Area Man not Worried About Romaine Recall, Doesn’t Even Eat Salad

By Throbin Williams
Pretending to be a nanny

 

Last week the FDA issued a country-wide recall on romaine lettuce, but New Brunswick man Mark Roskie, 22, hasn’t been affected at all. His secret? He doesn’t eat salad. At all.

“When I first heard about the recall I didn’t even have to think about whether I was exposed to the E. coli,” Roskie said “because I don’t even eat salad.”

Roskie largely sustains himself off sandwiches from Kilmer’s Market, pizza from Sbarro, or the hot bar at the dining hall. Lettuce plays almost no part in the college senior’s diet. The outbreak, which has affected more than 30 people in 11 states has almost no way to get to Roskie.

“Yeah, some sandwiches at Kilmer’s have lettuce on them. But I’m not really sure what kind of lettuce goes on what because I don’t eat it. And I don’t order those anyway. I usually just get takeout.”

The takeout he’s referring to is the to-go option at Rutgers’ dining halls and mainly consists of fried foods like mac and cheese bites, chicken nuggets, onion rings, and fries. The “unhealthy” food that is carefully rationed to each student by a dining hall employee has virtually no chance of coming into contact with romaine lettuce.

“I actually don’t think I’ve ever eaten more than like, a quarter of a salad. If the food is taking a long time at a restaurant I’ll eat the croutons and maybe pick at the lettuce, but I really never touch the stuff otherwise.”

Food scientists at Rutgers New Brunswick have reported that this is the first time that people who don’t eat salad are healthier than those who do. Researching professor Esther Byrnes made time to comment in between her vomiting and diarrhea.

“I’m feeling very ill ever since I ate at SaladWorks last week. But people who don’t buy in to all this health stuff and aren’t actively trying to live forever may actually live longer than those of us who eat lettuce. I haven’t left my bathroom in six days and am incredibly dehydrated.”

At press time, Roskie was seen devouring a slice of roman style pizza, a breadstick and an orange soda with no ice in the Livi Student Center, with no vegetable in sight.

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