Top 5 Dogs to Either Adopt or be Eaten by Me

By: Richard Hertz

1) Spot- Yo, look at this fucking quality grade A meat, boi over here? Aptly named for the single adorable spot over his eye, this delectable canine was abandoned by its owner after they moved and is desperately looking for a home.


2) Clifford- You know him, you love him, but should I try and eat him. Though I am told that he is merely a character in a children’s book series, my uncontrollable urge to either consume this canine Titan or take care of him forever will not stop until I find out for sure. I mean think of how awesome it would be to have a boss ass dog the size of a fucking building; likewise, consider the amount meat that absolute unit of a specimen would give me.


3)My Neighbor’s Shit Dog Ron- This little bastard has kept me awake every night for the past year and a half. All he does all day is bark and bark and stink up the hallway. On the one hand eating him would stop the barking, but on the other hand I could take care of this dog so much better.


4) The Dead Dog from Marley and Me- As an avid dog enthusiast and connoisseur, you bet your tight ass that I was first in line for the premier of the hit doggie drama Marley and Me. Throughout the duration of the entire film, the only thing on my mind was how much I wanted to both figuratively and literally eat that little puppy right up. After the film I was so devastated that I was left in tears for days. By now this dog is likely in it’s twilight years and could use some love or a nice trip into flavortown.


5) An Actual Hot Dog- These are my favorite kinds of dogs. They’re loyal, they’re cute, and best of all I don’t get any side eyes for taking a bite out of one of these at the local park. I’m always torn between adopting one of these suckers and taking a bunch of cute foodie instagram pictures with it, but on the other hand this is the most portable and tasty of the dog family.

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