President Trump Preemptively Pardons Tekashi 6ix9ine

By Carl “Yung Xylometazoline” Mueller

At his latest rally in the lead-up to election season, Trump has announced his plans to presidentially pardon controversial Brooklyn rapper Daniel Hernandez, known professionally as Tekashi 6ix9ine, should he be sentenced to serve anywhere from 32 years to life in prison.

“Listen, I’ve never personally met Mr. Tekashi, I don’t know Mr. Tekashi. What I do know is that Kanye was one of the good ones folks, very very smart cookie until he stopped working with Candace Owens that is, but anyone who associates with his genius must be very fine people too.”

This announcement comes amid 6ix9ine’s recent arrest for numerous federal racketeering and weapons charges stemming from his associations with the Nine Trey Gangsters, a sect of the East Coast Bloods. 6ix9ine is slated to stand trial on September 4th, 2019.

“My fellow Americans, when I assumed some, some of those people were good people, brave, decent men like Hombre Sixty Nine were amongst those people. The lying media LOVES to paint illegal women and children invading OUR borders as helpless victims who can’t handle a little internment camps or tear gas in their faces. Yet, whilst doing that, they utterly omit the bold patriotism of legal Americans like Taqueria 72, demonize him in fact. We’ve seen it with me, we’ve seen it with Honorable Justice Kavanaugh.”

Alluding to his administration’s own sexual misconduct allegations, as well as 6ix9ine’s own with filming a 13 year old girl, Trump congratulated Tekashi 6ix9ine’s “illustrious record” for women’s rights.

“No one respects women more than I or Justice Kavanaugh do, but Danny and that XXTemptation kid really came close,” he remarked, referring to late Florida rapper XXXTentacion. “It’s a despicable travesty, really, what our failing media has done, taking a five minute video and 27 minute tape out of context to define two decades of storied life experiences. I know that all too well.”

President Trump concluded his address by explaining how “it is a tremendous honor to pardon such a bold patriot. Mr. Hernando is a self-made entrepreneur like me, a true iconoclast, and much like myself, also isn’t afraid to flaunt alternative hairstyles.”

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