Call them heroes. Call them vigilantes. Hell, call them the next Batmen.
Just don’t call them crooks!
In light of the recent misinformation on my football stars, I have taken it upon myself to clear up some misinformation regarding the so-called robberies. Does Aquaman wear a mask? Has Spiderman ever broken into a house? Has Superman ever held a gun to a man’s head and threatened him with his life if he didn’t immediately hand over all of his money and recreational drugs?
OF COURSE THEY HAVE!
My football players heroically charged into one of these evil-doers houses, performed an ocular assessment on the ne’er-do-wells, neutralized the threats, and commandeered their money and drugs to later destroy with their laser-beam eyes and frozen breath. Who knows what those nefarious villains would have done with all those drugs? Create a mind-control ray? Enslave a foreign country? Build the Death Star? I’m no scientist, but yes; they would have.
And after these five players literally fought numerous villains and saved our planet hundreds, if not dozens, of times; this is how we repay them? It’s now time for us to save our heroes and bring justice to the real super villain: The Green Ganja
NEW BRUNSWICK- Thousands of students have started the fall semester, already bitterly disappointed to learn that there aren’t any trays in Brower Commons. Local sources report that the trays have been on strike, demanding higher living wages.
“We’re fighting for 15,” said Tray Rice, a Rutgers alumnus himself, who is currently a Brower tray. “It’s total fucking bullshit. I spent four years here working on my human resources degree, and the only place that would hire me after graduation was Brower. Can you believe that? Anyways, we’re tired of carrying around shit food for a bunch of ungrateful assholes. $7.85 or whatever bullshit we get paid an hour hardly even pays the bills.”
Brower commons has even attempted to accommodate the trays’ demands. However, while the working conditions have improved, the trays are still unhappy, and demanding higher wages. “I don’t like the new conveyor belts. I wish they had put in some sort of elevator cleaning system instead,” Tray Rice told us. “Getting rid of those nasty torture-chamber cabinet things is a good start, but it’s not enough. We need $15 an hour. Do you know what it’s like to have an entire salt shaker just dumped on your face for no reason? Like twice a day that happens to me, and it’s not worth a wage that can’t support my seven children.”
When confronted about the wages, Brower Commons’ manager and avid collector of McCain ’08 bumper stickers, Richard ‘Dick’ Johnson had strong criticisms. “These dumbass liberal trays pay thousands and thousands of dollars for a worthless degree, and then just expect to be paid a proper living wage straight out of college. They just don’t understand the economics.”
“We’ve even put in one of those fancy conveyor belts like all the other dining halls. They just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Now we’ve got one too, and our trays still won’t come back to work,” Johnson said.
Tray Rice admits that he has no plans to return to work in the near future, leaving Johnson in a tough situation. “At least there’s a bright side to all this. No matter what happens with the trays, in the meantime the students are furious. At the end of the day, that’s all we care about here at Brower.”
NEW BRUNSWICK- With students fresh out of high school and a University with a fresh, new tuition hike, the students of the Class of 2019 are fired up to spend the next four years at an institution that will ignore all of their concerns. In a long-standing tradition of providing young scholars with several obstacles to a healthy education, Rutgers Board of Governors has planned new projects and set new goals taking the student experience into great inconsideration.
Move-In Day proved to be the first taste of what the life of a Scarlet Knight can be like. With many high class student residences being inaccessible until senior year, many students will enjoy concrete-walled dorms, equipped with a complete dearth of amenities.
“We understand that to be a great student, you need a comfortable living space,” said Gregory Tinsely, director of Housing Development for the University. “We understand that, but don’t really care. That’s why we have the majority of our students stay in dorms with no air conditioning and wall apparently so thin, you can hear people bang three doors down. And here’s the icing on the cake; we make absolutely sure that traffic is handled in the laziest method possible on Move In Day, just so students make sure that we ignored every one of their concerns. Don’t like it? Live off-campus. Try it, I dare you.”
Rutgers’ painstaking indifference has reached our new student athletes, as well. New red shirted freshman kicker, Henry Brett, has many things to say since he joined the football team. “It’s great! I don’t have to learn shit, since Coach Flood just has to wink at some stupid [professor] if I get an F and I’m off the hook. Not studying is a great benefit I get for being an exploited collegiate athlete.
Of course, the students of the newly founded Honors College were also quick to express their enthusiasm for their new school.
“I think I’m going to have a great time here,” said Kara Mettler, a freshman living in the new honors dorms. “These new dorms are surrounded by construction, making it exceptionally difficult to enjoy the outdoors or sleep in past seven. Which I guess is good, since I should be studying, always.” Mettler graduated with high marks and honors from her in-state high school, and her decision to attend Rutgers was fueled by its growing reputation. “All my professors are completely apathetic about my education, and most made it crystal clear that their sole aim is research. It’s just like an Ivy League School! My parents will be so happy to hear that.”
PISCATAWAY—Pooja Patel, cousin of the late Pooja Patel and Apartment Advisor, is on probation for allowing all students under her supervision to engage in underage drinking. She faces dismissal from her post at Silvers Apartments on Busch and possible legal consequences.
Residence Life became aware of the situation when a sour, bilious smell enveloped Patel’s building and mounds of dried vomit were discovered. An investigation was performed over the course of the past month and a case was made that could potentially land Patel in jail.
As Res Life representative Nadia Holmes stated, “Miss Patel distributed memorandums upon each door of her building, instructing residents to attend a ‘Meeting with your AA’ and promising pizzas and soda. Patel neglected to specify the meeting’s location, but she did say the meeting began at 7:00 that Thursday evening.
“Unfortunately, Patel was late to her meeting since she had to buy and transport five Gerlanda’s pizzas, unassisted.”
Chad Lucas Robbins, a resident junior, provided comment. “We all figured to meet in the grassy area outside the front door. No one showed up. We waited until—like—7:03. I was ready to be outtie. My boy Rajah searched online for the meeting. ‘AA meeting Busch campus’ and came up with an address on Davidson Road. It was close enough to where we were, so we all went. We were surprised at where our phones took us—the basement of a church.”
At the meeting, the group of undergrads was welcomed as “a group of new, disappointingly young faces” and things then got real. Robbins noted, “Everyone was self-critical, but supportive. I’m a lot better equipped to address my compulsion for cunnilingus and my unrelated neck issues.”
After eating some pizza and drinking from soda, the students went outside. A disheveled man, who had introduced himself as Toby, said he was distressed and needed a drink. The students offered him the leftover soda they retained. Toby declined and asked if anyone would be a pal and join him for a quick one at Kelly’s.
“Kelly is this really hot sophomore. I was really crushing on her hard last year and now that summer is over, I’m totally ready to bang her.” Robbins explained, ” Of course I wanted to go!”
The students reportedly had a “Hella wild Thirsty Thursday” thereafter. Although they all returned to Busch safely, the night was evidently not through with them.
As one anonymous underage sophomore reported, “We pretty much started vomiting on everything. It looked like Ke$ha’s hotel room when it was finally over. Minus the glitter.”
Patel rescheduled the meeting (with a location) after a week of eating nothing but cold pizza.
NEW BRUNSWICK—Early Monday morning, seeing-eye puppy-raiser Stacy Holand was on her way to class at Hickman Hall as tragedy struck when Lionel, her three-week-old Chocolate Lab puppy, relieved himself on an F bus on its way to the Henderson bus stop.
Lionel, who is reported to be “very cute and petable”—at least, before he opened his anal glands—had not “done his business” since mid-afternoon Sunday, which should have signaled to his owner that his ass had become a ticking time bomb.
“Well, he had a late breakfast (Sunday), so I wasn’t too surprised. But I woke up late and…you know how it is…” continued Holand, as she tried to excuse herself for why she blatantly neglected to take care of her canine ward.
A study done by the Proctologist Organization of Oregon, an association with expertise on all things butt, has found that the average dog likes to shit once every 13.5 hours and that they take great pride in doing so in public places. “That is why most dogs are okay with getting trained to shit outside. They like to show off their ‘work’ to the whole world,” explained POO chairman Ed Middleton.
However, Lionel had been keeping his shit inside, stewing, bubbling, and ready to fly out from his asshole for almost twenty hours at that time, making his intestines like a pressure cooker ready to explode.
The occurrence happened at approximately 9:35 a.m. as Lionel started to make some cute but concerning light whimpers to which many people on the bus responded to with eye contact with the small animal and a cohesive “aww”. It was then reported that as the bus started to shake and shudder, Lionel excreted two giant pieces of fecal matter totalling nine inches in length. (It should be noted that Lionel recently switched to dry dog food.) Subsequently, Lionel projected the rest of his shit onto the boots of the two female students nearby who called Lionel a “good girl” even though he clearly has a penis.
“It only got worse from there. It was just everywhere,” explained Holand . She quickly ran over to Lionel to pick him off the ground so he wouldn’t get any of his poo on himself.
“I had to take him to class; he couldn’t smell like shit,” claimed Holand as she showed a disregard to everyone present who had now had to soak up the foul odor of fresh dung in their nostrils. Shrieks of “Eeeww,” “Oh my god,” and “Yo, check that shit out,” rang through the bus before it finally stopped at Henderson.
The bus driver did not appear amused. “I gotta call for another bus and go out of service. I’ll take it to the depot, but I’m not cleaning this up. That’s for damn sure,” he yelled, as he knew he probably would now have to scrub down the whole bus’s interior all because a little puppy had to drop a deuce.
Meanwhile, Lionel watched on without a care in the world, proud of what he had done. At press time, Lionel was sitting with Holand in class, licking his penis because it feels really good.