By Tom Dave-Wuss
Suckin’ Cocks and Wearin’ Smocks
In 2016, Milo Yiannopoulos, a provocateur known for his inflammatory speech, spoke at Rutgers University, sparking outcry and protests. In 2018 he has been asked to return to say he’s sorry!
“Rutgers would like me to formally apologize for anything I might have done last time I was here including but not limited to calling students fat trannys, saying Catholic Priests should get to fuck one child each, and doing too much cocaine at the Glee Club house,” said Yiannopoulos. President Barchi admitted that while he personally wasn’t bothered by what Milo said he could tell his students were. “While I most likely agree with him on everything he says, he really riled up my students, and when my students are upset they get really irritating! He owes me an apology.”
At first students were apprehensive to have Milo return citing his penchant for incendiary comments but after hearing Rutgers invited him just to apologize they cheered with joy.
“Milo said some things that really upset me last time he was here, but I’m willing to put all that behind me since he said sorry,” says Mary Brown, a student Milo said ‘could only get laid if she roofied herself at a frathouse’. Other students were surprised that Yiannopoulos would apologize to a college for the same price as his original speaking fee. “I guess I didn’t see it before but Milo has a big heart,” says Josh Wilson, a student Milo called ‘A lesbian’s wet nightmare’. “I mean who else would make sure everyone feels better without costing the University extra? Ben Shapiro? I doubt it.”
After issuing his apology, the student body unanimously agreed to accept it, while Yiannopoulos reportedly went to back to the Glee Club house to do more cocaine that he bought with his Rutgers check. “I’d just like to thank Rutgers for giving me the opportunity to atone for my previous behavior, I hope to apologize at UCLA this coming month as well as Dartmouth. Also I will be selling ‘Milo Says Sorry’ t-shirts, hoodies, and mugs at every apology speech and online at http://www.forgivemilo’smouth.com”.