College Recipe Guide: Valentines Day Feast for One

By Throbin Williams

 

Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.

Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.

Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.

Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.

Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.

Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.

Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.

Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.

Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.

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