Category Archives: Volume LV Issue V

Americans Upset There Won’t be Miracle on Ice Part 2 This Olympics

By Ivan Yakinoff
Sleepless

PYEONGCHANG— As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close in their final week, Americans are visibly distraught at the fact that Russia is not at this year’s Olympics. As many already know, the entire Russian team was banned from the Winter Olympics this
year due to a massive state sponsored doping program that would make Jose Canseco jealous. Many of Russia’s biggest Olympic rivals such as sobriety and wild bears rejoiced at this news but Americans took it personally because they still won’t get the sequel to the original Miracle on Ice.

The original, which occurred at the height of the Cold War in 1980, made Americans care about hockey for the first time in their nation’s history. The event gave us both the greatest moment in American sports history as well as a kick ass movie.

Seeing the modern political tension with Putin and Russia, many Americans believed this would be the perfect time for the miracle to happen again.

“Miracle was an amazing movie. I’ve been waiting ages for a sequel, but noooo, Russia just had take athletic advice from Lance Armstrong” said local movie critic Roger Baker.

Although the Russian Olympic team is just disguised as the OAR team, Americans won’t accept that because it wouldn’t give the sequel a genuine feel. With the great new Black Panther movie coming out, this adds an extra layer of sadness for hockey fans because they won’t have a new white accomplishment to trump black people this year.

This disappointment wasn’t just exclusive to America either. Many of Russia’s biggest sponsors, such as Adidas tracksuits and HD car dash cams are reporting record losses due to Russia’s ban.

This year was the 1 in every 4 that makes Americans acknowledge hockey exists. But in typical American fashion, No one knew we lost to the make-up Russian team 4-0 already.

College Recipe Guide: Pot Brownies

Step 1: Turn yourself in to the police for trying to get high, you fucking reefer head.
Step 2: Post bail.
Step 3: Get a lawyer.
Step 4: Let your parents know you’re sorry for being a giant disappointment.
Step 5: Pray for forgiveness in the eyes of whatever deity you choose.
Step 6: Bake your disgraced parents a tray of brownies by buying a box ready to make mix and following the simple instructions on the back.
Step 7: Plead guilty in a court of law for whatever charges you face.
Step 8: Leave behind your partner and infant child to spend 30 years behind bars in the state prison.
Step 9: Probably get shanked and die on your fourth day in for following the advice “first off, hit the biggest guy you see”, idiot.

Professor, My Name is Not Colleen

Not by Colleen

Ok Professor, I get that it’s only the third week of school, but my name is not Colleen. If you didn’t take attendance every day and make us do a humiliating ice breaker the first day of class where we had to
share our childhood nicknames, I may have looked past this. But here we are, in a fifteen-person seminar on Victorian literature discussing the role of women in this time and I can’t help but find it a little ironic. I am literally the only girl in this class and your actions are leading me to believe that you haven’t applied what we talk about to your actual life.

Signed,
Caroline

Actually Coherent Movie Review: Stuart Little 2

Sixteen years later, the reviews are in. The second installment of America’s favorite clothed mouse trilogy is a blatant Hercules ripoff that still managed to amass 30 Oscars and an 81% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. This exquisitely cast, concise, and all-around enjoyable film introduces the viewer to a terrifying universe in which mice with the
clothes and familial roles of an eleven-year-old kid can assume the full responsibilities of a driver’s license. At first glance, the Little family’s life seems almost idyllic; they all wear orange and live across the street from Central Park. After glancing a couple more times, however, Stuart’s world becomes darker. The film raises, and fails to address, several questions with dire implications for this bizarre universe. Most pressingly, does Stuart Little go to the doctor or the vet? He’s treated as the Little family’s son, and one gets the sense that his caring parents do everything in their power to make Stuart feel like a normal kid. He plays rec soccer, goes to middle school, and has a tiny red car. It’s hard to say if Stuart even knows he is a mouse—this seemingly obvious trait is never acknowledged by anyone. But how far can this illusion go? Normal doctors don’t really know how to treat mice, and at a certain point the need for lifesaving medical care might outweigh maintaining the façade of a human childhood. Alternatively, does the vet take human family health insurance, or are the Little parents just hoping Stuart will never question why his doctor’s appointments are paid for by pet insurance?

An additional concern raised by a mouse-sized mouse living in a human-sized child’s world is the constant risk of death that follows Stuart wherever he goes. Stairs are like the size of a three-story building if you’re a mouse, and you can bet those things are everywhere. You know what else is everywhere in a large metropolitan area? People with shoes and feet. Taxis. Strong winds. A young mouse-boy faces danger at every turn, yet we’re supposed to think that his mom is acting overprotective. Along with all these normal, size-related dangers, Stuart becomes a target of the bird mafia, which consists of his conflicted maybe-girlfriend (whose name is Margalo for some reason, voiced by the excellent Melanie Griffith,) and her boss, presumably the only falcon in the region, named Falcon.

There’s a lot to unpack in this movie, despite its modest 88-minute runtime. In addition to a star-studded cast, the mark of high-profile influences can definitely be seen in director Rob Minkoff’s stylistic choices. And it is stylish— scenes are

set with all the colors and precision of a Wes Anderson film, although the accompanying cinematography leaves some-
thing to be desired. An action-packed scene in which things happen at the top of a tall building, in a definite nod to Hitchcock’s Vertigo, makes up the climax of the film. All in all, Stuart Little 2 was a fun-filled interspecies rom-com with only one continuity error and only a few more disturbing implications. Words can only do so much to describe it—our best recommendation is to get out to the theater and see it for yourself. 8/10

Accordion Folder Makes Surprise Appearance on Campus

By Nifty Knitter
Shame on a Knitta

NEW BRUNSWICK — We all remember middle school days filled with locker chandeliers, horizontal keyboard texting phones and developing weird feelings for our teachers. As the whisper of puberty tickled our armpits with hair and genitals with new sensitivities, we were starting to learn how to live in the world as young adults. From shaving to menstruation to braces, there was a lot for a young middle schooler to deal with and they had to do their best to stay organized. That’s why the accordion file folder rose to such tremendous popularity at the time. Between crushes and school dances and algebra, there was a lot to juggle and not everything could be handled properly. But at least you didn’t have to worry about Mrs. Kravitz’s poetry assignment getting mixed up with Mr. Gordon’s chemistry worksheet, thanks to the accordion file folder.

This innovation was one of the few times that you could neatly compartmentalize your stressful life as a middle school student. However, with the passing of time, the accordion file folder fell out of style and in high school, you were dependent on binders and notebooks and haphazardly tossing papers straight into your backpack. By the time you got to college, the accordion file folder was a distant memory. Unless you’re Maxwell Simmons, freshman Philosophy major.

In Phil 101, he nonchalantly pulled out a red and clear accordion file folder to the gasps of his classmate. “I haven’t seen one of those since I first learned how babies are made!” exclaimed Katie Bryant, fellow freshman Philosophy major. “I didn’t even know those still existed,” chimed in Roger Hugh, Philosophy professor. Maxwell unwittingly caused a huge disruption to class that dismantled the rest of the discussion on ethics of abortion. “I knew coming to college would be a big change, so I just wanted to bring something that would comfort me and help me stay organized,” he explained. The rest of the class is still trying to figure out how Maxwell acquired said relic.

Re-opening of Starbucks Attracts Unusual Customers

By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday was greeted by a grand re-opening of the Starbucks located at The Yard. Many have long awaited the opening as they had to resort to Panera for their regular dose of coffee. Some of you may be wondering why the Starbucks closed down in the first place. It turns out that Starbucks has a diversity quota to fill for their customers and they weren’t receiving enough support from the black community.

With the recent release of Black Panther and the overwhelming support it received, Starbucks decided it was the right moment to
make a comeback at the prime real estate location that is the Scott
Hall bus stop. This combined with the added bonus of it being black
history month would surely allow for the coffee shop to meet their
ever so daunting diversity quota.

Once the store opened, tons of customers flooded the shop with many old and some new faces. We spoke with the manager about how he thought business was going and he had this to say. “Business has been booming my dude! It definitely looks like we’ll be hitting our diversity goals this year which is great because I’m still on probation with corporate for racy comments and this will surely make me look great! Man, the blacks sure do love their coffee! I might just get a raise out of this!”

The manager could barely contain his excitement. We’re unsure how long this increased traffic towards the coffee shop will last but if one thing is for sure, it looks like it will be staying open for a long time.