Personals – Week of March 23rd, 2020

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent

(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)

 

Games

 

How should I eulogize my grandparents, who valiantly laid down their lives for the cause of selling Funko Pops and Animal Crossing?

(You’ve got more time on your hands to play Minecraft, right? Use it motherfucker. The graveyards procedurally generate for you! No fat charnel house checks to cut!) 

How to slide into Club Penguin Rewritten DMs during these trying times, while everyone’s home from school? Asking as a libertarian.

(You fucking sick degenerate. You be absolutely fucking ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night? Everyone knows Webkinz is the way to go.)

Gamestop Store Manager here. How do I tell my employees nicely that sick leave, health benefits, and being treated like a human being with human rights are all paid microtransactions?

(I know selling shrinking Gildan tees and physical games you can just fucking buy digitally are essential services amid a global pandemic. But just throw them SOME bone, alright? Install an indoor demo ventilator. Let your immunocompromised clerks enjoy five minutes of fresh O2 before they drown on the inside. As a treat.)

Why does Dick Pound want to postpone at least a year? I can’t wait that long for my flattening.

(You sound like more of a BME Pain Olympics guy than an Olympic one. You just have to wait as long as it takes your TOR Browser to load for that one, and years for the subsequent irreversible mental scarring to heal.)

 

Shopping Around

 

What does it mean if I’m slowly becoming addicted to watermelon-flavored sparkling water?

 (It means you need to add more variety to your addictive panic buying. Supermarket shelves might be collecting dust right now, but those shelves of dick pills and Pyrex glass at the off-brand corner gas station are good as new.)

How do I break it to my mother that having me be the one sent off to leave the house and get groceries wouldn’t change much as that’s not how the virus works?

 (Break it with empathy and compassion. Explain that this is collectively a difficult time for all of us, and playing pissing contests with your suffering does no one any favors. Express your love with an amicable hand hold. A tight hug. A squeeze. A chivalrous doorknob hold. A peck on the cheek. Platonically. Then visit your grandparents to do the same, especially if they’re lonely in a nursing home right now.)

I don’t have health insurance, what’s the best fast food straw for sucking the fluid out of my lungs?

(WaWa. Single use plastic. None of that namby pamby libtard recycled tree shit. If you’re gonna suffocate to death, you might as well suffocate with your personalized 64oz Coca-Cola Freestyle® sugar water while you’re at it.) 

Out of soap and just had the water cut off. Best body fluid to lather my hands with?

(Urine. It’s sterile. Less bacteria than tap water. You can drink it. Brad Pitt said so 20 years ago, and how could that dashing smile lie?)

 

Nut Aggression Principle

 

I finished Pornhub, which site should I go to next?

(I’d go for a more wholesome palate cleanser. Use this quarantine time to educate yourself on self care and the culinary arts. Look up recipes for a hearty dinner at places like specialfriedrice.net!)

Pine Barrens militiaman here. Should I outfit my M4 SOPMOD with an under-barrel Lysol spray, 650ml Kohler mobile bidet, or pneumatic motor-vibrated XL amethyst Bad Dragon?

(You can live without Febreezing your ass or fucking your ass, but even through societal collapse, there’ll always be a need to wash your ass. Just be sure you’re hitting the right trigger to wash it out with water, and not 5.56×45 NATO bullets.)

As a libertarian, how do I tell the fluid entering my lungs that it’s violating the NAP?

(You don’t. Why would you want to be reliant on radical socialist welfare systems like government assistance, and not being turned away and left to die on the sidewalk?)

Why doesn’t Rand Paul chin up and develop a vaccine with the free market’s invisible hands?

(Why would he? He pulled his bootstraps high enough to work a week after testing positive. Why would our nation’s patriotic GOPers turn into regressive leftist snowflakes who need safe spaces from things like gradually choking to death on super pneumonia?)

 

America, The Beautiful

 

One of my friends is a millionaire apologist, what do I do?

(Steal his dorm refund and government UBI checks, and tell him you’ll trickle them back down to him eventually.)

Who will win: one $21.44 trillion economic infrastructure, or one little nucleic boi?

(Can’t say I’m too crazy about this whole graduating into a global depression thing, but who doesn’t love a good underdog story with the Little Guy?)

Why did my parents have to choose this fucking country for a better life?

(Better question; why’d they have to choose you and me for a fucking life? It’s not a good time over here.)