POOR GUY Even the meanest of The Medium staff can appreciate that Gary just needs to be left alone right now
POOR GUY Even the meanest of The Medium staff can appreciate that Gary just needs to be left alone right now


PISCATAWAY— Local satire publication, The Medium, decided to take the high road this week with their coverage of the Rutgers-Penn State game. After an extremely poor performance by Rutgers oft-criticized quarterback Gary Nova, many students were expecting the newspaper to be filled with joke after joke at Nova’s expense. But The Medium sports editor had other ideas.

“I don’t know man, it just seems like low-hanging fruit,” said the editor, adding that Nova “must feel like absolute garbage after once again blowing what could have been a program-building win, so it would be kinda messed up to augment his misery by pointing out that the loss and the resulting agony and pain felt by the entire student body and fan base rests solely on his shoulders.”

“Put yourself in Gary’s shoes. Your defense puts up a heroic effort against a nearby rival, your team outplays the opposition at every single position but yours, the fans of a program decimated by irrelevancy for decades finally have something to cheer about, and you single-handedly ruin all of it for everyone. It’s already bad enough for you. Now imagine a campus newspaper exploding with hilarious jokes about your name being Gary Nova and you having ‘5 TurNovas’, how you could have done just about ANYTHING other than throw 5 interceptions so that we could have won the damn game against Penn Fucking State and stuck it to those cultish assholes from Pennsylvania that always have a better program than we do and steal our recruits from right under us. How would you feel then?”

“You’d feel pretty bad, I imagine. So that’s why we here at The Medium are opting not to crush Nova’s spirit any further by writing stuff about how he is a senior who has tricked us into thinking he could one day blossom into a halfway-decent quarterback despite proving time and again he folds under pressure and never will lead our program to new heights that we maybe could have reached had we stuck with Tom Savage at quarterback the last few years.”  “To point that stuff out so soon after a tough game for Gary would just be wrong.”

Professor Considers Stand-Up Career


 professor stand-up

Dr. Amrit Patel, 67, is wellknown among both high scientific circles and the Rutgers student body. Every semester, he teaches Organic Chemistry II to about three- to four-hundred students. But Dr. Patel has recently debated whether to make a career switch.

“Every semester, since I started teaching the course, it’s always been the same,” says the Nobel Prize candidate, “I’d make a pun or a joke about chemical structures and at least half the class would laugh uproariously.”

The professor, with his notoriously difficult weekly quizzes and unforgiving curves, gives us a typical example of his class and all the mirth it brings. His day begins with office hours from 6:30-7:30 am, usually filled with eager students. “They’re always telling me stuff like, ‘You’re so funny, professor. Tell another joke!’ and, ‘Are you sure I failed this, can you check it again?’” Patel reminisces.

The class—or as Patel believes it is known, ‘Comedy Hour’—itself begins at 8:40 am. The Medium reports that although the students could be described as “tired,” “bored,” and “miserable,” much of the class indeed laughed every time Patel brought up a pun over Mercedes-Benzines or a seemingly inside joke. After class was over, many students would approach in order to laugh at more jokes and maybe see if he could adjust the curve a little bit.

Patel’s comedy success with the class has prompted him to attempt a new career as a stand-up comedian. “I’ve done this science stuff for too long,” he said with a wave of his hand, “it’s time for a change to something I truly excel at.” Dr. Patel will be performing this coming Wednesday afternoon at the New Brunswick Stress Factory. He described his routine as “educational, but of course, filled with funny scientific puns.” He is confident that a good portion of his class will attend. The Medium is prone to agree; Thursday is the day his students receive their exam grades.



"HELL ON EARTH, MAN" The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once.
“HELL ON EARTH, MAN” The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once.

WASHINGTON, DC — President Barack Obama recently ordered airstrikes on Iraq in retaliation for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. This US strike comes after a month-long barrage of rockets coming from across the border in Gaza. “Kim Jong Un has gone too far this time,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “The United States cannot sit idly and watch ISIS behead Robin Williams.”

Following the US attack, Hamas began targeting civilian aircraft. One such plane, Malaysian Flight MH-666, was shot down over Ferguson, MO. Comedienne Joan Rivers, a passenger on board the airplane, was pronounced dead on impact. In response to the terror attack, a Ferguson police officer fatally shot Ray Rice’s fiancé. Since the incident, the Westboro Baptist Church has been rioting in Ferguson demanding that former IRS Director of Exempt Organizations Lois Lerner turn over e-mails containing nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female celebrities.

The attacks led to a string of bad PR following the defeat of Lionel Messi’s Argentina in the first Big Ten game. Point guard Gary “TurNova” was reportedly seen in the dining hall after the game using an iPhone 6 Plus in lieu of a tray. Reports have claimed that, having no shot at an NFL career, TurNova will be joining the Italian State terrorist group.

In a completely unrelated incident, I heard you lost your Aunt this summer. I’m really sorry to hear that. She’s in a better place now. If you need someone to talk to just reach out.

Long Island Rail Road workers went on strike as a show of solidarity with the victims of the Iron Dome attack. A 12 day marathon of the popular cartoon “The Simpsons” was dedicated in memory of the late Michael Brown, who died of Ebola while doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. Michael Stipe was reported to have said “It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly