By Ivan Yakinoff
Outsourced Staff Writer
After a year long study into the majors of hundreds of thousands of NCAA student athletes, new research has revealed that the overwhelming majority of soccer players in college are also theater majors. The combination of soccer players and theater was an even bigger and more popular combination than football and communications.
This new reveal pretty much shocked absolutely no one. Both soccer fans and the researchers alike were actually
surpised the numbers weren’t
“Baseball has steroids, sumo wrestling has a shit ton of food, and basketball has people who won the genetic lottery, but in order to well in soccer, you better be able to put on an Oscar worthy fake injury show at any given moment. Players like Messi and Ronaldo didn’t just become great just on pure skills and talent alone.” said
fellow Rutgers student and big soccer fan Tomas Lopez.
As the studies were realeased to the public, many have started wondering whether soccer players who finish their theater degrees have a significant adavantage over those who don’t and possibly deserve a lifetime ban.
“The use of complex theatrical skills in the soccer field is key to becoming a great football player. Unfortunely, not everyone is a big enough show off to go to college and play both soccer and school
at the same time. We get that you can be an actor and play soccer. But damn just make it more fair for the rest of us who weren’t so damn advantaged.” said high school and soccer academy dropout Michael Coney.
Meanwhile, colleges across the county with stuggling theater programs are sending recuriters to South America and Europe as a last ditch attempt to save their asses from fading into obscurity.