By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Interdimensional Correspondent
DERRY, MAINE: In an unprecedented turn of events, Maturin the Cosmic Space Turtle, one of the twelve Guardians of the Dark Tower’s Beams, has announced that he is laying off the shapeshifting Eldritch alien monster It until further notice. Best known as Pennywise The Clown, It was a notorious local haunt around the town of Derry, enjoying lenient part-time hours that only demanded his work every three decades.
But in recent uncertain times, a new invisible, omnipresent killer targeting select age demographics has emerged: the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic. The burgeoning supply filled by a new competitor has left Pennywise’s services lacking in demand.
“Before, you really had to put in the elbow grease. Burn every occupant in a building alive, drown ‘em with the old blood sink or bloodbath, hit ‘em with the classic jumpscare or two, dismember a couple toddler limbs with your rows of elongated mandible fangs. But now, one fucking dead bat is all it takes to bring all of your earthly institutions to a screeching halt. ONE!”
It was particularly downtrodden in it’s sewer lair, unsure how he’d keep the Deadlights on over the next two months of quarantine.
“It’s easy to SAY that all people and homicidal flesh-eating entities can just get through this and pull themselves up by their balloon straps. Even EASIER to say when you’re just some fat head honcho tortoise floating high above them all in the cosmos. But guess what, Maturin? We aren’t all so lucky to float through this economy. Expunging the world of these little crybaby shits is a ‘non-essential’ service? Give me a fucking break. I know I’m just a freelancing independent contractor, but c’mon man. You gotta give me SOMETHING to work with here!”
Unfortunately, the four-legged shell god was not particularly moved by Pennywise’s pleas to stay in business, and went on to mock those pleas in a late-night Macroverse portal monologue.
“Why would I give a fuck about a universe I puked out in a raw bender? Do YOU degenerates pay any more thought to yesterday’s hangover than flushing it the fuck down, like this child chomping sicko? Folks, maybe a certain Mr. Pennywise wasn’t SO WISE with those pennies after all.”