By Kyle Medaddy
TEANECK — Yesterday at around 2:34 AM, human remains were dumped by 3 suspects all over expensive guitar equipment rendering
them damaged beyond repair. Customers were appalled by the scene, disrupting business for the store.
“I dunno man, I was just playing my guitar and these guys with weird makeup on just walked in here and started pouring ashes all over the store and I was like ‘hey man, you can’t do that in here,’ but he didn’t listen so I just kept playing my guitar” said one of the employees who we believe is Tommy Chong. As for why he is working at Guitar Center, we don’t know. The suspects seem to be the remaining 3 members of the death metal band, “We Came From Your Asshole and Now We Are Here to Send You Back to Hell,” (not the weirdest band name I’ve heard) and the 4th member is believed to be dispersed all over the Guitar Center. The bassist of the Band, Bocular, said “Our leader, Kartandra, has left us to serve Satan and by request through dream communication, Kartandra told us he wished for his remains to be in the place he most enjoyed laying the sounds of hell upon the earth to summon the demons from the depths below, a.k.a. the Guitar Center.” When asked, police say they get freaks like these all the time, “guys like these don’t do to well in slammer, these boys won’t be coming out of any assholes, but they will be certainly getting it in their assholes, if you get what I’m saying,” said Officer Mahoney and I think it is pretty clear what he is saying. The 3 band members have a chance of getting prison time depending on the Judge’s sentence.