Category Archives: Volume LV Issue II

Gatorade to Introduce New Multipurpose Urinal Buckets for Super Bowl

By Ivan Yakinoff
Procrasturbating

MINNEAPOLIS— As our country’s greatest unofficial national holiday approaches, Gatorade is set to introduce a new revolutionary product that will change urinating in public forever. Realizing the problem that arises when football players have to take a leak during the biggest game of the season, Gatorade will be revealing new on field buckets that can be used for fulfilling your thirst as well as taking a leak.

The buckets will have 2 compartments, one for the juice and the other for the pee. Instead of having to wait and hold it in, wait for halftime or the game to finish, players can now go straight to the sideline and relieve themselves on the spot.

The news of these buckets has been met with nothing but absolute praise from the NFL. “After all this time, I can finally become a big boy and take off my adult diapers!” said Lane Johnson, Eagles offensive tackle who claims he kept wetting his bed even after he got drafted.

While these new buckets will help players from missing important game time, most of the concerns about the product are coming from sheltering soccer moms who don’t wan’t grown men urinating in plain
sight where their children can see.

“I didn’t pay thousands of dollars for my kids to possibly see a grown man whip it out and take a piss. This game, corrupting the minds of our young ones can go straight to hell!” said Martha O’Reilly, who mainly spends her time complaining to retail and fast food managers.

While Gatorade and the NFL have insisted that these buckets will be controlled and won’t be accidently dumped on the winning coach, Vegas is making sure to cover all the bases. Along with the usual colors gamblers can bet on for the Gatorade shower like red, orange, green, and blue, bookies will be offering a new pee color for this year. Gamblers have took notice and are now hoping Bill Belichick or Doug Pederson will get the greatest golden shower of their life.

Stop Interfering with Natural Selection

By Throb Lowe

I don’t care if people are eating tide pods. I don’t want to keep hearing about it. Almost every day I see an artilce on Facebook or Twitter
or something about how more and more people are doing it. Did you catch the key word there? If you missed it, it was people. Not kids.
This isn’t just about keeping kids from getting into chemicals, this is about legal adults who are eligible to vote voluntarily comsuming
fucking laundry detergent. Why are we spending time on this? News Flash: dumb people do dumb shit. We should be letting people
eat these things! If an adult is dumb enough to eat a tide pod for likes on instagram, maybe we should just let those people do it. Look,
evolution will always find a way to progress, and that includes the dying off of the weaker competitors. You’ve heard of survival of the
fittest right? Eating tide pods definitely disqualifies an individual from being included in “the fittest”. I’m not saying we don’t try to prevent it. Slap a big red label on the package thay says DO NOT EAT and move on with your day. But stop talking about it. Stop making commercials telling me not to eat my laundry detergent. I know not to do that. And if that’s not common sense to someone, well… it’s a jungle out there

Headphones are not a Neck Accessory

By Alison Gomez

Dear everyone, including this one kid in my club: Headphones,
especially the over-the-ear kind, are not meant to be neck accessories. They have one purpose and that is to transmit sound waves from your electronic device to your inner ears. They have no aesthetic value whatsoever and should not be treated as a necklace, collar, neck warmer, choker, scarf, tie or anything else. You just look foolish. More than that, think about the strain on your neck due to the weight of the headphones. Plus, you might not know this, but .05% of all accidental deaths in the United States each year is caused by accidental strangulation due to cords around necks. That could be you if you’re not careful. As you can see, the risks involved with wearing headphones around your neck are high, if not in diminishing your self-esteem, actually putting your life in jeopardy.

Trump Spends State of the Union Address Talking About how he Doesn’t Look Like Dr. Robotnik

Last night was Trump’s State of the Union Address, in which he spent the entire time discussing the fact that he doesn’t look anything like Dr. Robotnik. No one is quite sure what prompted him to completely subvert the speech, meant to inform the public of the proceedings and current events of the federal government, in order to assure everyone that he bears no resemblance to the Sonic game series antagonist. Although he clearly doesn’t, many reporters left thinking that maybe he did look like him just a little bit.

Student Forms Emotionally Satisfying Relationship with TA After Semester Ends

By Walter Cronkite JR.
Doesn’t Know What to do With his Hands

PISCATAWAY.— Junior computer science major Amanda Friedman pointlessly fell in love with her Philosophy 101 teaching assistant after the class ended. Friedman stupidly approached her TA, Ben Wilder, at a bar two weeks after the class ended, and then carelessly
started a relationship with him even though she could no longer take advantage of their relationship for a high grade in class.

“I totally fucked this up,” said Friedman, 21, who just passed philosophy with a 71 percent. “I was supposed to fuck him for an A in the class, not build a lasting relationship with him like a month later that satisfies both of us physically and emotionally.” Friedman, who took philosophy to satisfy a writing requirement, has been dating Wilder, 24, without an ulterior motive since the end of December.