By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Children’s Cartoon Correspondent
Millenials and zoomers all over the world were recently taken aback by the surprise announcement of a live action “Dora The Explorer” movie starring Isabela Moner, Danny Trejo, and Benicio Del Toro, but that’s not the only kid’s show property getting an arbitrary revival that nobody asked for. According to PBS Chief Paula Kerger, Caillou is set to receive a three-hour live action sequel of its own, written and directed by avant garde filmmaking auter Lars Von Trier.
Set 22 years after the original series, “Caillou’s Blood and Soil” focuses on the eponymous tragic protagonist, alone, forgotten, and a despondent, forsaken man. Five years after Mommy abandoned him and two years after Daddy died of fentanyl overdose, Caillou is rudderless, castigated, and strewn upon the streets when him and his sister Rosie have failed to make rent. After slaughtering a bald 4-year old toddler whilst under the influence in a gruesome, NC-17 eight minute long take shot, Caillou must look alive, adapt fast, and navigate the waters of Canada’s most dangerous correctional facility.
Adapt he does, and far too well, as we watch him gradually descend into the brutal, dour, and radicalized depths of the Aryan Brotherhood, running skinhead methamphetamine, dominating the cell block fight club for commissary payments, and posting about his superior white distended fupa gut on far-right message boards. Fortunately, after a traumatic shanking, we find our anti-hero in the infirmary, where he befriends another kid’s show darling named Bill: Little Bill. Bill helps Caillou move past the reactionary prejudice of his cellmates, Caillou helps Bill move past the horrifying misogyny and serial sexual abuse of his forefather, and both are let out on parole, happily ever after, turning over a new leaf, until Caillou himself is struck and killed by an inebriated driver.
In a 15 minute post-credits monologue, Caillou witnesses a dying vision of his deceased cat Gilbert (voiced by Tim Curry) as he drowns in his own blood, establishing the PBS Kids’ Cinematic Universe and the arthouse Little Bill psychological horror spin-off once and for all. Nothing is finalized, but Vince Vaughn is rumored to play the starring role of Caillou. Release date TBA.