BY Stephen A. Smiff
PISCATAWAY—In preparation for this Saturday’s inevitable blowout loss against fourth-ranked Michigan, the Rutgers University athletic department is readying manikins to fill a soon-to-be empty High Point Solutions stadium.
The Scarlet Knights are home underdogs, projected to lose by 28 points. Student morale is already low enough, after the University shut down The Alley, a student-only tailgating lot, two weeks after its inception.
“We certainly know the drunken student section won’t want to hang around for the second half after Rutgers is down 28-3,” said Athletic Director Pat Hobbs. “And the paying fans aren’t probably going to stick around long either. This game is going to be on national television, so once every leaves, the stadium can’t look empty.”
The game is scheduled for 7 p.m. and is to be aired on ESPN2.
The University is reportedly prepping and storing the dummies in a warehouse two miles outside the Livingston campus.
The athletic department reportedly hired 60 work-study students for the 30,000-plus-manikin project.
“It’s pretty weird to be honest,” said junior Camilla Hill, who is one of the work-study students. “I think the people in the department raided a crash test dummy warehouse, and now they’re making us put Rutgers t-shirts and hats on them. I don’t understand why they’re doing this. Anyone with eyes will be able to tell these aren’t people. I mean look; it’s a fucking crash test dummy.”
According to multiple reports, Rutgers will use these dummies for any future games that will almost definitely end in a blowout loss.
The men’s basketball team is apparently excited to bring these dummies into the RAC, as they perennially fail to draw sizeable crowds, especially after going 7-25 last season.