Netflix is the Best Wingman

BY VICTOR JADE

guy1Here me out fellas. A lot of men have been asking me lately how do I do it, how does Vicky Jade get the ladies. So here I am, telling you the secret to my pull game, and that secret is that I don’t do shit. Netflix does it for me. Seriously, if you have Netflix and you are not getting a cute girl over AT LEAST once we a week, then either you are just not maximizing the full potential of one of the greatest assets in getting that pussy ever invented, or you are just god darn ugly (sorry bro).

Heck, I am feeling so generous I will even tell you guys some of my actual tactics to get a girl back in my room in a matter of minutes. Now first thing is first, you need to find a girl, so yeah this will actually require you to stop that marathon of Friends but I am telling you, it’ll be worth it, and you can just start up again (or not, but we will get into the selection process of what you two will be “viewing” later on). Once you stopped watching some Netflix, put some deodorant on and wash your face a bit and head out and the second you come across a decent looking girl, just literally shout out, “NETFLIX?!” This usually gets them; if not move on to the next girl. After talking about some random TV shows that are on Netflix, you two should be soon enough on your way back to your room.

Now as I was saying about the selection process, you need to make a decision before you even get to your room what you will be “watching,” even though let’s be honest, no one is going to be watching within five minutes. If you want a one time thing, pick a movie. That’s right, a movie. You have a definitive and upcoming end lasting around two hours, which gives you time to get your action going, but no time needed for all that extra cuddling, snuggling bullshit afterwards. But what if you found a keeper, someone who you could see being around with sometime, maybe even get married or something? Then pick a TV show. Why? Cause even after that twenty-five minute show is over, there is another one, and one after that. You could make it a weekly thing between you and her. By the time that series is over, you two will pretty much be boyfriend-girlfriend. Also, the exact show or movie does not really matter, except do not pick a horror movie if you are a scared little bitch who is gonna hide under the covers once there is a loud noise. Anyways, the only purpose that the whatever is on serves is background noise and an excuse to hangout. So probably do not pick your favorite show to watch because you will not be seeing much of it.

All good and done right? But here is my last piece of advice for you. No matter what the circumstances are, no matter how cute she is, no matter what she will reward you with, NEVER GIVE OUT YOUR NETFLIX ACCOUNT. The second you do that, it is game over man. You better safe guard that password with your life, or you will lose the power you once had, and Netflix will no longer be your best friend, but rather your worst enemy. Next time you decide to hang out with her, she will just tell you that she has another season of Gilmore Girls to watch. And so you will just be waiting in your room, crying to yourself about your blue balls as you finish one more episode of Friends and you watch your suggested feed get all fucked over. Well that’s all I have to offer to you guys,. Wish you best of luck in your attempts to get laid and hope that you catch and STD or something. Now I gotta go and watch

Oscars turn into FemiNazi Republic

BY Boxcutter

merylHOLLYWOOD, CA – The Oscars is a night of ritz and glamor for Hollywood’s best and whitest (or brightest), but Sunday evening, the Oscars served as a political platform for many. An ominous political force is spreading from the Dolby Theatre to the rest of America. Patricia Arquette, Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez staged a coup at the Oscars ceremony, wielding a small army of women with large guns. They call themselves the FemiNazi Republic.

Their manifesto states that if you want to see the Oscars next year, you must be for equal wages, support the right to abortion, and acknowledge the dominance of the Holy Mother, the new Republic’s mascot.

“We have fought for everybody else’s rights to dominate. It is time for women to dominate the world!” reads Patricia Arquette from her manifesto, Mein Vaginf.

“Yes! Yes!” yelled a wild Meryl Streep in response, pointing her hand in a Nazi salute.

The first request from the feminist occupiers concerned the shape of the Oscars.

“Women do not need men for sex. That’s why Oscars ought to be designed more functionally as a dildo. The current shape is not that pleasant,” said Streep, adding that her three Oscars are worn out.

This is only the first of many incoming demands that the FemiNazis promise to make, and the fear of a new state is spreading fast across the continent.

“Lock up your children, lock up your husband!” they exclaimed angrily before retreating to a private after hours female orgy. roblems,” said Andrea Tomitz, director of outreach for the CSA.

Some of their tabling activities include the writing in Moleskin dream journals, yoga workshops, and feel-good Alternative Breaks trips to developing countries.

Budget Cuts Force Men’s Ice Hockey Team to Practice on Local Sidewalks

BY Shreg Giano

ice
“Oh the weather outside is frightful!” Pictured here are the captains of the Rutgers Men’s Ice Hockey team looking particularly menacing as they skate down an icy sidewalk on Douglass en route to their practice.

Piscataway—Rutgers’ men’s Division-I hockey team could be the worst team the University fields in any sport. With a 3-24 record, not many would call the team a powerhouse squad. Perhaps more shocking is that Rutgers has fewer wins (3) than losses to Lebanon Valley College (4).

It comes as no surprise then that the squad is being hit with massive budget cuts that leave them without the funds to spend on renting time to practice at an indoor practice rink. But the resourceful coaches of the team have not let that misfortune lead to cancelled practices. Instead, the coaches have taken to running practices on the icy sidewalks populating Rutgers campuses.

According to head coach and general manager Andy Gojdycz, the major motivation for his bold move to outdoor practices was two-fold.

“The first motivator to do this was a logistical one. Rutgers clearly does not give much of a hoot about salting their sidewalks, so we knew we had a healthy area of thick ice for our guys to skate on,” Gojdycz explained.

“The second reason we’re doing this is publicity really. Maybe people will actually know we have a team after this.”

Gojdycz’s first reason makes plenty of sense, but his goal of gaining publicity from this stunt seems to be failing. Interviews with Rutgers students revealed that people do not even realize it is the hockey team that is skating by them around campus.

“That was the hockey team?” perplexed freshman Alex Rodgers asked. “There were like, 6 skinny dudes that could barely stay upright on a small stretch of ice. That’s our hockey team?”

Junior Allie Marshall was quoted as saying that “[she] thought that they were a bunch of twelve-year-old girls skating with their dads” when the team passed by her.
Despite their shortcomings so far, we have to expect that these practices will help out the team in the long run. As Coach Gojdycz put it: “Well, we certainly can’t get much worse, can we?”

Profiling students who aim to achieve the bare minimum

BY Horn Dog Morrison

Jackie, a twenty-year-old Art History Junior is this week’s student of the weak because of her ability to achieve academic normality without having to leave her room. She spends most of the weekdays in her room in pajamas and yet still maintains a 3.0 GPA.

“I have to thank Sakai. I am able to basically attend every lecture while streaming Netflix or eating chicken fingers. Sometimes I even pull up a picture of a professor on my iPad to look at while I go over the slides. I would have printed it out but then I would have to go the library. It helps a lot though.”

Jackie’s methods are quite common of most slackers. Everything is in reaching distance of her bed, she doesn’t own anything to cook with, she relies exclusively on delivery and her friends. Although Jackie doesn’t live by many rules the ones she does follow are definitely her own.

“Due today: do it today. That’s number one. I live every day one day at a time. Why focus on anything else?”

Jackie says that the only real thing she has studied is how to slack off.

“I have learned these very unique set of skills from years of studying other slackers. I have studied their techniques, practices, and theories. Without them I would be nothing. I would probably be a kid with a job, going to lecture, have a ton of clubs and friends to keep up with. Who wants all that?”

RUTGERS IN DIRE NEED OF LOCAL CELEBS

BY Ya Boii Ya Boii and Paulie Valentine

barchNEW BRUNSWICK – The Rutgers New Brunswick community of students has lost three of our popular members. Cape Girl, Segway Guy, and Mini Husky Guy. Each has moved on to a new stage of life.

“It’s a real loss,” says President Robert Barchi, “These three academically mediocre students gave our university a charisma that we fail to achieve from literally any sport.”
Cape Girl© instantly became a celebrity after she could not remove her cape from Halloween weekend after three straight days of being Dracula for Halloween. Cape Girl© revelled at the chance to be a Rutgers sensation and fancied being at the center of many conversations. Make that the butt of many conversations.

“Cape Girl© makes me laugh every time I see her,” said freshman Jon Reremy, “Seriously, what kind of noodle wears a cape at college?”

Cape Girl© became a pilot shortly after graduating early in the fall of 2014. She landed a job with Malaysian Airlines. She took her final flight aboard Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on March 8th, 2014. Cape Girl© was apparently not good at flying.
Segway Guy, was made legendary by his twice weekly 1:15pm ride down College Ave. No one knew much about his personal life.

“That segway never left his side” said his freshman year roommate. “He would even bring it into bed with him. He brought some girls home a couple of times, I wonder how they fucked? The handle bars were always moist.”

Segway Guy couldn’t handle being “fresh as fuck” sources say, so he drove his Segway i2 off the George Washington Bridge.

Mini Husky Guy, as The Medium reported early last year, was “Knee deep in pussy.” Once the story went viral, things escalated quickly. He could not stop the pussy that would step in. It kept getting deeper and wetter. He had to move out of his apartment because of massive flooding of vaginal secretions. In that great flood, the husky died.
“It’s a tragedy,” said Jenna Dean one of the original pussies, “it’s too much for anyone to handle.”

A week later Mini Husky Guy drowned in pussy .
A source inside the president’s office speaks of official actions being taken to recruit new members of the community to fill the void. The project is codenamed Project RUFreaky.

“We need to get more crazy,” says the source, “these students have a noble geeky hero quality to them. We need to find more literal crazy people. World Star Hip Hop crazy.”

If you have ideas for the Project RUFreaky, tweet @TheRutgersMedium with the hashtag #RUFreaky.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly