Category Archives: A7

On-Campus Restaurants Ranked by Quality of Chicken Tenders

By Heywood Jablomi

Poultry Pincher

 

Everyone loves chicken tenders, they’re a college dining staple. Relatively cheap, full of protein, friend, and best of all, made of mankind’s greatest foe, the chicken. But where can you get the best chicken tenders? That’s what I’m here to tell you. Here’s my ranking of every venue where you can get chicken tenders on campus, except for Cook-Douglass because I remain unconvinced that C/D actually exists.

 

  1. RU Hungry: I might be cheating a little bit, because this isn’t so much the quality of the tenders so much as the context of the tenders. Part of it is the sandwich they come in: you can get chicken tenders just about anywhere, but here’s the only place where you can get them in a hoagie alongside french fries, mozzarella sticks, and marinara sauce. Also, when do you get RU Hungry? Only when you’re stoned or fucking starving. Everything tastes better when you’re stoned or fucking starving. It’s not just about the meat, my friends. RU Hungry has decent tenders, but they know how to sell them so they’re fantastic
  2. King Pita Palace: You’re probably thinking, Heywood you idiot, this place has Middle Eastern food! Why are you getting chicken from here? Well, one day Wendy’s had a half hour line that spiraled all the way from the front of their kiosk all the way through the tables and out to the bathrooms. There wasn’t even a sale or anything, it was just 12:55 and all the 11:30 classes had just let out. So I went to King Pita because I saw they had chicken tenders and my god, they were even better than Wendy’s. So crisp, so golden, so warm, and almost no waiting.
  3. Wendy’s: Almost as good as King Pita, and you can get a frosty with it, but they just don’t compare. They’ve got some good seasoning, and that goes double for their fries, but it’s rarely worth the wait. If you want something to eat now and something before class, then maybe get a sandwich and take the tendies for the road, but other than that, just go right next door.
  4. Woody’s: I’ll be honest, I’ve only managed to get this deep into Busch twice without succumbing to the geese and having to run away or get rescued, but back when I was on a meal plan, the chicken almost made it worth the trip. If you’re nearby, I’d definitely recommend it, and if you’re not, take something along to take care of the geese. Those tenders will make a sweet victory meal if you make survive, though.
  5. Henry’s: $8.50 for six tenders?? They take meal swipes, sure, but if you’re not on a meal plan this is probably your budget for the next day and a half. If you’re willing to spend that much, just get a fat sandwich instead, at least that will feed you for a weekend. I don’t even care how good they are at this point, it doesn’t matter if they taste the same way riding an empty LX feels, I’ll never in my life be able to afford them.
  6. The Rock Cafe: I have a tray of them right next to me and they gave me clinical depression. If you’re in the area just get some breakfast food or a grilled cheese or a burger, those are all just fine, but this chicken is just limp, lukewarm sadness in old batter with a bad aftertaste and worse mouthfeel. I regret my entire night after eating these, and now wish to go to sleep and hope tomorrow may be a better day.

Local Dipshit Thinks He Can Get a Table Without Reservation On Valentine’s Day

By Single by Choice

“I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS GOING TO BE THIS MANY PEOPLE”

The war-cry echoed throughout the lobby of Steakhouse 85 as Local Dipshit lost his proverbial shit. The Host in charge was not ready to face the ire of the idiotic Dipshit. What followed was a rampage of epic proportions- punches flew, curses spit out, blood splattered, girlfriend’s eyes rolled. The altercation drew the attention of the patrons of the establishment, all finding the crimson blood really adding to the Valentine’s Day vibe.

By the time RUPD arrived, Dipshit lost his edge and fainted from the dying blood rush. Dipshit’s girlfriend was there to explain the situation to Medium correspondent, Liu ‘Kang’ phur-louvre.

“Ugh, I had been asking Dipshit for ages what he has planned for Valentines Day. Each time he assured me he had it figured out, all the while having his eyes glued to the latest Joe Rogan podcast. It was only from Rogan’s latest Veal-Meal insta post- one that featured a heart shaped bicep- that he realized he forgot to get a reservation. Then he rushes me here and… well you can see what happened,” explained Madam Dipshit.

Steakhouse 85 quickly cleaned up the mess and kicked the dipshit to the curb. Valentines Day commenced as usual, until another Dipshit tried to get in without a reservation.

College Recipe Guide: Valentines Day Feast for One

By Throbin Williams

 

Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.

Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.

Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.

Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.

Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.

Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.

Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.

Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.

Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.

Bad Video Game Analysis- De Blob

By Richard Hunter
Projecting

 

For those of you not in the know, De Blob is a simple but satisfying puzzle platformer starring the titular “blob”, some kind of life form that can absorb color and transfer it to any surface he touches. The game tries to tell you that the story goes like this: the evil “INKT” corporation has sucked all the color from the world, and Blob has to put it back. This is the child-friendly story that De Blob tricks your parents into buying the game for innocent children with, but a little bit of digging will reveal the truth.

As I’m sure you all know, the gay pride flag is black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Blob can paint the world any one of the last seven colors on that list, with the exception of black. This is because black and white are the colors of the INKT corporation, and also the colors of the straight flag. So obviously, at the core of De Blob is a conflict between gay people and straight people, and the player character leads the charge of the gays. This is exactly the liberal propaganda that the left wants to infect our children with, brainwashing them with pro-gay ideals.

And you know what? De Blob is so arrogant, they rub their plan right in the faces of the innocent consumers they’re corrupting. Regularly throughout the game, you’ll be able to “liberate” the citizens of the world by turning them from a perfectly normal gray to all different colors of the rainbow. De Blob is turning your children gay, and isn’t even trying to hide it. Protect yourself, play something innocent like Mass Effect, and don’t even think of buying this propaganda.

ALERT PATRIOTS: THE DEEP STATE IS PAYING YOUR CHILDREN TO AVOID YOU THIS THANKSGIVING (NOT A DRILL)

By SGT. GEN. Chiappa Remington Wesson Jr., Tier One Operator

 

IMPORTANT BULLETIN: According to reliable INSIDE GS-15 RANKED SOURCES embedded in the UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS, children NATIONWIDE are being PAID OFF to become lackeys for THE DEEP STATE DEMON RAT Party’s RADICAL LEFTIST agenda. After recent DESPICABLE acts of TERROR from BOTHERING Sen. Mitch McConnell at a restaurant to VIOLENTLY karate chopping White House interns, what sort of INSIDIOUS tactics to promote ANTI-AMERICAN ideals have they taken this time?

 

Frankly, my own son won’t tell me, but INSIDERS allege that these paid agitators are being propositioned to IGNORE YOU during THANKSGIVING DINNER, possibly ELSEWHERE. What would compel them to be complicit actors in such a VILE scheme? That motive is beyond us, but I believe that it would clearly be no fault of our own. As ESTEEMED PUBLIC INTELLECTUALS such as Benjamin Shapiro and David Rubin have attested, these SNOWFLAKE SOY BOY NPC MILLENIALS are simply too UNGRATEFUL to recognize your own brave diversity OF THOUGHT.

 

It’s TOTALLY not because you ALIENATE them with your skewed reactionary worldviews. I’m not racist, but calling YOU racist? What’s racist about generalizing an entire group of people who arbitrarily look DIFFERENT from you and projecting your own insecurities and moral failings onto them? The REGRESSIVE left is simply too fixated on IDENTITtY PoLiTICS that they cease to recognize the REAL, salient THREAT of covert 8 YEAR OLD MS-13 OPERATIVES infiltrating our sacred arbitrary lines! OUR ancestors LEGALLY emigrated to these pristine STOLEN lands, so why can’t they? All they have to undergo are years of arduous citizenship testing, income inequality, the prospect of having a few automatic rifles pointed at their heads AND a few children thrown into cages, but NO. That’s not enough handouts and freedoms for these ENTITLED SELFISH CRETINS.

 

But those aren’t here nor there, because I’m not racist. Absolutely not. I haven’t got around to asking him much in seven years, but just ask my friend Steve. He’s One Of The Good Ones, because the omnipresent issue at hand is the budding INTOLERANCE amongst our children. It is an utter anomaly, as only a LOW-T BETA would cower from facing your unsolicited NUANCED opinions about the cretinous FOOTBALL MEN, why every terrorist attack is a bigger ongoing stage production than Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, and why MORE children need to be thrown in cages. You’re not bigoted. You’re not insecure. You’re not suffocating any and all introspection in a cloudy haze of opiates and benzodiazepines. You don’t need to see a therapist for your lifelong burgeoning psychological trauma. You aren’t a reactionary, short-tempered, verbally abusive lout who calls your kin SHEEPLE and politely requests your spouse to shut the fuck up, no. Why the hell don’t they correct you about that anyway? Why the hell be the parent 24/7 when THEY can pull up their bootstraps and tell YOU what’s wrong?

 

If you read my CREDIBLE newsletter, you can rest assured that you are a DECENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN man who simply wants what’s best for his kin, AND the pure-blooded grandkin you are duly owed. You merely believe in traditional values, our loving God’s coherent plan for receded hairlines or agonizing herniated disks, and the inalienable right to question things that don’t make sense over a cold Pabst on the couch. Remember, if you’re children question the credibility of the BRAVE alternative YouTube journalists you follow, how that vague camera flash inconclusively proves a REPTILIAN FALSE FLAG, how Seth Rogen’s “Paul is actually a stoner biopic declassifying THE GREYS, how that building angle fall inconclusively proves CONTROLLED DEMOLITION, or why you’re so obsessed with blaming every single personal grievance on the F̴̀͞͞͏͚͙͇͖̥̭̻̲͉̺͍̻͈͓̻̮ͅEDERAL RESERVE (not racist), that’s the REAL intolerance right there.

 

So, if they subvert your ways and cease to keep an OPEN MIND to your brave FREE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS this Thanksgiving, double down. Be MORE patriotic. Do MORE research and YouTube education on your arguments. CONTINUE to remain perplexed and baffled over why your children haven’t heard your side in years. DO NOT let your children fall toward the slimy tendrils of the BUSHES, CLINTONS, OBAMAS, ROTHSCHILDS, SOROS, AND THE NEW WORLD ORDER BOOGEYMAN AGENDA. TO PARAPHRASE OUR GLORIOUS COMMANDER IN CHIEF, DONALD JOHN TRUMP, WE MUST NOT SURRENDER TO THE FALSE SONG OF AWKWARD SILENCE!

 

USE CODE “MEDIUM” FOR 67% OFF OUR ALPHA TURBO EAGLE ENHANCEMENT SUPPLEMENTS. IT’S A FUCKING PAIN LUGGING AROUND YOUR STAINLESS STEEL .600 NITRO EXPRESS REVOLVER TO COMPENSATE AT THE DINNER TABLE, BUT NOW YOU WON’T HAVE TO! NOW MAYBE MY FUCKING SON WILL SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. NOW MAYBE THE SUBVERSIVE GLOBALIST AGENTS WON’T BASTE MY TURKEYS WITH LIQUIDATED CHEMTRAILS, OR BUG MY AIR VENTS WITH REMOTE VIEWING DEVICES. WHY WON’T MY FUCKING SON FUCKING OPEN UP TO ME ANYMORE. I STILL LOVE YOU WINSTON BERETTA. DON’T BELIEVE THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA, OR YOUR BARREN HARLOT MOTHER’S FUCKING MENOPAUSAL LIES. FUCKING SHIT FUCKING FLUORIDATED FUCKING WATER. GOD DAMN IT.

President Trump Renames Cruz “Beautiful Ted,” Decides to Revamp Nicknames for all Political Foes

Washington D.C.-This week President Trump announced that he will no longer refer to Ted Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted” and will instead call him, “Beautiful Ted” following this change, Trump has decided he will change the nicknames for all his enemies. “It just seemed to be time,” the President said at press time, “I’m tired of calling them the same thing, I need to keep it fresh for me, otherwise what’s the point?” Trump went on to say he would no longer call Marco Rubio “Lil Marco” but instead “Lil Peep” as it, “just has a nice ring to it.” Jeb Bush will no longer be called “Low-Energy Jeb;” but is renamed “Shrunk-In-The-Wash-Then-Melted-In-The-Microwave Jeb!” When asked why the drastic change, President Trump replied, “I mean he just looks weird! Have you seen the guy?”

He then continued, “‘Crooked Hillary’, will just be ‘Hillary’ from now on. I mean she’s been through enough folks…I’m just kidding! Don’t worry, she is now the ‘Menstruating Mangina’ or ‘Pussy-Lips Clinton’.” He then went on to say that Elizabeth Warren’s “Pocahontas” was, “boring and outdated” and that “Senator Elizabeth Redskin” sounded better, “especially since the DNA results were positive.” President Trump ended by saying, “Kim Jong-un, you’re not safe either. Say ‘bye bye’ to ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘hello’ to ‘Missile Maniac’ or how about ‘The Kimchi Killer’?” When asked for comment, Jong-un replied, “[translated] I actually kind of like ‘Kimchi Killer’ it makes me sound like a wrestler.” The President announced no further name changes at this time. Justin Trudeau was reportedly disappointed as all Trump calls him is “Justin From Canada.”