By Throbin Williams
Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.
Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.
Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.
Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.
Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.
Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.
Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.
Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.
Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.