By Pre Malone
New York City, N.Y.–
The Medium has just received word that coronavirus is officially cancelled due to fears over coronavirus. The virus has reportedly scared itself and just said, “No thanks”. This has come as a shock to people affected by the coronavirus globally. When asked for comment the virus compared its rise to that of the band My Chemical Romance as well as the ASMR fad saying, “It was just meant for a small number of people, and it’s gotten annoyingly out of hand. We’ve got no choice but to shut this shit down”.
Results of a survey conducted by The Medium show that 98% of American citizens are pleased with Coronavirus’s decision to cancel itself, while the remaining 2% are really just looking for an excuse to avoid their friends and family. Coronavirus is not sure at the time whether it will be rescheduling itself for a later date, but thinks it would be really fun to come back in full force at Coachella next year.
Though the virus is cancelled, it encourages you to continue participating online by spreading potentially dangerous misinformation about it via Twitter and Facebook. It has enjoyed watching you all hold your breath and drink water every 15 minutes and would like to see more of this. Spokespeople for the virus recommend drinking rubbing alcohol and fully setting your face on fire as potential next steps for this movement.
Finally, coronavirus would like to clear up the rumor that it is “just like the flu”. The virus says it may have been like the flu once, but it has since broken off, traveled the world, evolved, matured and become its own strong, independent virus.