Point: Cloacas are better than vaginas
By Mandarin Fuck
It seems like these days all anyone does is fuck each other silly in every possible orifice. It is frankly disgusting and hedonistic. What happened to the good old days when a man only fucked a woman through a sheet and planted his seed in her baby-hole. You didn’t even look at the va-jay-jay (G-d’s given word for the female reproductive organ) lest your eyes melt and your innocence be stripped away leaving you a hull of a man. That’s why I say that cloacas are the far superior organ for fuckin’.
Now hear me out, I know what you’re thinking: doesn’t that make you even more sinful for committing bestiality? And to that I say: Heck no! If G– didn’t want men fucking birds he wouldn’t have made them have one little hole that perfectly fits the male peepee (not —’s word, but it’s more fun to say). And need I say birds aren’t too bad on the eyes, either….
To quote the late great Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds”:- one G——————d, one hole.
Counterpoint: I got gauges to have more holes
By Rob N. Lobes
I know what people think when they look at me. “Godless, masochistic, freakshow, bad at Super Mario Strikers,” they say to themselves. And some of those things may be true. They silently judge me while most people have GAUGES IN THEIR HEART! But at least I know what I’m about. I didn’t get gauges for pain- I got them for pleasure. Now I have two more orifices to use for fuckin’.
It happens to many couples: You reach that stage in the bedroom where you just get tired of raw dogging the same 5 holes over and over. It happened to my boyfriend and I 3 months in. I mean how many combinations can you really make in one night? Sure you can spice things up in other ways, like revealing your inner feelings for each other so that the sex can be a magical consummation of your relationship and you can achieve true love, or like biting. But this option just seems so much more authentic. It’s like we opened up a whole new world. People say it’s unnatural, but is it? I mean, if you think about it, people have a million holes if you include all your pores. If my penis was a little smaller, I would be able to fuck those too. All I ask is that people keep open minds and open ears to this new innovation in fornication.