Why New York City Fucking Sucks

By, Icky Vicky

 

The one question that tormented my adolescent mind was this: Why does Spider-Man only fight crime in New York City? Like, what is so great about this place? After reaching adulthood, I have finally reached an answer. Spider-man doesn’t exclusively fight crime in New York City because it is a great place. He fights there because it is a literal shithole that needs to contract a specialist to help them get their shit together.

New York fucking sucks. It is a terrible city that lays bare all of humanities faults and ugliness. You walk into Penn Station and realize it is a literal Labyrinth. I swear, I was waiting for The Goblin King himself to pop up and twirl his balls around his hands in front of me, every turn I took. It smells like shit and I swear, if you use those bathrooms, you will contract something!

If you find your way outside, you’ll be hit by blinding light, even if it’s nighttime! Those goddamn street lights sear into your retina’s, living you blinded for the inevitable attacks by the beggars, tourists, and the cops. Good luck trying to find your way around as well. Constant blowing of horns and dingy subways.

You might be thinking, “Hey Vicky, you are only talking about Manhattan, there are other boroughs you know.” Well they also suck. Brooklyn is has a terrible case of the gentrification- I swear every other dilapidated building has a froyo shop in between. Queens is discount suburbia- JUST MOVE OUT OF NEW YORK IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE IN A CITY. Staten Island is a literal trash island because that’s all of see of it across the pond from my beautiful, New Jersey town. And The Bronx is disgusting because that is where I was born- how dare you subject the world to this filth you have begotten you ass of a borough.

I DO NOT HEART NEW YORK- put that on a dumb t-shirt!

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