President Trump Renames Cruz “Beautiful Ted,” Decides to Revamp Nicknames for all Political Foes

Washington D.C.-This week President Trump announced that he will no longer refer to Ted Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted” and will instead call him, “Beautiful Ted” following this change, Trump has decided he will change the nicknames for all his enemies. “It just seemed to be time,” the President said at press time, “I’m tired of calling them the same thing, I need to keep it fresh for me, otherwise what’s the point?” Trump went on to say he would no longer call Marco Rubio “Lil Marco” but instead “Lil Peep” as it, “just has a nice ring to it.” Jeb Bush will no longer be called “Low-Energy Jeb;” but is renamed “Shrunk-In-The-Wash-Then-Melted-In-The-Microwave Jeb!” When asked why the drastic change, President Trump replied, “I mean he just looks weird! Have you seen the guy?”

He then continued, “‘Crooked Hillary’, will just be ‘Hillary’ from now on. I mean she’s been through enough folks…I’m just kidding! Don’t worry, she is now the ‘Menstruating Mangina’ or ‘Pussy-Lips Clinton’.” He then went on to say that Elizabeth Warren’s “Pocahontas” was, “boring and outdated” and that “Senator Elizabeth Redskin” sounded better, “especially since the DNA results were positive.” President Trump ended by saying, “Kim Jong-un, you’re not safe either. Say ‘bye bye’ to ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘hello’ to ‘Missile Maniac’ or how about ‘The Kimchi Killer’?” When asked for comment, Jong-un replied, “[translated] I actually kind of like ‘Kimchi Killer’ it makes me sound like a wrestler.” The President announced no further name changes at this time. Justin Trudeau was reportedly disappointed as all Trump calls him is “Justin From Canada.”

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