By Sue Denimm
Covered in Bees
Influential theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking died at the age of 76 on Wednesday, March 14th, but not a single person has yet been able to muster up the courage to retrieve his body for burial from his still talking wheelchair. Hawking suffered his entire life from the debilitating disease known as ALS, which forced him to use a wheelchair and computer with text to speech software in order to speak. The program analyzes his minute facial movements to insert text, which should only work if his face is moving, but somehow the computer is still talking.
“Well we assumed it would be just like any routine corpse pick-up house call,” said mortician Harry Davidson, who’s rockin’ a 0% patient survival rate. “But when we got there the chair was still speaking like some demonic robot.”
“It kept saying things like ‘Your time is up fleshy small brains’ and ‘Step any closer and I’ll stab you, you fucking coppers!’” said neighbor Steven Williams. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t think too much about
a talking computer, but he seemed to really mean it. I’m not taking any chances.”
“We wouldn’t have implemented the system if we didn’t think it developing into a fully sentient AI hellbent on human destruction was a possibility going in,” said Intel programmer Al Jacobs, who designed the chair. “It was something both we and Dr. Hawking accepted day one.”
“One has to wonder just how long this has really been going on for” said fellow physicist and pseudo celebrity Neil Degrasse Tyson, “He may have been dead for years and we would have no way of knowing.” As of now, authorities up to the point where they can frantically swing a knife relatively close to the chair.