown suspect shot them. They were both rushed to the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, where they were pronounced dead upon arrival. The shooting resulted in mass rioting and looting. Almost everyone died!
Further investigation indicated that the man and woman were actually bi-sexual, resulting in the dropping of charges and hopefully even a possible peace treaty between the Homo and Hetero’s.
Pennsylvania — Over the past few months, a socially awkward college accidently accepted over 1000 students for its undergraduate program and doesn’t know how to let them know that actually they don’t really want them there. The college’s name is being withheld at this time out of pure shame.
“We weren’t looking for anything serious, maybe we gave off the wrong message. Now they’re moving in and we just don’t know what to do! We don’t want them to hate us. We still want to stay friends and keep them on our mailing list to spam them with graduate school brochures in four years. But for right now, it’s just moving too fast. It doesn’t feel right.”
The students and the college have only gone on one admission interview together, yet the accidental acceptances have shown up to the college with their tuition payments in hand. One even brought their puppy Rosco, a 5-year-old Daschund that hasn’t been neutered, but is really friendly and you’ll love him. The student neglected to tell the college that Rosco likes scratching up furniture, and might create a mess in the kitchen.
Unlike the college, the students are excited to start their new life with the college.
“Honestly, meeting [college name] has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Before we met, I was a lazy, good-for-nothing stoner who barely got Cs in high school. But once we met, something changed. I knew we were destined for each other! I cleaned up my act, became a straight-A student, and I feel better about myself too! If I didn’t get accepted, I don’t know what I’d do. Probably hold an intense grudge with them and do everything in my power to destroy their reputation until Satan himself draws the last breath from the cavernous bowels of my animosity towards them.”
The Rutgers University Admissions Office was approached by the college looking for advice on how to turn away applicants. Kendra Rayburn, the Dean of Admissions was pretty neutral in her response to them.
“Just break it off with them already. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. At this point, you’re just leading them on.” However, even with Rutgers’ advice, the college still seems reluctant to follow through with the break-up.
The college said, “We think we’re just going to ignore the problem until they go away in four years. “
BY Stephen A. Smiff
Chicago— Last Wednesday marked the annual McDonald’s All-American basketball game. The East defeated the West 111-91
Ronald McDonald Jr. earned the MVP award in this year’s game featuring young men preparing to expand their academic horizons with one quick year of easy classes before bolting to the NBA. McDonald Jr. is the son of the famous McDonald’s restaurant mascot and attends Oak Hill Academy, the top high school basketball team in the state of Virginia.
McDonald Jr. amazed scouts, leading all scorers with 29 points while adding 11 rebounds, six assists, three steals and four blocks all in 27 minutes of action.
“This is an amazing honor,” said the MVP, “but now I would like to bring some awareness to a major issue affecting tens of people nationwide: congenital face-makeupitis syndrome (CFMS). My father was lucky enough to find employment as a mascot, but others aren’t as lucky.”
McDonald Jr. has already committed to the University of Kentucky, and would be the first college basketball player with CFMS.
Some NBA scouts attended the game, and a few expressed concerns over his condition:
“I’m not sure who will want to play with someone with CFMS,” said Nets General Manager Billy King. “I mean look; he’s leaving marks everywhere. He’s leaving makeup on everyone he runs into. And when he falls he leaves streaks all over the court. They have to stop the game for like 10 minutes to clean it up.”
After the game, Ronald McDonald Sr. addressed the issue, calling for change:
“It’s time we start being treated like equals. No more being relegated to menial jobs as mascots, mimes or circus freaks. And no more being looked down upon. We are people, too!” said an emphatic McDonald Sr.
McDonald Jr. is sure to turn heads in college. Regardless of his condition, he is set to leave a mark on the game and on the court in Lexington Kentucky.
Wait; on second thought, it’s really not regardless of his condition.
1. New Jersey Institute of Technicalities
2. Eastern South Dakota University
3. University of San Diego of Alaska
4. Western North Dakota College
5. University of Such Little Fun that Maybe You Should Actually Stay Local and Go to the College in Your Damn Hometown
6. Bard’s College of Solitude
7. Robert Barchi’s College of Clock-Making
8. Rutgers University-Newark
9. Bob Jones University (real place, look it up)
10.Pencil Dick State
11.The Medium School of Fucking Up Formatting