By Real Joe Biden, Former Vice President, 2020 Presidential Hopeful, Woman Respecter, Not An Intern Or Other Joe Biden
People of Barack America, here’s the deal. A lot of you have been wondering where I’ve been the past fortnights. Why disappear from the public eye for over a week when campaigning for a national election for prime chancellor? Well, it’s quite simple Jack. These Burrisma Brothers have been talking up slanderous lies about the COREVID-18 epidemic, alleging I’ve been drugged on the smack or dead all this time? Worse yet, they’ve said I’d done the raps and raves, like those rapscallion teeny boppers and hornswogglers?
Look fat. This damn Qdoba disease ain’t nothing. I’ve been asympathetic of dementia, stuttering, Auschwitzeimers, chicken carbonara virus, all of it man. I won’t deny I’ve EVER had it, nor would Hunter, Beau, Jill, or Francine West have. Corner Betty would make a MEAN casserole in the neighborhood back then. Those days, to get the eggs for the roux, you’d have to personally raise the chickens yourself, and wring their necks by your own hand.
She had a nice pair of bloomers, that Corner Betty. Lived on the side I’d less than nigh pay a nickel to bus to, lest Hunter needed me to pick up some of the stuff. Put pomade and hot rollers around that pit hair. Called it gentle wind feathers cause that’s how it’d blow. Anywho, like my former confidante Chairman Hussein Alabama, I hightailed it outta there and into the sanitorium, away from any clear and present danger.
I am writing this official campaign press release to confirm I am indeed well, alive, and in the tender loving caring comfort of Dr. Joe Biden’s husband. Fortunately I can afford that comfort, unlike you no-good inconveniencing scallywag macks dropping left and right in the streets like the gadflies you are. Social Darwininianism. Select naturale. No chicken carbonara here. No siree. If any Barney Sandal or Ronald McDonald head wants to test my mettle on that, they can take it outback for some deadlifts. At the place. The one you know.