Of Course the Local Bitch is Named Mackenzey

By Sue Denim
Likes Ignoring People

NEW BRUNSWICK — Every university has that one girl that is obviously just the worst, and in our recent civilian evaluation of New Brunswick, we have discovered, to no surprise at all, that local bitch is named Mackenzey. And of course, she spells her name in the trashiest
way possible, clearly meant to be resemble Mackenzie, but with the added “Y” at the end, just to make her seem more unique. Sporting her bob haircut and Versace limited edition Italian handbag, it was pretty easy to spot her out as the bitchy one in this here town.

“Yeah, I know Mackenzey, she’s in my Law and Politics class. She’s always interrupting the professor to tell the class, ‘As a woman…’ and then inserting her stupid opinions about birth control or something. What a bitch. I’m not surprised at all that she’s named Mackenzey” said sophomore Harsha Patel. She has been seen going around the campus on the bus with her bag on the seat next to her, despite the bus being packed. No one is quite sure where she came from, where she lives, or who she claims to be friends with but really just uses them to promote her self made fashion line for babies that ironically uses Chinese sweatshops.

“I don’t think I have ever actually met Mackenzey, but she apparently came to my frat party one time and exclaimed loudly ‘EXCUSE ME’ in a really snarky tone when I was in front of the keg. I’m not going to lie, her attitude left something to be desired,” said Chad Albright, known to be a bit of a douche himself. We have made sure to alert everyone passing by on the street about her presence, and to make sure not to make eye contact for longer than 10 seconds, lest their soul be surely damned.

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