Category Archives: Volume LI Issue XII


Quit Being A Bitchsticks.jpg

BY Bundle of Sticks

I understand if it’s difficult, but you seriously need to stop being a bitch. I understand that, as a female dog, it is your nature to fetch sticks and retrieve them for your owner. However, it is extremely impolite and it really hurts the feelings I have in the context of this article.
You are supposed to be one of the most intelligent animals. I am asking you to please try your best to not act like a total and complete bitch. Stop pissing everywhere. Stop barking every time pedestrians pass the house. Stop fucking menstruating on the goddamn couch for fuck’s sake! I bet you couldn’t stop being a bitch if you tried. Goddamnit, here comes the mail truck again. STOP FUCKING BARKING ARRGHHHH! IF YOU BARK ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I’M GOING TO SNAP!

dog.jpgShut Up, Faggot

BY Female Dog

Seriously, it’s not my fault you’re a goddamn faggot. Look here, I’m just a dog. I get bored, so I chase sticks. When I see a bundle of sticks, of course I get excited. I live a simple life in a simple home. Don’t hate on that.

You can’t blame me for my bodily functions. It’s not my fault if my owners don’t walk me enough. Believe me, I’d rather pee outside, where I can run around and play fetch with the sticks in the backyard. Maybe I’ll even pee in the front yard, to avoid dealing with stupid faggots like you. Is that the mail truck? WOOF WOOF BARK BARK BARK MAIL TRUCK WOOF BARK BARK MAIL TRUCK MUST CHASE!

If Your Roommate Does Any of These Things, Get A Single

BY Girl Who Likes Brower

1. Colostomy bags end up in your drawers or impossible places on your side of the room. But how?

2. Hotboxes the room microwaving chili.

3. Stares at you when you try to sleep.

4. Doesn’t believe in using air conditioning or opening the window. It’s sooo hot. Why are you wearing a hoodie?

5. Only talks to you in their weird “British” accent. Maybe they’re actually British…

6. Makes you aware of all of their yeast infections.

7. Doesn’t recycle plastic. Did you not learn about Reduce, Reuse, Recycle or do you just not care about the planet. I guess saving energy by not using the AC makes up for it.

8. Has their boyfriend over for the night and doesn’t invite you to join.

9. Never leaves the room so that you can just cry alone.

10. Tries to resolve conflicts through Post-it notes.

11. Acts like they weren’t the one that just shat on the floor. It’s carpet too. Come on…

12. The bottom line is GET A SINGLE.

Calm the Fuck Down

BY Mike Boyers

So the past three weeks here have just been completely mayhem with the Class of 2016. First week, it was complaining about getting Bill Moyers and not Obama. Then the second week we got Obama, and then people starting complaining about “some Newark and Camden seniors” being invited, and now you’re complaining about having three tickets.
First of all, you’re all insane for complaining about Bill Moyers. He’s a fucking hero. That’s a fact. Secondly, you cannot win everything and need to understand that having Obama means there has to be drawbacks. Has to be. He’s the goddamn president, meaning security needs to be tight as a virgin’s anus. Now let’s get to calming you kiddies down.

1) The Numbers
a. 52,000 seats – 11,500 in the student section that gets blocked off by the stage = 40,500
b. 40,500 – 36,000 guests = 4500 seats left
c. 4500 – 1000 professors and faculty members = 3500 seats left\
d. 3500 seats/12,000 seniors graduating = 0.29 extra guests per senior
e. This ain’t 1840’s and you can’t have a fraction of a person anymore.

2) You don’t deserve it.
a. You just got lucky you went to the Class of 2016
b. The 250th Celebration is about the University, not you, a temporary piece
c. Graduating is not a big accomplishment, most of my class time was on Facebook
d. The professors and faculty actually make Rutgers what it is, not you

3) Newark and Camden
a. Most of the seniors don’t give a damn
b. Most of us would not want to go their campuses
c. Obama actually came to Newark and barely anyone here even talked about it then

4) Your grandparents, fifth youngest brother, cousin Aly and aunty Jane aren’t missing your big “celebration.” What they’re missing is this:
a. Being anally probed the Secret Service
b. Sitting in the hot sun for 4 hours
c. Having to wade through 2-3 hour of traffic to find a spot and then leave
d. Holding in a shit since no one wants to poop at a Stadium

5) You don’t fucking walk.
a. No one will see you.
b. Your parents are probably going to find a random student out of the 12,000 and go, “Oh yeah that’s my baby girl Sally,” when actually it’s just Lory Chen, a sixth year pharmacy student who finally finished a real struggle unlike you.
c. Obama won’t shake your hand or take a selfie with you for your Insta likes

Now I hope you’re all calm down. Stop crying, be happy you got Obama. Be happy that you’re graduating. And also quit being fucking scalpers. A week ago you were all like “New Brunswick is one family, Newark and Camden ain’t a part of us,” and now you’re asses are just going on full bitch-mode by taking advantage of your peers and charging them a $100 a ticket. Be nice and make someone happy. Trust me, you’ll be happier too.

Congratulations on graduating!

Bring Back Multi-Stream Recycling!

BY Darren P. Lewismsrecycle
Sixth Year Senior, Urban Planning Major

Walking around campus the past few years, I’ve noticed that by now, all of the trash bins have been labeled for “Single-Stream Recycling.” It is my belief that this is harmful to our recycling effort, and that we should switch to Multi-Stream Recycling.

Take the example of a highway. What would happen if a highway only had one lane? There would be much traffic! That is why highways have multiple lanes of course. The same could be said about recycling. Basic math can prove that multiple streams are more efficient than one single stream!

After consulting with the experts in the Urban Planning department, I have created a plan that will utilize an optimal range of four to six streams. There are advantages and disadvantages to each. If you have six streams, that is better because six is a bigger number than four, as we discussed.

However, there is another problem! My hand does not have six fingers! For those who did not take calculus, it will be hard to keep track of the number of streams! That is the benefit of four streams. But four is smaller than six, so it is not as good. Therefore, the best number of streams is five.

If Rutgers switches to Multi-Stream Recycling, we must increase our number of streams, and also not marginalize people who aren’t good at math like me. That is why I believe that five is the best number of streams. After all, it is almost six times more!

Sam Bradford Throws Fit, Takes Ball and Goes Home

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Giving Up Soon

PHILADELPHIA—Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford was seen on video gathering every single football at practice Monday and storming out of the facility.

Bradford’s temper tantrum was likely in reaction to the Eagles trading up to the second overall pick in the NFL Draft, where they will likely draft a quarterback.

Not wanting to be replaced, Bradford was heard on tape screaming “that’s not fair!” and “if I can’t play then nobody else can.” as he rolled around on the field throwing his cleats and helmet at Eagles staff.

Bradford signed a two-year contract in the offseason, but trading up in the draft shows the Eagles are not confident in the ability of their oft-injured quarterback.

The 28-year-old former Heisman Trophy winner out of the University of Oklahoma was also seen throwing all of the practice footballs he took into his trunk, getting into his car and speeding off.

“He said he was going home,” said Eagles running back Darren Sproles. “He was like, ‘This is dumb! I don’t wanna! Everyone just leave me alone, I’m going to my room,’ and all us player were just like what the fuck. Pretty weird shit, honestly. He’s a grown-ass man and he’s out here throwing fits.”

SADFORD Bradford reportedly shut out all his teammates and angrily ran out of practice. Nobody knows when he will return.

As of today, Bradford still refuses to pick up his phone or come to the door, and can be heard saying “I’m not here” when a visitor knocks and asks to come in.

In his visit, backup quarterback Chase Daniel was heard saying, “Sam, I know you’re in there, that’s totally you saying,” to which Bradford was heard replying, “no it’s not.”

Bradford’s agent recently told reporters his client is taking personal time and just needs his space.

How Does Michael Jackson Keep Dying?

BY Ben Jamminmjguy.jpg

How the fuck did Michael Jackson die again? I swear this is like the fifth time. I remember it vividly: being eager to go home from middle school on my last day because of a bunch of kids crying because they were pretending to be ‘super impacted’ by his death. As if they took a break from their dubstep induced trance to enjoy the works of the King of Pop and tormentor of children.

I bet this has something to do with him being demoted from King to Prince of Pop. I saw photos of the funeral and they went all out with the attire. They gave him the white glove AND the purple suit. I can’t follow it anymore. First his name was Michael Jackson. Then he changed it to some weird unpronouncable symbol. I think he was Amy Winehouse for a few years, but that might have been Ron Artest. Recently, he was The Artist Formerly Known as Michael Jackson, but I’m not sure what they’re putting on his tombstone.

At least they are going to make a shit-ton off of the extra movies they get to put out now that he has died a second time; not to mention that producers are probably going crazy trying to decide whether to make the hologram black or white. I’m not racist but I do think he lost some rhythm when he bleached his skin. I’m glad he went back to his roots. I guess what they say is true, once you go black, you never go back.