Category Archives: A7

Kaitlin R: Personals Editor

kaitlinKaitlin R passed suddenly after a horrible accident at Coachella, involving her pet hermit crab, Patrick. After a huge battle over Patrick’s fringed vest with another guest, Kaitlin was knocked unconscious. Who knows the real cause of this death match?

Was it the overwhelming beauty of the homemade vest which was actually cut to pieces, or was it jealousy for Kaitlin’s recently attained high level of Cat Power on Buzzfeed? Her hermit crab tried his best to revive her, unfortunately, he was unsuccessful and Kaitlin, our dear tree-hugging, flower-eating friend died.

Kaitlin has been a well loved member at The Medium and poor little Patrick will be lucky if he can survive this trying time. He may be the only person that misses her more than her best buddies at The Medium. If Patty makes it, please send hotdogs in honor of Kaitlin’s love of Rutgers’ annual hotdog day, in lieu of flowers.

Lesly K: News Editor

leslyLesly K faced a tragic death after eating free pizza that had been poisoned.

Lesly was confronted with her horrible demise in Olive Branch bar last Wednesday.

The man she had grown so close to and referred to as “Staff“ betrayed her by sprinkling some poison on her pizza after growing tired of her only coming in for free food and repeatedly shouting “STAFF!” as loud as she could.

Lesly, a champion on the color guard team, has also moved up in The Medium, mainly securing her position through her skills to seek out all the free food events on campus and occasionally “stealing” it for meetings, giving her instant popularity. She will be missed at The Medium; members have been saddened by her passing and are questioning the source of their next pizza.

Lesly wishes that a collection of Human Centipede tapes be sent to her parakeet, Kurt in lieu of flowers. A funeral service will be held at Brower Commons, Lesly’s favorite place on Earth, where she was always a loyal customer and where she spent her happiest times.

Michelle F: Secretary

michelleMichelle, the secret love child between Lady Gaga and a werewolf, has tragically been found dead in Passion Puddle this morning.

Michelle was known for her quiet demeanor during the day time and rowdy behavior in the night. This can be described by her werewolf blood as well as the fact that she came from south Jersey.

Described by friends as “I guess she’s okay” and “She’s the one with the brownies right?”, Michelle proves to be a vital part of the Rutgers community.

During her time she served as secretary for The Medium taking upon the dreaded task of trying to censor her peers but always failing. It’s the effort that counts.

Speaking of effort, Michelle had put a lot of effort into other things besides schoolwork.Michelle was also a part of the drinking team at Olive Branch.

Her official team name was “Thuggin Chugger” and her family as requested that she be remembered as such.

Her legacy will be remembered within the Olive Branch and their community of drinks and pizza. Michelle will be buried 6 feet under the Sears parking lot. A ceremony and burial will be held in said parking lot and the family requests only cats show up.

Justin: Editor-In-Chief

justinJustin L: son of Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn: Father of Bruce Jenner (the dog). In lieu of flowers send endowment to masturbators anonymous.

Justin will be remembered by his dog, who was always excited to lick the peanut butter off the balls.

He lived a great life and fulfilled all his dreams. He owned a pit bull, he went and proved the state of West Virginia was real, and (the high light of his life) he met Pornstar Lisa Ann.

At home, Justin was always known as a late bloomer. From the woods town of Forrestville, Justin became a minor celebrity at age 6. He single handedly got himself stuck in a balloon and floated around for 6 hours before safely landing at a scary blue collar dive bar. It was that day that Justin had his first beer.

In middle school, Justin won the beer olympics for the 7th grade. It was that night he lost is virginity in the local “festival of dykes.” The festival is where all members of the town meet at the center of the three rivers that converge on the three supporting dykes. Also, the winner of the 7th grade beer olympics is sexually given to the dykes who live down by the river.

This upbringing didn’t hold Justin back. He went on to become a successful political analysis and a bioethicist. It is fitting that he is best known from leaked photos of him in sex dungeon with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Martha Bush, and Joe Biden, all experiencing simultaneous organism.

Justin’s last moments were spent saving puppies from a fire.

MOVIE REVIEW: FURIOUS 7

BY MAYBE THE A7 EDITOR…I WASN’T THERE. IF YOU WANT CREDIT FOR THIS SHIT THEN GO FOR IT.

I have a feeling Vin looked pretty sexy in this picture, so here you go
I have a feeling Vin looked pretty sexy in this picture, so here you go

Furious 7: As Told to Me By Randomly Asking People In The Room Around Me

So Furious 7 is like, you know, a movie. Its about cars, I think? Yeah, and Vin Diesel is in it, and hot women, and I heard Iggy Azalea was in it for like 2 whole minutes, which sounds super sick. Also there were cars! Yeah, like a shit ton of cars. And driving, but… not so much fast driving? Weird. Anyway, from what I understand, there were SIX OTHER MOVIES BEFORE THIS ONE. Like holy shit, guys, who makes seven movies? I thought the seven in the title was a joke or something, like 7 was relevant to the plot or something, you know, like it’s about the number 7, who was fed up with his life and starts going out on a rampage, murdering and brutishly canabalizing his best friend 9. But like, it’s a car movie, but not like Cars, where it’s about living cars, but like, about people who drive cars and take no shits.

There was also a sad memorium to Paul Walker from what I heard. Shame what happened to the guy, so you know, it was a nice, suprisingly tender moment in a movie about driving cars fast-ish and beating people up.

Overall, from what I heard, I’d totally give this movie about a:
7.5/10

For from what I understood, sick car chases, wicked violence, Vin Diesel, and Iggy Azalea’s ass. I would definitely recommend it based off what I heard.