(Warning before reading: this article talks about the sport of soccer, AKA football. All references to “soccer” will be addressed as football from now on, you uncultured fools.)
On December 3, 2018 Real Madrid’s Luka Modrić won football’s most coveted individual prize, the Ballon d’Or. The Croatian Midfielder won his third consecutive Champions’ League and led his team to the finals of the FIFA World Cup. It is a win highly deserved and more authentic than previous years. This win is not only significant because it marks the first time a Croatian has won the award, but also the first time in ten years where the winner was neither Cristiano Ronaldo not Lionel Messi.
The other news story to come out of Paris at the same time was the extraordinarily decrease in “donations” received by France Football, the company who gives out the Ballon d’Or. One donor in particular, who goes by the name “Christian Ronald”, did not donate any money to the organization for the first time in ten years. An independent investigation launched by The Medium has concluded with 6.9% confidence that “Christian Ronald”, is, indeed, Portugal star and alleged rapist, Cristiano Ronaldo. By donating large sums of money in return for votes, Ronaldo could possibly be indicted on bribery charges. When pressed on this issue, Ronaldo said, “I donate because I am a good man. However, this year after paying $21 million to settle some unpaid dues, I simply could not afford to spend a penny from my small net worth of $450 million”.
In a press release, France Football said that they will now be accepting donations for the 2018-2019 fiscal year. “We here at France Football want players to not only compete on the field, but also in all aspects of their lives.”, said Sepp Blatter enthusiast and CEO of France Football, Didier Quillot.