By Sue De Nim
Definitely an Earthling
HOUSTON — On February 6th 2018, SpaceX launched one of the most powerful and cost efficient rockets ever made, the Falcon Heavy, into space and back. On board the spaceship was a Tesla Roadster with a dummy driver that is now orbiting the planet. But that’s not all according to NASA; In their most recent surveillance of satellites around Earth, they took a good look into the car and found inside Steve Dinkleman, Elon Musk’s middle school bully. The 46-year-old attorney was reported missing three days prior, but no search party was able to find any sort of information on his whereabouts until now. The pictures of the car taken by SpaceX didn’t seem to show any signs of life in the vehicle, but NASA’s Hubble telescope was able to get a good look under the dashboard on the passenger side to reveal his squirming body struggling to breathe.
“If I knew there was a human being stuffed into the car in that rocket, I probably wouldn’t have cheered so much at the launch,” said Becca Ferguson, who is first on the waiting list to be sent to Mars.
“If Steve is truly in the car, it is through his own free will”, said Musk, despite the fact that Steve is clearly seen with his hands tied and mouth duct-taped. “He obviously has a history of reckless and irresponsible behavior, and that’s why he wandered off and found himself in the Tesla Roadster that I inadvertently launched into space with no means of return.”
NASA’s current best plan to get Steve back is to send a whole bunch of cars into orbit to cause enough traffic that the Spacemen will be forced to crash back down to Earth.