Re-opening of Starbucks Attracts Unusual Customers

By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday was greeted by a grand re-opening of the Starbucks located at The Yard. Many have long awaited the opening as they had to resort to Panera for their regular dose of coffee. Some of you may be wondering why the Starbucks closed down in the first place. It turns out that Starbucks has a diversity quota to fill for their customers and they weren’t receiving enough support from the black community.

With the recent release of Black Panther and the overwhelming support it received, Starbucks decided it was the right moment to
make a comeback at the prime real estate location that is the Scott
Hall bus stop. This combined with the added bonus of it being black
history month would surely allow for the coffee shop to meet their
ever so daunting diversity quota.

Once the store opened, tons of customers flooded the shop with many old and some new faces. We spoke with the manager about how he thought business was going and he had this to say. “Business has been booming my dude! It definitely looks like we’ll be hitting our diversity goals this year which is great because I’m still on probation with corporate for racy comments and this will surely make me look great! Man, the blacks sure do love their coffee! I might just get a raise out of this!”

The manager could barely contain his excitement. We’re unsure how long this increased traffic towards the coffee shop will last but if one thing is for sure, it looks like it will be staying open for a long time.

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