By Hunter Malcolm
Ok fine, it may not have been a giant psychic squid or a zombie apocalypse to do us all in, but I still predicted a global pandemic that would bring the earth to its knees! And who knows, the dead haven’t been dead that long and we don’t know the full effects of COVID-19, so who’s to say! But you all made fun of me. “Look at Hunter, he’s so paranoid,” “he’s crazy,” “wow, he is really losing it.” well look who’s laughing now! I’m sitting on a throne of TP from all my apocalypse survivor kits and you’re all fighting over ass cleaner like it’s goddamn dollar bills.
Then I took to Facebook out of curiosity for how people were doing and everyone is complaining that they are losing their minds in isolation, which gave me a good chuckle. You dumb fucks, my life has not changed in the slightest. After going out once a day for an hour to give all you dumb fucks a warning! Trying to be a hero! Which was useless because look at all of you now! I would go into my bunker for the next 24 hours until the next day. Now I don’t have to do the warning anymore because the end is here and to be honest I never liked trying to warn you guys because you were all really mean. Maybe you bastards deserve this. And once this is all over I will be like the great Noah of the bible and repopulate the earth with what living creatures I could possibly repopulate with. I heard we can have babies with goats, I saw it on the internet once. And of course, with none of you bastards out there to judge me I can test the possibilities with other creatures of God. I’m not sick! I am doing what is necessary! I will rule this earth, for that is my calling! The end has cometh, but the rebirth is nigh!