By Bradley “Brad” Tanner
Streetwise Metaphysical Ethereal Realm Correspondent
HEAVEN- “I knew it’d be big, but I didn’t anticipate that it’d be THAT big.”
Those were the words beckoned by both a single Town Square spokesman and my very existent GF in Canada, but they are words that speak for the sentiment of billions of Heavenly citizens this past weekend. In his mortal Earthly life, Oliver Li was a purist, true blue White Hat hacker, one who shockingly didn’t dabble in dark web shadow markets, child pornography, anime neo-Nazism, or other fucked up incel neckbeard hacker shit. Now, Mr. Li has just unearthed a treasure trove of leaks pertaining to our One True Lord and Saviour; God, Yahweh, the Alpha and Omega, the Head Honcho Himself, has a whopping 57.4 terabytes of Liveleak videos (472 trillion) saved to His hard drive.
Since 2007, the site has trafficked in unwavering, unflinching, graphic, and violent content showcasing assaults, gruesome accidents, shootings, stabbings, war crimes, sex crimes, executions, snuff torture, and other fun, wholesome edutainment in that vein. It’s understandable for people to assume that their Great Divine Omnipotent Creator would already have a front-row view of the world’s wedding drone strikes or cartel chainsaw executions, and they may wonder why said Creator doesn’t intervene. Well, God defended His controversial (in)actions at the Town Square.
“Why can’t you fuckers just accept ‘Mysterious Ways’ and call it a day? Damn myself, but come on. I like this spectacle as much as you people, and I appreciate the platforms that you people created to help organize that spectacle to do my work for me. That’s it. Nothing more to it, nothing less. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to keep a civilization running. Sometimes you need to decapitate a few chicken souls into Animal Heaven Heaven to make a casserole.”
God slouched further into His Dolby bass beanbag gaming chair and wiped the Cheeto dust from His graying beard. In a world inundated with homicide, suicide, murder suicide, rape, injury, war, mass murder, pedophilia, torture, greed, bigotry, famine, necrophilia, pestilence, natural disaster, abuse, and wanton, unrelentingly 24/7 suffering, and creeping environmental deterioration, you may wonder where our loving, benevolent ruler has been to keep tabs on it.
“Well, you rotting flesh bags always harp on my ‘Plan’, but what if my Plan’s joining Y’ALL? Why aren’t I allowed to be as curious about Columbian neckties or Russian dashcam hit-and-runs as much as the next mortal, huh? You’re some damn TWISTED motherfuckers down there, and I relish seeing every second of it.”
God concluded with the bold proclamation that He shall “maybe do something I guess” after finishing The Mandalorian, or “wait it out another Five Bil’ for the Old Solar Cleanse”.