Rutgers Convicts Lead Prison Football Team to State Championship Game

By Ivan Yakinoff
Jetlagged

NEWARK— Three years after ruining their college careers for committing armed robbery and assault, the six former Rutgers football players who were charged now have found new glory as stars of the Northern State Prison football team in Newark. After consistently finishing last in the state prison football rankings, Northern State was grateful that their latest prisoner recruits were actual football players. Finishing 14-2 and ranked as the number one
seed for the 2018 state league playoffs, Northern State will now play East Jersey State in the annual NJ Prison State Championship Game.

“They didn’t go to Rutgers to play school, but they sure as hell came to prison to play football” said Gregory Schianson, the current Northern State head coach. When asked how his team found so much success from using criminals from such a horrible football school, Schianson explained it was all in the play calling. “I just tell my players to pretend that the football is actually a bar of soap. It adds to the challenge and makes you work harder to catch and keep control the ball. Just like how you wouldn’t want to drop the soap, you wouldn’t want to drop the football either.

The team’s success wasn’t without hiccups along the way. During week 10, wide receiver and kick returner Tim Johnson was indefinitely suspended when it was revealed that he received impermissible benefits when a fellow inmate smuggled him loose Newport cigarettes. “Johnson was receiving contraband Newports even though our prison has a strict contract with Marlboro Reds. This is such a horrible crime and Johnson will have a hearing date over this
matter!” said prison director Christopher Ashworth.

As Northern State prepares for the final, they have high hopes they can reach the National Championship as well. But the prison football experts are not giving them any chance against powerhouses such as San Quentin and Leavenworth.

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