By Ivan Yakinoff
MINNEAPOLIS— As our country’s greatest unofficial national holiday approaches, Gatorade is set to introduce a new revolutionary product that will change urinating in public forever. Realizing the problem that arises when football players have to take a leak during the biggest game of the season, Gatorade will be revealing new on field buckets that can be used for fulfilling your thirst as well as taking a leak.
The buckets will have 2 compartments, one for the juice and the other for the pee. Instead of having to wait and hold it in, wait for halftime or the game to finish, players can now go straight to the sideline and relieve themselves on the spot.
The news of these buckets has been met with nothing but absolute praise from the NFL. “After all this time, I can finally become a big boy and take off my adult diapers!” said Lane Johnson, Eagles offensive tackle who claims he kept wetting his bed even after he got drafted.
While these new buckets will help players from missing important game time, most of the concerns about the product are coming from sheltering soccer moms who don’t wan’t grown men urinating in plain
sight where their children can see.
“I didn’t pay thousands of dollars for my kids to possibly see a grown man whip it out and take a piss. This game, corrupting the minds of our young ones can go straight to hell!” said Martha O’Reilly, who mainly spends her time complaining to retail and fast food managers.
While Gatorade and the NFL have insisted that these buckets will be controlled and won’t be accidently dumped on the winning coach, Vegas is making sure to cover all the bases. Along with the usual colors gamblers can bet on for the Gatorade shower like red, orange, green, and blue, bookies will be offering a new pee color for this year. Gamblers have took notice and are now hoping Bill Belichick or Doug Pederson will get the greatest golden shower of their life.