Category Archives: Volume LII Issue IV

Athletic Department Readying Dummies to Fill Stadium for Michigan Game

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Hardly Working

PISCATAWAY—In preparation for this Saturday’s inevitable blowout loss against fourth-ranked Michigan, the Rutgers University athletic department is readying manikins to fill a soon-to-be empty High Point Solutions stadium.

The Scarlet Knights are home underdogs, projected to lose by 28 points. Student morale is already low enough, after the University shut down The Alley, a student-only tailgating lot, two weeks after its inception.

“We certainly know the drunken student section won’t want to hang around for the second half after Rutgers is down 28-3,” said Athletic Director Pat Hobbs. “And the paying fans aren’t probably going to stick around long either. This game is going to be on national television, so once every leaves, the stadium can’t look empty.”optimism.png

The game is scheduled for 7 p.m. and is to be aired on ESPN2.

The University is reportedly prepping and storing the dummies in a warehouse two miles outside the Livingston campus.

The athletic department reportedly hired 60 work-study students for the 30,000-plus-manikin project.

“It’s pretty weird to be honest,” said junior Camilla Hill, who is one of the work-study students. “I think the people in the department raided a crash test dummy warehouse, and now they’re making us put Rutgers t-shirts and hats on them. I don’t understand why they’re doing this. Anyone with eyes will be able to tell these aren’t people. I mean look; it’s a fucking crash test dummy.”

According to multiple reports, Rutgers will use these dummies for any future games that will almost definitely end in a blowout loss.

The men’s basketball team is apparently excited to bring these dummies into the RAC, as they perennially fail to draw sizeable crowds, especially after going 7-25 last season.

Gary Nova, Where Is He Now?

BY Not Gary Nova
Recently tired

PISCATAWAY—Saturday’s performance against the Ohio State Buckeyes had a couple of students reminiscing about our previous quarterback, Gary Nova.

This led to The Medium reporters wondering what ye old-unfaithful is up to now that he doesn’t have to spend his time crushing our hopes and dreams while simultaneously being responsible for hundreds of freshman chanting “Fuck Penn State” two years later.

Many rumors have been circulating about the space explosion’s whereabouts.

The Medium asked some kids whether or not they have crossed paths with the man, the myth, the legend.

“Yeah I’m pretty sure that dude is on my intramural B team. He gets sacked ALL the time! IT’S 7 ON 7!” reported one student. “I think I saw him selling cars on route 27. Like really shitty used cars too, not the nice ones.” gncar

While no one can be particularly sure where he is right now, we can all be sure he is somewhere disappointing others, just like the old times.

I Have an Existential Crisis Whenever I Eat a Kit Kat

BY Reese Wonkakitkat

Have you ever had a Kit Kat? I’m going to assume the answer is yes, because if you haven’t you’re a good damn fucking communist.

So let’s have a chat about Kit Kats. I’m not sure if you’ve ever eaten a Kit Kat and looked on the inside, but I have. And it’s fucking insane. Every time I eat a Kit Kat I have a major existential crisis. You see, Kit Kats are made of layers of wafer and coated in chocolate. But in between those layers are these crumbs. Ever think about what those crumbs are? I doubt it, you’re probably normal in the brain.

Well let me let you in on a little secret. Those fucking crumbs, those things that make Kit Kats so good? Those are CRUSHED UP KIT KAT. You heard me right, fucking CRUSHED UP KIT KAT. Now this raises the question. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE FIRST KIT KAT COME FROM? What was in it? It couldn’t be a Kit Kat without crushed up Kit Kats in it, but if it had crushed up Kit Kats in it, then it couldn’t have been the first Kit Kat. So where the fuck did it come from? Are Kit Kats proof of time travel? There’s no other explanation.

Sure you might say to me, well maybe they just made one without crushed Kit Kats and then crushed that up. But then what about the third one? Or the fourth? It just doesn’t fucking make sense. Whenever I eat these Kit Kats, I question what everything is in life. How did we get here? How did Kit Kats get here?

Now let’s talk about the other elephant in the room. Let’s just assume that they have the first Kit Kat, and make a small batch without the crushed up Kit Kats. So then you get some defective Kit Kats in the new batch ok? So you crush them up and use them in the next batch, then in that batch you get some defective ones, so again you crush them up, put them in the next batch. But guess what? That batch has some defective ones too, so you crush those up, remember, at this point you have Kit Kats that have crushed up Kit Kats from two batches ago. So you keep fucking doing this, over and over again. More and more batches, more and more crushed up Kit Kats, and you project this forward.

THEORETICALLY, YOU MIGHT BE EATING KIT KATS THAT HAVE CRUMBS IN THEM FROM ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. That’s fucking insane, seriously, you’re eating hundred year old Kit Kat. Those things were made when your great-grandparents were fucking and making your grandparents.

It’s insane. Kit Kats are the most insane fucking candy in the world. Not only might they be the only proof we have of time travel, they also might have pieces in them from before the first World War. It’s fucking scary, Kit Kats freak me out. They shouldn’t fucking exist, but they do. Everytime I eat them I wonder who I am. So keep eating Kit Kats until science figures out where the hell they came from.

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A Fix to the Rutgers Bus System

BY Smithson Smitherssmith

It’s evident that the Rutgers bus system is not adequate for the sheer size of a school such as this. During trying times, the next available bus can be as far as an hour away, by which point your deadline would be long gone, along with your confidence in the Scarlet transportation system. However, when you are able to get on, you’re squished into a roaring sea of your exasperated peers, and you pray that the bus driver takes their lefts slow, else you’ll fall into the lap of your one classmate who asks the most idiotic questions, and you’ve done such a great job of avoiding eye contact up until this point.

These problems are amplified when the weather is on its worst behavior, which seems to be twice a week in central Jersey. So, without further ado, I’d like to present to you, the reader, my solution to Rutgers’ transportation problem:

The Rutgers’ bus system will run as normal, with the exception of one bus. The bus driver of this particular bus will, whenever possible, take a bus at its max capacity, and drive it off the bridge into the Raritan.

I believe this amendment to the bus system will assist in creating a more efficient and friendly bus system for multiple reasons.

  1. It will, overtime, reduce the total number of students attending Rutgers, allowing for safer, and more comfortable, bus rides for students and faculty.
  2. It will increase student morale, as student’s will grow appreciative of modern technology and how it is able to perform miracles, such as transporting them from one location to another without driving off a bridge.
  3. Students will consider using alternate methods of transportation.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank you for considering my plan, and I hope to see Rutgers implement it, or a variation of the original, in the very near future.

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Obscure YouTube Movie Review of the Week

BY Latin Mama

So if you’re like me and are too cheap to buy Netflix, fear not—YouTube’s got your back with a wide selection of obscure films to choose from! I mostly watch Spanish movies (besides the occasional PornHub flick, of course). My most recent YouTube endeavor, “Igualita a mí” (“Just like me,” in English) was most definitely worth the hour and 52 minutes of my time—and I’ll tell you why!

Fredy, a single, forty-something businessman by day/partyboy by night goes into the club and begins hitting on this younger woman, Aylín. He accidentally spills his drink on her and convinces her to come back to his apartment. Once they get there, he puts on some romantic music and dims the lights (¡ay ay ay!), right before he grabs her and starts kissing her neck. Right at that precise moment, Aylín pulls an old photograph out of her
pocket—in the photo is Fredy along with Aylín’s mom. She then says that there is a 33.333% chance that Fredy is her father. I could not have thought of a better time to tell a man he may be my father than when he is giving me a hickey! I almost lost my shit right then and there, but things got spicier. They go to a paternity clinic….and, drumroll please….old Spanish club-goer, YOU ARE THE FATHER (**a la Maury Povich**)! And….the daughter is pregnant! Then the doctor makes some perverted, painfully-disturbing joke about the father being both the grandfather and the father of the girl’s baby. Turns out he’s not, THANK GOD.

If you want to hear some incredibly uncomfortable jokes about incest, or just think Spanish accents are sexy (which they ARE), I highly recommend this film!

Overall rating: 33.333 stars