Category Archives: Sports

Paterno-Sandusky Statue Back Up Thanks to Overwhelming Support

BY Rebellious John Clayton

"back and better than ever"     A recent photo of the newly-returned statues of Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. Penn State boosters are flirting with the idea of erecting a statue of a crying child next to Sandusky in memory of how Sandusky was victimized by the  "hurtful" and "false" allegations of children.
“back and better than ever”
A recent photo of the newly-returned statues of Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. Penn State boosters are flirting with the idea of erecting a statue of a crying child next to Sandusky in memory of how Sandusky was victimized by the “hurtful” and “false” allegations of children.

State College, PA— The breaking of the Sandusky child molestation scandal was one of those moments for college football fans that was so profoundly impactful that people can tell you to this day where they were and what they were doing when the news went viral. Sandusky’s touching of children touched the hearts of fans of the sport across the nation. It took a scandal such as that one for people to finally be willing to admit that maybe they took the sport a little too seriously, that the importance of football paled in comparison to the torment and the loss of innocence young children were experiencing at the hands of a powerful football coach. Fans from every program were united in thinking this way, and lended their full support to the children affected and their families.

Fans from every program except the school from Pennsylvania, that is. Penn State fans have felt deeply wronged by all of the fallout from the scandal. But the one thing that caused the most public outrage and rioting was the removal of the Joe Paterno and, perhaps more importantly, the Jerry Sandusky statue from outside of Beaver Stadium.

“Yeah, it was total bullshit!” long-time Nittany Lion fan Greg Hardy told reporters. “So what, this stuff happens at every program. Open your eyes NCAA! They were just on a witch hunt to knock us off, but they’re finally making up for it.”

Hardy is referencing the fact that the NCAA recently restored 112 of the school’s wins that were vacated, as well as their expedited return to bowl eligibility they enjoyed this past football season.
“Now that Jerry is back watching over the little kiddies that walk into Beaver Stadium on Saturdays, it just feels like a wrong has been righted,” deranged Penn State fan Lyla Jensen also said.“The public treated him unfairly, and he thoroughly deserved his statue back.”

Athletic Director Sandy Barbour chimed in as well. To the public, she raised this rhetorical question: “Yes, Jerry Sandusky made a mistake. But we all make similar mistakes. Look in the mirror. Can you honestly tell yourself that you have never sexually abused minors? Now think about if we overreacted to Jerry’s mistake, and I’m sure you’ll agree we have.”

Penn State fans are not remaining complacent despite their recent victories. A fan group, “#FreeJerry”, has gotten 106,000 members to rally in support of freeing Sandusky from prison. That number, while impressive, pales in comparison to the membership of the “Hire a Necromancer to Bring Back Joe Paterno” fund.

Football players Forced to Take Off-season Jobs

Volume XLIX Issue II

BY Shreg Giano

"keep chopping....that lettuce" The Busch dining hall is just one of many locations that boasts a staff filled with Rutgers Football players. Per sources, star players Betim Bujari and Freshman All-American Kemoko Turray are close to being inducted into the Dining Hall of Fame.
“keep chopping….that lettuce”
The Busch dining hall is just one of many locations that boasts a staff filled with Rutgers Football players. Per sources, star players Betim Bujari and Freshman All-American Kemoko Turray are close to being inducted into the Dining Hall of Fame.

PISCATAWAY— College students and common folk alike think that being a college football player is filled with glorious parties, intense on the field action, and light course schedules. If thinking about the football player’s experience during the Fall semester, they would be correct. However, at Rutgers University, officials pay little to no mind to football players during the semester, forcing most of them to take on-campus jobs for no pay just to stay enrolled.

“Oh yeah, the football team is amazing during the Fall. The way they energize the campus and surrounding communities, it’s just incredible to watch,“ said President Barchi at his latest press conference. “And I won’t pretend to not understand the revenue they bring in. The team really is crucial for our brand.”

“But when the Spring hits, they don’t do jack shit to help me, so why should I help them?” added Barchi. “Those bastards need to keep making at least a little money for me, or else I have no reason to keep them around!”

The NCAA was very pleased to hear the news about the new system Rutgers was implementing. They toured the Rutgers facilities on Monday and were very pleased, noting the agility of running back Justin Goodwin as he weaved a snowblower between paths on Douglass, the power that guard Kaleb Johnson displayed hauling around bags of salt, and the quickness receiver Andrew Turzilli demonstrated while swiping students into the Livingston Dining Hall.

Next season, students and fan can expect to see Leonte Carroo adding to his receiving touchdowns record at High Point Solutions stadium. In the meantime, they can expect to receive a delicious heap of pulled barbecue chicken on their plates during his time behind the counter at the Busch Dining Hall.

Scarlet Scandal: Rutgers Wrestlers Caught Inflating Their Balls

Volume XLIX Issue I

BY SHREG GIANO: SPORTS EDITOR

"nice view"     An Ohio State wrestler gets a good hard look at the balls of the best Rutgers wrestler, Anthony Ashnault. The aforementioned Ohio State wrestler would make this image his profile picture shortly after the match.
“nice view”
An Ohio State wrestler gets a good hard look at the balls of the best Rutgers wrestler, Anthony Ashnault. The aforementioned Ohio State wrestler would make this image his profile picture shortly after the match.

Piscataway—Rutgers never has been and never will be a stranger to controversies and scandals. In the last year, the demise of Ray Rice’s spot as the Rutgers golden boy and the vulgar signs fans displayed at the Penn State football game brought heaps of negative press to the greater New Brunswick area.
While those issues brought their fair share of negative media attention, the bad press will pale in comparison to what Rutgers will soon face.

According to many reliable sources, the balls of the Rutgers Wrestling team failed inspection after their match with Ohio State on Sunday. Labeled “#InflateGate” by clever pundits, the balls of each wrestler were found to be inflated well above the NCAA mandate of “Decently-Strapped Black Man” levels of inflation.
The Medium caught up with star Redshirt freshman Anthony Ashnault, hoping to hear his side of the story. His answer was brief and frank, saying adamantly that “To my knowledge, nobody illegally inflated my balls. While I’ll admit that I like wrestling with my balls as large and inflated as possible, I would never defy the integrity of the sport by cheating and asking my trainer to over-inflate my balls.”

Wrestling legends have chimed in on the issue. The majority of them do not believe Ashnault, saying that “no trainer or ball boy would mess with a star wrestler’s balls without explicit direction to do so by the wrestler himself.”

On Tuesday, head coach Scott Goodale gave a fiery, defiant press conference in defense of his wrestlers, highlighting his team’s continued compliance with the NCAA’s investigation and also the painstaking effort they put in to follow all the rules.

“We brought our guys’ balls to the referee for a pre-match inspection a couple of hours before the first bout. They found our balls to be inflated to their liking, and said nothing about any problems with over inflation. Only once the Ohio State wrestlers complained that the balls of our guys were bigger and, frankly, nicer than usual did the NCAA and the media begin their witch hunt against Rutgers Wrestling. Maybe you guys should have the ball boy and equipment manager up here, because I have absolutely nothing to do with any of this.”

When reporters got confused as to why a wrestling team, which participates in a sport with no type of game ball, would need a ball boy, Goodale replied “Come on, you guys know! He’s got an ultra important job; He’s guy who takes care of everyone’s balls! Every decent team has one.”

Given that the NCAA treats cheaters very harshly, expect Rutgers to receive unrivaled sanctions in response to this scandal. In fact, the sanctions will be so serious that, perhaps, Tom Brady might just hesitate the next time he thinks about tinkering with the inflation of his balls. That is, if the NFL ever decides to discourage cheaters by actually punishing them when they are caught red-handed.

Patriots more surprised than anyone after their first Super Bowl Championship in ten years

Volume XLIX Issue I

BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON: SPORTS EDITOR

"back in championship form"     In celebration of the good ol' times, the New England Patriots have switched back to the logo they used in the early 2000s, when Brady and Belichick won the first three of their four Super Bowl titles.
“back in championship form”
In celebration of the good ol’ times, the New England Patriots have switched back to the logo they used in the early 2000s, when Brady and Belichick won the first three of their four Super Bowl titles.

Phoenix, az—After winning their fourth Super Bowl in thirteen years, the Patriots are being hailed as a modern dynasty. Many consider them the class of the NFL. Their quarterback is a superstar who has gotten over his Giant demons and will likely go down as the greatest to ever have played the game.

Watching all of this unfold has been surprising for everyone involved in the league, from the owners all the way down to the fans. But perhaps those most surprised by all of this are the Patriots themselves. Not because their sixth round draft pick turned into one of the greatest players of all time. Not because they beat “The Greatest Show on Turf” in the Super Bowl as a 9-7 team. Not because they came back from a ten point deficit in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIX against the best defense. No, the Patriots expected to do those things. In fact, in their eyes, they were all but guaranteed to do them.

“Surprised we won? Of course not,” a cheery Tom Brady told Medium reporters. “What we’re surprised about is how fucking clueless the NFL, our fans, and everyone who supports our accomplishments are.
“I mean Jesus, it’s all right in front of them. Of course I look like a great quarterback. I knew the calls of every defense I was playing against for years! How the hell could we have lost?”

Coach Bill Belichick shared Brady’s sentiments and feelings of disbelief of how light their punishments have been when asked how they got back to their winning ways after two straight Super Bowl losses.
“Well obviously the whole videotaping other team’s practices thing helped us tremendously to win the first three Super Bowls. We get caught doing it straight up, and what, I get fined $500,000? Big fuckin’ whoop.”
“But yeah, after getting caught, we went for that whole ‘Not Cheating’ thing at the behest of our executives when we played the Giants in those two Super Bowls, and I think we all know how that worked out. So I’ll definitely credit this win to the NFL for once again enabling our cheating ways, even though I can’t for the life of me understand how they could be so God damn naive.”

Patriots owner Robert Kraft echoed Bellichick’s regret of how they handled the seasons in which they lost the Super Bowl.

“I don’t even know why we stopped cheating. It won us three Super Bowls, and we got a slap on the wrist. We would have surely won two more rings if our cheating had been up to par those years,” speculated Kraft.

The residents of Foxborough, Massachusetts could not care less whether the Patriots cheated right now, and the party will rage on there for awhile. Unfortunately for them, there will be a huge damper on their celebration when, three months from now, after hundreds of hours of television experts recognizing the Patriots’ and Tom Brady’s greatness, the NFL finds them guilty of cheating against the Colts and takes away a future seventh round draft pick.

“Yeah, that’ll teach us!” Joked Brady.

Team Profile: The Eagles

Volume XLVIII Issue VIII

BY SAWYER: NEWS EDITOR

This week The Medium takes a look at the future of the Philadelphia Eagles.

medium eagles

TEAM MANAGER: Irving Azoff

STAR PLAYERS: Glenn Frey, Don Henley, Joe Walsh

STARTING LINEUP: Desperado, Tequila Sunrise, Hotel California, Lying Eyes

TEAM HISTORY: Got rid of some of the bad blood a few years ago between teammates Frey and Felder when Felder did not renew his contract.

MY IMPRESSION: I’ve been a fan since the first time I saw them play. Dad took me to the arena and I’ve enjoyed all of their hits ever since.

I think I deserve an apology

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY MARK SANCHEZ

mark

Dear all Jets fans,

How many years did I put up with all of your shit, and saying that you all hated me, wanted me dead, wanted me to get cut and be out of a job. And now look at you. Let me tell you, I was watching the Jets game before my game, you know with the 5-2 Eagles, and goddamn I wouldn’t even wish that shit on my worst enemy. The Bills? You lost to the fucking Bills. Let that sink in for a second.

Now I wasn’t going to say anything, but considering that I fucking hate you all so much I just couldn’t resist. I mean, we went to the playoffs twice when I was the quarterback, and I have a couple bad games, or bad seasons whatever, and an embarrassing fumble and you think some guy named Geno is going to come in and do better! This team sucks! At least you have some wide receivers who are good. I had Braylon Edwards! I know, “who’s that?” I even forgot, I had to look him up just to remember.

And then there’s Vick. Michael Vick. Yeah, him. The man who wanted to go to the Jets. He WANTED to come to the Jets. That just proves that the dude is fucked up. And look at me now, I’m getting paid to sit on the bench and now people are talking about me being signed to be a starter next year! Me! Imagine if I was still with the Jets putting up with all of your bullshit, yeah we would have won more games, but we would be destined for another 8-8 season, I’d be getting death threats, and people constantly making fun of my hair, and not even have a job next year.

Lastly, I would just like to publicly thank Rex for getting me injured last year. He saved my career so I didn’t have to keep playing for this team. Love ya, buddy.

Love, Marky Mark Sanchez

JETS-GIANTS SUPER BOWL AN INCREASINGLY LIKELY PROSPECT

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON: SPORTS EDITOR

"ICE ICE BABY!" Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and Jets head coach Rex Ryan share a moment . Both headmen deserve to smile, as their respective teams have dominated. Look for a less friendly picture of the two come February.
“ICE ICE BABY!”
Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and Jets head coach Rex Ryan share a moment . Both headmen deserve to smile, as their respective teams have dominated. Look for a less friendly picture of the two come February.

NEW YORK, NY— There has been little debate within the NFL over which teams are the best in each respective conference. The Giants have thus far been the class of the NFC, at times look­ing like a historically dominant team. Eli Manning has been the NFL’s top quarterback for much of the season, and the Giants de­fense has destroyed every team they have faced.

One need not look very far to find the AFC’s top team. The other New York team, the Jets, have turned heads this season. The potent offense lead by emerging superstar Geno Smith strikes fear into the hearts of nearly every defense in the league. Some would argue that Geno has been playing quarter­back more efficiently than any­one in league history.

It comes as no surprise, then, that NFL experts are look­ing ahead to an epic Super Bowl matchup between the Jets and Giants. While it has been histori­cally futile to make Super Bowl predictions before the playoff picture becomes clear, the level of dominance displayed by the pair of New York teams has most people convinced. Even Vegas has bought into the hype, setting the odds for a Jets-Giants Super Bowl at 24:26

“What the fuck are you idi­ots talking about? We suck. We have 3 wins to 7 losses. In what kind of warped universe does that constitute dominance?“ an angry Tom Coughlin expressed to reporters when asked about the lofty Super Bowl expecta­tions surrounding New York City.

Unlike Tom Coughlin, Jets head coach Rex Ryan was fully on board with the prospect of his team making the Super Bowl. Ryan even went as far as to guarantee that his team would defeat the Giants come February and would lift the Lombardi.

“Yeah, uh, totally right, we know that we are supposed to win the big game, and we are not backing down. Those Giants better be ready to lose, because we are winning it all this year Ryan would not go as far as to say that Geno Smith was the best QB in the league, claiming there was a limit to his deranged and biased optimism. This was surprising news to most Jet fans.