Category Archives: Sports

Eli Manning Swapped for Dumber, Uglier Version of Himself

By: Flick Booger

East Rutherford – In a strange twist of events a look alike of Eli Manning has been picked as the starting quarterback of the New York Giants. The news broke early Tuesday morning, as the clear blue sky opened up above the Giants training facility above East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, what should have happened was for the sky to turn blood red. This can be said because Eli Manning and his career have been publicly axed. Until now, no one knew who he was, or how he got there. He just randomly showed up because he claims he won a Eli Manning look-alike contest back in high school. Giants’ General Manager, Dave Gettleman, says that he can’t see the difference between the two. His father calls him the next best thing. His sister calls him her husband. His mother calls him her lover. The man in question? Daniel Jones from Duke University. 

In what has shaped out to be a situation similar to when the real Buzz Lightyear was packed away in a box by a FAKE Buzz Lightyear at Al’s Toy Barn in Toy Story 2, the news comes as a huge loss for not only New York, but also the sports world in general. Daniel Jones officially took Eli Manning, stuffed him into the Football Hall of Fame, and went to go play with Woody and his other Giants friends. Jones, the 6th overall pick, comes from a football program that is the polar opposite of its basketball program. With last year’s stars Zion Williamson and RJ Barrett actually ready to begin their respective basketball careers, Daniel Jones looks like he just used his white privilege and oddly-similar looks to get his spot on the starting lineup. 

Eli Manning, arguably one of the greater quarterbacks of his generation, is a two-time Super champion, and a two-time Super Bowl MVP. Additionally, he ranks within the top 10 of TDs thrown, and yards received. With such stats backing up the aging quarterback, you can only wonder whether or not Gettleman and crew were smoking long doobies one Sunday evening when they made this decision. Daniel Jones has a long road ahead of him. With already a 0-2 season, there is not too much room for error. At this point, going 0-16 would look a lot better than 1-15. The Giants definitely need to reconsider their draft pick and get their heads straight. Many people are already showing their concern, with one fan saying, “I dread the second coming of Jesus less than this”. At the Medium, we wish Daniel Jones all the bad luck ahead of him.

Rutgers Esports Prepares for First Competitive Stardew Valley Match

It’s a big day in esports history as Rutgers kicks off the first game of competitive Stardew Valley, competing against the Rochester Institute of Technology. Stardew Valley, as a farming game, had no intention of ever being an esport, and most players hadn’t even considered it as one. That all changed over spring break as a few members of the Rutgers Esports community gathered together and challenged a few of their rival schools to a formal competition.

How, though, will this tournament work? It’s a simple race to complete the community center, which involves farming, foraging, fishing, mining, and quite a bit of luck to gather the proper items. Both Rutgers and RIT have gathered eight of their best players and gathered them into two teams of four, and starting tomorrow morning the competition will begin. The first team to fully complete the community center will win the competition, and their school will advance to the next stage of the competition.

The Medium was lucky enough to interview one of their players, HarmoniDiscord, on how they’re feeling about the competition: “I’m looking forward to it! I’ve put over 500 hours into Stardew Valley but I never imagined I’d get to play competitively. It’s going to be a big commitment, the community center takes a LONG time, but we have a good team of dedicated, experienced players, and I’m sure we’ll do better than RIT.”

Because this is the first ever Stardew Valley tournament, there’s only four schools in the running, and the prize pool isn’t very big. However, the finals are still going to be played on the main stage of the Scarlet Classic V, which is April 14th at the Livingston Student Center.

Women’s UFC Matches Should Have Hot Dudes as Ring-Boys

By, Curio B. Exual

It is simple, why don’t we have hot, barrel chested, bleach blonde, scrumptious booty boys to do the whole walking around the ring between rounds and the weigh-in fiascos. Okay, they don’t have to be blonde, but everything else still stands.

Alright, let’s get the boring one out of the way. The overt sexism is pervasive in all fighting sports. Ring girls exemplify antiquated notions of fighting sports that have existed forever. Yadda yadda objectifying women, yadda yadda enforcing gender norms, yadda yadda hypocrisy of having women fighters and ring-girls yadda yadda. We all know of this and how it’s bad and like OMG Karen you don’t have to shove your Women’s Study papers down my throat. Now to the fun part, THEM HUNKY BOOTY BOYS!

I want these fucks to be 6 foot tall and ripped in places I didn’t even know existed. Fighters are too scary and look weird with all their bruises and giant egos. I want a soft, sensual, sultry man walking around with those stupid cards. He has to be loaded in the following categories: funk, junk, and the trunk. I don’t care if men are the target audience. You’ll finally get women and the rest of the sexual spectrum will finally give damn about your barbaric, ego-driven, testosterone-ridden idea of a sport.

Bill Belichick Smiles For First Time in Years, Blinds Newscaste


Robin Banks

Atlanta- With the Super Bowl done and over with, the world can finally turn its full attention to basketball (or maybe even cricket?). However, the week leading up to the Super Bowl always is stressful for not only the teams playing, but also their fans, apparently have anxiety way up to the end. The week had its share of viral moments, with Patriots Head Coach “Stone Cold” Bill Belichick leading the pack.

Many media outlets criticize Belichick for his lack of emotion during press conferences and his rather mumbled vocabulary. With many reporters attempting to make him laugh, Belichick has, for many years, not shown his pearly whites. Until now. On Thursday, ESPN’s Michael Wilbon made a joke about “Deflategate” which occurred a couple of years ago. Upon hearing this, Belichick could not help but give a huge smile. This rare sighting gave the answer to why Bill doesn’t want to show his teeth. In what is now being investigated as a possible fourth degree assault, Belichick’s smile briefly blinded all the reporters present. Some were even sent to the local ophthalmologist to get their sight checked. In a subsequent press conference, Belichick confided that he had gone to Dr. Aamir Wahab, DDS, famed dentist who brightened the smiles of many celebrities, to get a brand new set of teeth, and a possible way to veer off unwanted press coverage.

Celtics GM Danny Ainge Accidentally Offers Brad Steven’s Life for Anthony D


Robin Banks

Boston – The NBA went on a rollercoaster this past week. The week started out with the good news that Lebron would be coming back to play for the first time in nearly a month. Almost the next day the Knicks, ever the stupidest team in the NBA, traded their franchise player, Kristaps Porzingis, to Dallas in exchange for two average players and a future first round pick that may not be even worth it in the end. Even with all this, another development emerged. New Orleans’ center, franchise player and unibrow aficionado Anthony Davis publicly asked for a trade out of the Boston Celtics.

“The brow” was slapped with a $50,000 fine as a result of this public announcement, mere chump change for him. As expected, many teams lined up to offer half their roster for the big man. One team in particular, the Boston Celtics, offered a bit too much. ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski first reported, “…the Celtics offered the Pelicans two first round picks and the life of head coach of Celtics’ head coach Brad Stevens”. Rightfully, the sports realm erupted in shock and horror. Danny Ainge, realizing his mistake, had a few remarks of his own: “I was joking about that. I really was. As much as I wanted to have Davis join our team, I never would have wanted to sell Brad’s soul”.

The Celtics have been known to simply let go of many important people within its organization. For example, two years ago, the Celtics simply let go their star point guard Isaiah Thomas. It was after that many began to doubt the Celtics’ antics. In a press conference, coach Brad Stevens said, “Hey, as long as I am getting paid and am guaranteed a job for life, I am all good”. With the offer on the table, the Pelicans have yet to decline or accept the offer

Luka Modrić Wins Ballon d’Or, Ronaldo Did Not Pay Enough (314)

Robin Banks
Messi Fan

Paris, France

(Warning before reading: this article talks about the sport of soccer, AKA football. All references to “soccer” will be addressed as football from now on, you uncultured fools.)

On December 3, 2018 Real Madrid’s Luka Modrić won football’s most coveted individual prize, the Ballon d’Or. The Croatian Midfielder won his third consecutive Champions’ League and led his team to the finals of the FIFA World Cup. It is a win highly deserved and more authentic than previous years. This win is not only significant because it marks the first time a Croatian has won the award, but also the first time in ten years where the winner was neither Cristiano Ronaldo not Lionel Messi.

The other news story to come out of Paris at the same time was the extraordinarily decrease in “donations” received by France Football, the company who gives out the Ballon d’Or. One donor in particular, who goes by the name “Christian Ronald”, did not donate any money to the organization for the first time in ten years. An independent investigation launched by The Medium has concluded with 6.9% confidence that “Christian Ronald”, is, indeed, Portugal star and alleged rapist, Cristiano Ronaldo. By donating large sums of money in return for votes, Ronaldo could possibly be indicted on bribery charges. When pressed on this issue, Ronaldo said, “I donate because I am a good man. However, this year after paying $21 million to settle some unpaid dues, I simply could not afford to spend a penny from my small net worth of $450 million”.

In a press release, France Football said that they will now be accepting donations for the 2018-2019 fiscal year. “We here at France Football want players to not only compete on the field, but also in all aspects of their lives.”, said Sepp Blatter enthusiast and CEO of France Football, Didier Quillot.