Two-Step How To: Picking the Right Sorority

By: Dick Veiney


Are you a freshman wondering which sorority you want to join come Spring Semester (provided that you have a high enough GPA that is…which, for the most of you is a high bar because you need a 2.5/4.0 and let’s be real, most of you haven’t been over the 50th percentile in anything except your weights)? Confused by the fact that whatever language these fraternities are speaking in aren’t English (in Trump’s America?!)? No worries, I am here to provide you with an in depth how to pick the right sorority for you!


Step 1: Ask yourself:


How attractive are you? 


How attractive do you want to feel standing next to 30+ other people of your gender (who are all wearing a tight little black dress and haven’t eaten all day so they’re not bloated for this exact dance)? 


If your answer to the first question is: not very, I would recommend not rushing any sorority! Why? Because they probably won’t take you! Feel relieved, the choice is out of your hands already! 


If your answer to the first question is “I have been sent at least three nudes and I’ve only been here two weeks” then you can move onto the second question. 


If your answer to the second question is “Very” to “I don’t want to go back to my dorm crying cause turns out these girls don’t need to use Facetune like I do” then I would recommend not rushing either. 


However, if you accept such a self-esteem crushing fate, then move onto step 2.


Step 2: Ask yourself:


How much money do my parents have?


If your answer is: “A lot!” then feel free to join any sorority! Pretty and rich? You’re a shoe in to be on the Facebook cover photo and be chosen to live in the sorority house. In 20 years from now you may even get invited to join the alumni council where you and a group of other affluent ladies figure out ways to cover up any hazing reports.


If your answer is: “Um, not that much, why?” then you’re in for a big surprise! Sororities cost money! Being bullied for free is so public high school, in college you pay to constantly feel inadequate. But then again, these are your sisters for life, so it’s worth it in the end. No one’s gonna remember decades from now who slept with whose boyfriend or who drank whose entire vodka supply in one night. Or who lit whose hair on fire cause they ratted that they had gonorrhea. Or who flushed whose cocaine down the toilet… 


Anyways, I would pick a sorority that is smaller and doesn’t own a house because if your monthly check keeps bouncing, they’ll be desperate enough for members to keep you.


There you go – your easy, simple, two step guide to picking the right sorority for you! I didn’t mention any specific ones, because god knows how many there are, but this guide is just to help you kickstart your quest to finding the sisters you never knew you would hate so much. Good luck freshies!

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