By Robin Banks
New York— On Sunday, right after Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith snapped his leg in two on live television, NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell announced that this Thanksgiving, all scheduled games will be cancelled. In place of this, the NFL has agreed with Fox to air 12 hours of some of the most gruesome injuries players have faced in the modern era. “We would like to give thanks this year to the equipment used by our players. Sure, a couple of them get hurt, but most of them leave the league without a scratch, right?”, said Goodell.
News spread like wildfire (too soon?) and, arguably, everyone and their 65-year-old uncle were furious. “Why should I care about who got hurt? I laid my life down for this country in ‘Nam, the least I could ask for is to ask for men in tights to beat the shit out of each other”, said outspoken critic against basic human rights, Rhett Smith. Many have threatened to boycott the NFL and the network, with many citing that watching football on Thanksgiving is the only thing they look forward to in their miserable lives.
The NFL gave a preview of the lineup of injuries that will be shown. In the morning, life threatening injuries will be shown, including Jeff Fuller breaking his neck, and Joe Theismann breaking his leg. In the afternoon, less serious injuries will be shown, including Junior Seau’s arm going limp. At night time, when half of America will be in an induced food coma, an encore of concussions will be shown to resemble the general population. As Americans come together this Thanksgiving, let us all give thanks to the wonderful game of American football, despite its barbaric history and propensity to destroy the mental capabilities of many young Americans.