Trump Sabotages Solar Industry in Hopes for More Snow Days

By Sawyer Masshole
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NEW BRUNSWICK— On Monday, President Trump approved a new set of tariffs for imported solar cells supposedly intended to reduce competition for domestic manufacturers, starting at a 30% rate and
descending thereafter.

“Years ago, China made a bad deal–not like any of my own deals, this was bad, bad, no good– and they subsidized solar panel factories,” Trump explained, “which was surprisingly stupid for such a smart people.”

“China’s factories accidentally flooded the market,” said Blanche Wasp, one of Trump’s economic advisors. “That sent the price of solar panels from over $1000 down to $200.”

Some critics label this tariff as ambiguous in its intentions. “It looks like it’ll help American solar panel producers, but it’s just going to raise the price and make solar less affordable again,” commented John J. Johnson, Jr., a sophomore in RBS. “And you know Tesla’s solar roof tiles won’t be cheap!”

These criticisms are validated by the fact that, despite bipartisan congressional appeals, Trump has not included climate change as a major security threat in his administration’s national security strategy.
“Of course I don’t want ‘global warming’,” explained the President last week from his Mar-a-lago golf club resort, “because then I wouldn’t get my snow days! And Mar-a-lago would get too sweaty and swampy!”

President Trump made his announcement after his routine weekends at the White House just before he boarded his jumbo jet plane to spend his weekdays golfing in Florida.

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