By Lou Skunt
America’s pastime? More like it’s America’s paint time! As the 2018 MLB season comes to an opening, ratings this year are expected to be
absolutely abysmal and their lowest ever in the history of the game since TV was in- vented. Americans, finally realizing just how boring baseball is, have finally decided to revoke the games apple pie comparison status and watch something more exciting.
The new sport, that’s creeping up and threatening baseball’s classic status is none other than the classic watching paint dry. Usually used as a comparison example of a boring and mundane activity, watching paint dry in recent years has become quite the extreme sport.
The game consists of a person painting something, anything from a professional painter doing his job to a Trump supporter painting
black face to make it show that Trump has black supporters, is fair game in the competition. Then the painter must sit and watch in silence as his work dries up. Despite the initial impressions, this
game is not for the weak and as a fan and spectator, can actually get quite exciting.
Many participants have done stuff like fall asleep for days and even shit their pants just from the intense maddening activity from staring at paint all day. In more extreme cases, many have also gone mentally insane from and had to be institutionalized in a paint factory. Fans don’t have it any easier. Die hard fans of watching paint dry have reported getting “second-hand effects. This is when the fan ends up with the same effects as the players after watching paint non-stop for hours on end.
New TV contracts for this game have already started and Sherwin-Williams stock is expected to peak once the new paint drying season takes full effect. The paint drying season will be directly competing with baseball season and is expected to bring in 10X more excited fans in every game than in baseball.
Move over baseball, there’s a new sport in town that’s actually exciting and won’t totally possibly kill you of boredom. Let’s be real here, no one really watches baseball for the excitement of the game, soccer is more exciting.