Area Man Sucker Punched by Life

By Goldilocks
Area Man

NEW BRUNSWICK — Late Monday night, local man Jon Goldberg was assaulted by Life while walking to the corner store on Easton Avenue. Witnesses to the attack have reported seeing Life run up behind Mr. Goldberg and punch him in the back of the head, before taking multiple swings at his stomach, as well as a kick to the groin
while he was down on the ground.

“I can’t believe this happened to me. It was so sudden.” Mr. Goldberg said when delivering his statement to the police. “I was walking to lunch when I received a text from my girlfriend saying that she was leaving me. Before I could brace myself for the flood of emotions, I also received an email from my boss telling me I was being let go, as well as a call from my veterinarian telling me that my dog had been put down.”

Mr. Goldberg has stated that doctors and therapists have told him that it will take months, if not years to recover from the attack. “The doctor said I may be prone to crying out of the blue as I go about my day for the next few years. I’ve been told that the best thing to do is try not to think about how great my girlfriend was, or how my dog was always there to cheer me up when I was down,” said Mr. Goldberg before breaking down crying.

This is not the first surprise attack carried out by Life, who has blindsided multiple people in the past according to police documents. The police are currently asking for anyone with information onto the whereabouts of Life, who is still out at large.

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